Fire & Ice

Yesterday, S. asked me how I felt about playing with hot wax. I hadn't given it a lot of thought up until then. I have seen pictures of it done, but never experienced it. It didn't sound terribly painful, I just found the idea of playing with fire (literally) a little scary and, being a girl, I was worried about making a mess. I had visions of wax droplets all over the bed and floor. I figured I'd NEVER get the wax out of the sheets! lol.

So we discussed it and my reservations and came up with a plan of action: I have a big plastic dropcloth that I sometimes use for protecting my furniture or rugs while painting or doing certain types of cleaning. We decided that if we put that over the entire bed, the wax droplets would fall harmlessly on it and we wouldn't have to worry about a mess at all. I wasn't really worried about the pain. In fact, I figured the whole scenario would be pretty ho hum, since I've accidentally spilled wax on myself before and it was no big deal.

So, when evening came, S and I lit candles and put them on the top of the bookshelf, and then spread the big plastic sheet over the bed. I stood back and looked at it and immediately burst out laughing. It looked like something out of a movie where you see the evil murderer put down plastic sheets to wrap the body in after murdering the helpless girl. I told S it looked kind of creepy! We giggled about it together. Then I left the room and came back with a big watering can full of water. S looked at me and laughed and asked what in the world I was doing? I pointed out that, if we were going to be playing with fire, having a ready source of water nearby seemed prudent. He seemed to find this overabundance of caution extremely funny. But I told him that if he was the one who was going to be tied hand and foot and then blindfolded around fire, he might want some water nearby too, so he decided to humor me.

Then S used the leather cuffs to secure my hands behind my back, and attached a posture collar to my neck with the D ring facing behind me. He used bondage rope to tie my wrists to the D ring and pull them tight so they were pulled halfway up my back and any struggling against the shackles brought the collar tight against my throat. The end result was that I was forced to sit up very straight and push my chest out in order to be able to breathe comfortably.

Then, S pulled out the blindfold and looked me in the eye right before pulling it over my head and told me: "I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom." GAH! I hate that! Next thing I knew, I was alone, and blindfolded, sitting on the edge of the bed with my head forcibly held high by the collar and my arms slowly beginning to ache in their position secured halfway up my back. Plus my backside was starting to ache from the whipping I got the other night. Any prolonged pressure on it just hurts!

So I struggled off the bed to my feet and stood there by the bed, feeling extremely vulnerable. I couldn't see anything and could only judge my position by the feel of the bed behind me. And with the way I was shackled, I couldn't move at all except to walk, which was pointless since I was blind. I stood there for several minutes, trying not to sway, and cursing S for leaving me there. I think he enjoys getting me into predicaments and then leaving me to stew! Grrr...

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, S came back and told me to get on the plastic sheet covered bed. I struggled to obey. But since I couldn't bend my back at all and my hands were useless and I couldn't see what I was doing, it was more difficult than anticipated. S. had to help me into position. I wound up on my knees, on what I assume was the center of the bed, sitting back on my heels.

I knelt there for a few moments and then I suddenly felt the presence of heat near my face, and knew that S must have picked up one of the candles and brought it near. I inched my head back as far as I could, feeling nervous about the proximity of the flame to my hair, especially since I couldn't see it at all or move to protect myself in any way. Unfortunately, this move also caused me to stick my chest out even more. Next thing I knew, I felt a sudden intense heat on my right breast as the first droplets of wax dripped onto it. I gasped: It didn't hurt much. Just more of a startling sensation of heat: Uncomfortably hot at first and just a little painful but almost immediately cooling. Then, followed by the odd sensation of the wax hardening against my nipple as it cooled.

Before I could get used to the odd sensation, I felt more hot wax dripping down my left breast and from there onto my stomach. I involuntarily yanked against the cuffs in a move to protect myself, but the only effect this had was to cut off my own air supply for a few moments as the rope pulled the collar sharply against my throat. S. seemed to be enjoying himself: "How does that feel?" he inquired, with a smile in his voice. "H-h-hot" I replied after a few seconds. I could tell from my stammering that the sensations of heat and helplessness were getting to me a lot more than I had expected them to. S. checked to make sure that I wasn't getting burnt too much and I shook my head no in response. And so he continued.

For a while, S alternated between pouring wax down my front and then playing with my nipples. The odd sensations of heat, hardening wax, and having my nipples teased were beginning to make me feel overwhelmed. Then S left the room briefly and returned. When he did, He inserted a vibrator that has a piece that sits against the clit and then, before I knew what was going on, he slipped a piece of ice under it, right against my clit.

ARRRRGH! S. has done this before and for some reason the ice seems to sit right in there while it melts and makes me completely insane. The first instant it touched my clit, I rose up off my heels and tried to catapult myself away from the ice. Of course, I was completely unsuccessful and S laughed as I squirmed, trying desperately to dislodge the cube that was now making me feel as if my entire clit was on fire: The freezing sensation being very close to burning. I could feel the melted water from the ice dripping down the inside of both of my thighs and pooling on the plastic sheet around my knees.

Then S. brought out the whip. At this point, I started to shake, which is the immediate precursor to my entering subspace. There was too much going on for my body to deal with: The heat and hardened wax sensation on my breasts and stomach, the way my hands were shackled behind me and attached to the collar, forcing me to keep my head up and my posture straight, the intense burning/freezing sensation against my clit, the buzzing of the vibrator deep inside me, and now S whispered in my ear that since he hadn't been able to whip me very hard the other night on my breasts, he was going to take advantage of this position to do so now.

All I could do was shake my head back and forth in a silent plea, and try not to tremble too convulsively. But I almost immediately felt the whip against my right breast and jumped violently. I hadn't heard S. wind up. Fortunately for me, S wasn't too rough and the hardened wax helped protect me somewhat, but I still got several good lashes against each breast before he was done. I was shaking hard by this point and not completely aware of what was going on.

Then S. removed the collar, and I started to relax just a little. Usually, once he starts to remove the cuffs and shackles I know it's over and I can let go. But this time, as soon as He had removed the collar, I felt him attaching the cuffs to my ankles and I knew I would have to endure more before the night was done. S. quickly tied my ankle cuffs together and then secured my wrists to the bedframe in front of me with a length of bondage rope, with about a foot or so play between the cuff and the headboard. The result was that I was on all fours, with my arms pulled forward and  quite a bit to each side, and my ankles locked together so I could move neither forward nor backward. I groaned as my shoulders struggled to hold me up with my arms forcibly held so far apart. I wound up leaning over and putting my head down on the bed and resting on my elbows instead of my hands to give my shoulders a break. This caused my butt to stick up in the air, but I couldn't maintain the other position for long.

Then, with no warning, S dripped hot wax over my ass. Due to my position, my butt crack was open and the wax dripped all the way down it, causing me to leap back to my position on all fours, despite my protesting shoulders. S laughed, clearly delighted at having gotten me in such a tender place. I moaned as he continued to pour hot wax over my buttocks and back, trying to control my shaking. Fortunately, by now the ice had mostly melted so I didn't have to contend with that sensation as well.

Once S was satisfied with whatever wax design he was creating, I felt him stand up on the bed and move in front of me to the space where my arms were being held apart by the cuffs. He knelt down in that space and I then felt him yank my head up by the hair and he commanded: "Open!" I obediently opened my mouth and immediately felt his cock in my mouth. It was hard and warm and he pulled my ponytail back and forth, forcing me to suck up and down his cock. Then I felt his other hand go to my right nipple and start to tease me. I gasped and stopped what I was doing. "Keep sucking!" he commanded and yanked my ponytail so I tried to comply, doing my best to focus on what my mouth and head were doing instead of the increasingly distracting sensation of his fingers tweaking my nipple.

This continued for a while, and then S moved behind me on the bed. I could feel him standing behind me on the mattress, and suspected I knew what was coming. Sure enough, I heard him stroking himself for just a few seconds and then a sudden new sensation of heat all over my back and ass as he came explosively all over me. I've said this before, but S. cums more than any man I've ever known. It's seriously like he's got five or six guys back there with him, all cumming at the same time. So I was covered in the stuff before he was done.

Once S had spent his load, he got down off the bed and then spent a few minutes taunting me: Telling me what a mess I was and what a dirty girl I am. I was too exhausted and far into subspace to respond. I just hung my head and tried not to collapse while he removed the restraints.With my body covered in wax, sweat and cum, I certainly felt dirty!!!

Then S guided me to the shower: Once a scene is over, any sensation is overwhelming for me, so even though the blindfold had been removed, I could only open my eyes for a few seconds at a time. So S had to guide me there and help me get in. I stood with my head against the shower wall and S washed me from head to toe, cleaning the cum and wax off me. Once he was done washing both of us, he dried me and led me back to the bed where he snuggled me for a long time before I could really talk again.

I have to say that the evening really surprised me. I hadn't expected wax play to be terribly interesting, but the combined sensations of the scene really got to me much quicker than I would have ever anticipated. S seems to have really enjoyed covering me with wax as well, so I suspect we will be doing it again.

Calling Him "Master"

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I have a hard time with titles like "Sir" and especially "Master". I wrote about it in several posts including this one: Titles...ewww! But S. greatly enjoys calling me "slave" and his mission in life is to have me call him "Master" all the time.

To date, I have only ever uttered the dreaded M... word once. And it was this summer when he kept whipping me until I finally broke (I need to write a post on that but haven't gotten to it yet). By the time he was done, my ass was on fire and I simply couldn't hold out any more so I wound up whispering the word in submission. But I haven't come remotely close to saying it since despite S. trying to get me to say it from time to time.

However, I knew that my stubbornness in this matter wasn't going to last on this trip as S. had promised me I WOULD call him "Master" again before the end of the trip. So here we were on the last night, and I knew what was coming although I couldn't anticipate the exact format it would take. All I knew is that I was determined not to say that word and that S. was equally determined to get me to say it. And unfortunately for me, since S. is the Dom, I knew I was probably going to be put through a lot of pain before the night was out, until I finally broke and said it again.

And so it began...

S. placed me on my knees on the bed, with my legs spread and then attached wrist and ankle cuffs. He connected each wrist to the corresponding ankle so that my ass was high in the air and I couldn't move to protect myself in any way. I squirmed a bit, but quickly stopped, because in that position, all squirming accomplishes is making my legs slide farther apart, making me even more vulnerable to whatever S. might choose to do.

To my surprise, S. attached the bit gag to me. But he explained as he did: "I am going to keep this gag on you until you are ready to call me Master." I groaned through the gag and buried my face on the mattress. S. grabbed my hair and yanked my hair so my head was forced up and back and told me that he would keep going until I called him Master tonight.

S. then slid off the bed and I could hear him rummaging in the toy box. He pulled something out, and I soon heard a vibrator and felt him push the head of it against my pussy. I jumped and groaned in pleasure as he pushed it deeply into my pussy until it was lodged there, and left it there on high. I heard him returning to the toy box once more. I was pretty sure that he was getting the flicker whip: The one that hurts like crazy and leaves welts everywhere and sure enough, I soon heard a whistling sound through the air and the first crack hit my right cheek. I jumped and groaned in pain, curling my fingers and toes to try to steel myself for the next impact.

S. continued to work on my ass with the whip, alternating cheeks and making me gasp and moan in pain. Occasionally, he would stop and come over to my head and pull my hair until he could see my face and demand whether I was ready to submit yet. Each time, I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head in denial. And he would resume the whipping. It was a crazy sensation with the vibrator in my pussy because each time the lash hit my sensitive skin, I would convulse and involuntarily clench all my muscles, including my internal ones, causing a wave of pleasure inside my pussy at the same time as the sharp pain from the crack of the whip. The simultaneous pleasure and pain was making me crazy!

About halfway through this, S. stopped and rummaged in the toy box again. I wondered what was in store for me now, and I soon heard the dreaded sound of lube being squeezed out and I knew what was coming next. Sure enough, I felt his fingers invading my anus and I moaned and tried to squirm away, only succeeding in spreading my legs even farther apart. Before I could recover, S. pushed the largest plug all the way in, making me moan loudly. Then he resumed the whipping, pausing from time to time to press against the plug and shove it in even more deeply. Because I still had the vibrator inside me, both the plug and the vibrator rubbed against one another, causing the vibrations to invade my anus as well and I writhed from the sensations of pain, pleasure and fullness that I was helpless to stop.

My ass was on fire by the time S. was finished, but I still refused to utter the dreaded M.. word. I honestly cannot explain this very well, other than to say that there is something in me that just balks at the idea of calling anyone that. And, even if I'm in significant pain, it's extremely difficult for me to even contemplate uttering that word. I guess S. decided that it was time to change tactics because he removed the vibrator, leaving the plug inside me, disconnected my wrists from my ankles, and ordered me off the bed. I complied shakily and followed him to the foot of the bed.

"Kneel!" he commanded me, and I dropped to my knees once more, my body shaking from the abuse it had already taken. S. then proceeded to attach my ankle restraints to the spreader bar so my knees were spread far apart and then attached my wrist cuffs to the bedframe on either side so my arms were spread wide, turning me into a giant X, and unable to move in any direction.

At this point, my knees were really starting to hurt, my ass was killing me, The anal plug had been in for quite a while by now, and my anus was really starting to ache, and I was shaking quite a bit. My head was spinning too, so when S. approached me with the blindfold, I shook my head back and forth, trying to escape it. But of course, I couldn't, and I was soon engulfed in darkness, unable to anticipate what would come next. I chewed fretfully on the bit gag and tried to regain some composure, but I could feel myself slipping further into subspace.

S. made me wait for a few seconds, and then I heard the sound of the whip whistling through the air. I tried desperately to bring my arms together to protect myself and to huddle forward but the restraints prevented me from doing so and I took the full impact of the lash directly across my breasts. I cried out in pain and my body shook. Before I could even breathe again, S. hit me again, catching me directly on the left breast and making me gasp in agony. He kept this up for a while until my entire body was shaking from head to toe and then he paused to ask whether I was ready to submit and call him "Master" yet. The pain all over my body was intense, but something within me just refused to break and I shook my head in defiance, while dreading the continued punishment that would follow.

S. reached behind my head and removed my gag, causing drool to drip down my chest and told me that he would just continue with the whipping and I could submit and call him Master any time I was ready. He then returned to the toy box and I heard the sound I had been fearing the most: The metal clink of the nipple clamps. I hate the clamps! They are excruciatingly painful!!!! The bite of them against my sensitive nipples is nearly unbearable under normal circumstances and the thought of having to endure them now that my breasts were inflamed and swollen from the whipping was nearly too much to bear.

S. came over to me and I felt his hand tease my left nipple, making it harden, and then he attached the metal clamp directly onto it. I couldn't help the loud "OWWWWWWWWWWW!" that escaped my lips as the pain made me break out in goosebumps and convulse against the restraints. Seconds later, I felt him repeating the process with my right nipple and I another "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" issued from me as that clamp bit deeply into my delicate flesh. At this point, I think I was crying. It just hurt so freaking much!!!

Then I heard S. Leave the room for a few moments and I straine my ears, trying to make out what he was doing. To my dismay, I was able to identify the sound of the freezer door and ice cubes clinking. By the time he returned to the bedroom, I was moaning and shaking my head back and forth. He laughed when he saw me and I soon heard him close in front of me. I tried desperately to close my legs to protect my pussy but the spreader bar kept me stretched wide open and S. wasted no time in pressing the ice cube directly into my clit, making me gasp and moan. I tried to sway my hips away from him but the bedframe prevented it, and he pushed the ice deeper until my lips closed around it and it was stuck in place.

At this point, I was very close to my breaking point and I knew it: my ass was on fire, my knees ached, my shoulders and wrists were strained from my yanking desperately on my restraints, my nipples were sending unbelievable waves of pain through my body and the ice was causing an intense freezing, burning sensation in my clit that was almost too much to bear.

S. then picked up the whip and started once more to lash my tortured breasts. I was crying out with each impact as both the area of the lash hurt like crazy and my nipples that were being jerked around with the clamps and chain connecting them swinging around from my convulsions were too much to bear. It was at that point that I broke, and the next time S. paused and asked me if I was ready to submit yet, I hung my head and nodded.

It took several deep breaths before I could force myself to say the hated word: "M...M...Master," I finally managed in a croak.

"Louder!" he commanded.

"M...Master!" I repeated obediently in a louder tone, submitting completely to his will, unable to hold out any more.

This finally satisfied S. and he removed the nipple clamps, causing a fresh wave of pain as the blood rushed back into my abused flesh and I collapsed onto my hands and knees as soon as he disconnected the restraints from the footboard. S. moved around me removing all four cuffs, the blindfold, and finally taking out the anal plug. He then helped me to my feet and guided me to the bed.

I was deeply in subspace at this point and curled up in the bed with his arms around me in a somewhat catatonic state. S. held me gently and patted my cheek and hair, telling me how much he loved me. It took a while for me to be able to even open my eyes, or respond to him in any way. He kept telling me he loved me, but all I could manage back was to nod my head against his chest.

Finally, after a long time had passed, and my shaking had stopped, I felt a bit better and was just floating in S.'s arms. This is my favorite part: I feel so loved and cherished and cared for in those moments. S. is always so kind and gentle and I would do just about anything in the world for him right then. So, when I heard him say once more: "I love you!" I curled the corner of my lips into a small smile and clung tighter to his chest and whispered back:

"I love you too, Master!"

Spread Wide

This is another update regarding what happened over the past few days while S. was here. Sorry about putting up so many posts all at once, I'm just now catching up! When you read about the last few days, I'm sure you'll understand why: S. kept me VERY busy, lol.

In the last post, I told you all about dinner with the Japanese rope harness, and how I wound up sore and rubbed raw. You might think that was sufficient for one day! But, apparently, S. had other plans for me...

He had been wanting to try a new position for a while now, and so after I had soaked in the tub for a long while and eased some of the pain from the rope harness, he decided it was time to try it out!

S. started by having me kneel at the foot of my bed. Before I continue, I should explain that I have a very nice bedframe: It's an oak wood frame, with scrolled wrought iron throughout the entire center of the head and foot boards. The wrought iron makes a perfect place to attach restraints in any number of different ways (which, I will freely admit, is precisely why I purchased it! Hehe).

Anyhow, S. then put the leather wrist and ankle cuffs on me and attached the spreader bar to my ankles so I was forced to kneel with my legs spread wide. He then brought my arms up and over the back of the footboard so my shoulders were pulled upward and my arms spread completely to either side and attached the wrist restraints to the footboard from the back. That caused me to arch my back and be unable to move at all in any direction.

I was already feeling pretty vulnerable from wearing the rope harness all night and now being spread wide in this position, and that's when he added the blindfold. Not being able to see, just heightens every sensation and makes everything so much more intense because I can't anticipate anything that is going to happen to me!

Then the fun began and I felt S.'s tongue and mouth on my nipples, exploring and teasing them until I was panting. He always teases me that all he has to do is "press" my nipples, and it dispenses moisture from my pussy. So he enjoyed inserting a finger between my legs to test how wet I was and calling me his "dirty, wet mess."

Then I heard him go to the toybox and return, and the next thing I felt was a vibrator on full power on my clit. I jumped as I hadn't been prepared for the sensation, and it caused a simultaneous wave of pleasure and pain (due to my clit having been rubbed raw by the bondage rope during dinner). S. then inserted the vibrator as deeply into my pussy as he could, making me groan in pain and ecstasy and continued to toy with my nipples while I writhed against the restraints.

After a while, he moved away from me, and I heard him leave the bedroom, but I couldn't tell what he was doing. When he returned, I heard him bend down in front of me and then a shock traveled through my body as he brought an ice cube directly against one of my nipples. I moaned and tried to squirm away, but couldn't. He repeated this with the other nipple until both were completely erect.

Then he did something I had not anticipated: He reached down and held the ice cube directly against my clit! I thought I would jump out of my skin when he did this!!! I have never felt anything so cold in my life!!! I pulled helplessly against the wrist restraints and tried desperately to close my legs, but the spreader bar held them wide apart. I swayed my hips from side to side, in an attempt to escape the freezing ice, but to no avail. Then something happened that absolutely delighted S. and horrified me: He pushed the ice deeper into my clit until the lips closed around it and when he took his fingers away, the cube STAYED there on it's own! He was thrilled! But I thought I was going to go out of my mind! The freezing sensation was so intense by this point that it felt like burning and I yanked repeatedly on my cuffs to try to get away.

S. was so thrilled by this development, he decided that it would be a grand idea to try the whip out on my breasts for the very first time while I was distracted by the burning in my pussy. Since I was still blindfolded, and completely preoccupied by my clit area, I didn't even hear him go to the toybox again, and the first lash that landed directly on my left breast, made me jump and convulse in pain so hard, I'm amazed I didn't break the footboard! I'd never experienced any type of breast torture before other than the recent very brief application of the nipple clamps and the stinging in such a sensitive area was insane.

S. quickly followed the first lash up with a series of others, creating welts on each breast and on the skin between them. I writhed and moaned constantly throughout, my awareness leaping between the freezing, burning sensation in my clit, and the fiery streaks of pain on my breasts. My legs were trembling as they struggled to keep me upright, and my shoulders screamed at me as each new lash of the whip caused me to throw myself forward and backwards against the restraints, straining all of my muscles.

Once S. was satisfied with the pattern he created across my torso, he bent down to check the ice, and pushed the remainder even deeper into my pussy. At this point, I was shaking and moaning uncontrollably. He kept his hand like that for a few moments, and then finally took pity on me and removed it. He then moved around me, removing first my wrist and then my ankle cuffs. As soon as the wrist restraints were off, I collapsed forward, with my head on the floor, and my body curled as close together as I could manage while still attached to the spreader bar. S. finally removed the ankle cuffs, and took off the blindfold. But I was too disoriented to keep my eyes open. I just stayed on the floor, in a fetal position, panting and trembling.

And then I felt a tap on my shoulder: "Up!" he commanded. I struggled to obey, and with S.'s help, I made it to my feet. I couldn't do anything but press my head into his chest and cling to him at this point. He gently guided me to the bed and helped me into it. He covered me and curled up beside me, holding me gently and reassuring me that he was there and that he loved me. As always, when I am deep in subspace, time is meaningless and I floated there for a while until I slowly began to regain control of my senses. S. always takes exquisite care of me after he is done playing, and he remained by my side, caressing and talking to me softly until I was finally able to respond and move around normally again.

After that, I went to clean up in the bathroom. It was very strange to see the welt marks on my breasts as I've only ever had welts on my ass before and have had to look into a mirror to see them. Being able to just look down and see and these welts was strange and delightful. It made me smile to know that S. had definitively claimed another area of my body as his.

First Anal & Bondage Harness

We drove home on Sunday after one final gourmet breakfast and checking out of the inn, and spent a lovely afternoon at home, cuddling in front of the TV, watching movies. S. kept up the routine of playing with my nipples nonstop so I was very very very horny by the time the movie ended and all wet. He seems to delight in keeping me constantly horny and then teases me about what a “dirty slave” I am, and tells me he doesn’t understand why I’m wet all the time.

I’d been asking S. if I could have the privilege of washing him when he took a bath for the last couple of days, but he kept saying no. But he did call me in after his bath that afternoon and tossed me a towel and said, “Dry me, slave!”  I was so happy to be able to serve him in that way!  I carefully used the towel to dry every inch of him. I did his top first and then knelt and dried his legs and then his cock and balls very very carefully. He turned around so I repeated the procedure for his backside as well. Then I checked to make sure that he was pleased with the way I had done it. He was! J It made me smile a lot!!! S. knows that I have a terrible time with any type of titles and he’s promised me that I will call him “Master” again before he leaves. But he knew I wouldn’t say it so easily. So he commanded me to say “Thank you, Sir.” After drying him off. I flushed bright red and stared at the floor and said “Thank you, Sir.” In a tiny voice.  I hoped that would be good enough. But apparently it wasn’t: S. grabbed my hair and forced my head up to face him, saying “Look at me!” I stared into his eyes, unable to move my head away, and he said: “Now say it again.” I cut my eyes away a couple of times, gathering my courage and then repeated “Thank you, Sir” in my small voice and he was finally satisfied. He let go of my hair and I immediately looked at the floor once more.

After that, the rest of the evening became progressively more interesting.  S. had indicated earlier that day that he wished for me to cook him lamb chops so I happily did. It was his first time tasting lamb and he loved it!!!! It makes me so very happy to be able to please him in that way! :D After that, S. decided that he wanted to do the dishes for me. I keep telling him that he isn’t supposed to be doing any work at all! That I can and will happily do absolutely everything for him!!! But I guess he has his own ideas on the topic lol. Because he told me that he was the Dom and could do whatever he wanted and that if I didn’t shut up and learn my place, I could kneel in the kitchen doorway and watch him in silence until he was done with the dishes. So after that, I stopped voicing my objections, although I still felt very very twitchy and useless, watching him move around my kitchen cleaning up for me!!!!

Then things got kind of crazy. We went to the bedroom and he put the spreader bar back on me. I was on my hands and knees, so the bar spread me very wide back there. Then S. attached the wrist restraints and used the bondage rope to attach the wrist restraints to the center of the bondage bar, running the rope between my arms and legs. I was still on all fours, bent over with my ass in the air, but the difference was that I couldn’t take a header off the bed or move away now that my wrists and ankles were connected. He then inserted the bit gag, and proceeded to whip my ass soundly. It hurt! He moved very quickly and I didn’t hear him pick up the whip, so the first lash took me completely by surprise. When it hit, I jumped so hard, my hands and knees all left the bed simultaneously. S. enjoyed that. And with the spreader bar, I couldn’t even wiggle from side to side, the way I normally do, and the bondage rope prevented me from lunging forward either. By the time he was done, my ass HURT and I had drooled all down my chin. S. would come over periodically and yank my head up by the hair and ask how I was doing. With the gag in place, and halfway in subspace, all I could do was groan unintelligibly back.

After he was done placing welts all over my ass, S. inserted the largest butt plug once again, causing me to moan. Then he brought out the double bullet vibrator. He placed the first bullet deep inside my pussy, and then used the second one in a way I would never have anticipated: He held it right against the base of the butt plug, causing the entire plug to vibrate deep in my ass! I about lost it when he did that. I groaned, and squirmed and wiggled as far as the spreader and restraints would let me, which wasn’t far at all. Despite all my desperate movements,  S. continued to press the bullet right against the plug, making me crazy with the vibration deep inside my ass.  The sensation was simply insane, and I wasn’t sure I could stand it, but I had no other choice. So S. continued to torment me until he was satisfied, while I wriggled, moaned and groaned desperately fighting it. When he was FINALLY done, he removed the restraints and let me recover for a while.

Later on that night, S. became very hard while we were cuddling in bed, and decided it was time for my first session of anal. So he had me kneel on the edge of the bed with my ass presented and spread my legs. I did as I was told. In a way, this was harder than anything yet, because I’ve been so terrified of anal and there were no restraints keeping me in place. I had to use sheer willpower not to bolt away from him, and lock my muscles in place instead. My heart was beating so very hard, I thought it would explode. I could hear S. behind me, putting on a condom and I started trembling in fear of what was to come. I buried my head in the comforter and gripped it in both fists, and just tried to hang in there and not move. Then I heard the lube bottle and next thing I knew, his finger was deep in my ass. It’s bad enough having something inserted in there, but the in and out, in and out sensation is enough to make me want to leap through the nearest window, glass and all. But I knew I had to remain still, so I grit my teeth, arched my back, and did.

I could hear him lubing up his cock and fought the urge to turn around and peek to see how wide he was. I was so afraid that this was going to hurt terribly! Then, the next thing I knew, his cock was in my ass!!!!!! It was so fast!!! Not at all what I had expected! I had imagined it having to be pushed in slowly and ripping my anus apart as it went. But it was inside me in the flash of an instant and S. started pounding against me. The in and out sensation was pretty awful, but I was so insanely relieved that it wasn’t horribly painful, I remained still and didn’t move until he was done. By this time, I was most of he way into subspace: The willpower it had taken for me to submit and remain in position without bolting away had completely drained me, and after spending so much time on my hands and knees recently, my trembling muscles ached.

When S. went to the bathroom to wash and clean up, I just collapsed a little onto the bed on my belly with my legs still bent and spread. By the time he came back, I was still that way, just trying to remember how to breathe. He came over and asked me some questions about the experience, but all I could do was mostly nod or shake my head.  As always, when I am in subspace, S. took care of me. He sat on the bed and let me curl up with my head on his lap. He patted and stroked me and told me he loved me and made me feel safe until I was able to sit up and speak again. (I never have any sense of time when this happens so I have no idea how long it took).

Once I was better, S. announced that he had decided that I was going to sleep in a bondage rope harness tonight. This was almost too much for me to bear at this point, after enduring the whipping, the butt plug, and now my first time with anal. So I just stared at him, trying to figure out whether he was teasing me, or was serious. I guess I figured out he was serious when he told me to get the laptop so we could look at the diagram… So I obeyed. And he told me to stand up and then followed the directions on the screen to create the harness.

This was my first time in bondage rope, and I had no idea what to expect. It was the weirdest sensation!!! The harness ran between my legs, so both ropes were pulled tight, chafing against my pussy and pulled tight, deep within my butt crack, then running up my spine to be reconnected to the rope around my neck, and finally weaving a pattern around my torso that made the entire harness tight. By the time the final knots were tied, the harness felt very tight around me, and any movement at all caused the rope between my legs to chafe mercilessly either against my clit or my anus. The sensation was maddening.

S. seemed very pleased with himself and ordered me in bed. Just getting into the bed made me immediately realize that I was in trouble. There was no position at all that was even remotely comfortable and he told me to get on my left side and then curled up behind me, tugging a rope now and then, just to make it worse. In that position, the rope bit cruelly into my clit, causing both pain and arousal. And I couldn’t straighten out or wiggle to adjust my position because S. was directly behind me, spooning me. I immediately felt myself begin to drip. I groaned and whined quite a lot over the next few minutes, which just seemed to make S. grin even harder, and when I complained that any tiny movement caused the rope to chafe more against my pussy and anus, he simply responded: “That’s the whole point! Good night, slave!” and turned over and faced the other way, leaving me there in misery.

I turned out the light as ordered and lay there, wondering how in the world I was ever going to fall asleep at all. I kept whimpering quietly, so S. finally said that if I hadn’t fallen asleep within a half an hour, he might release me from the harness. Unfortunately for me, I usually look at my phone to see what time it is, and the phone was a long reach away from the bed, on the shelf. And the LAST thing I felt like doing right then was stretching, causing the harness to bite even more deeply into my sensitive parts. So I just lay there and wondered what time it was. After a short while, I could hear S. snoring gently. At that point, I nearly kicked him! It seemed so unfair that I was lying there, bound and wildly horny and with a constant biting, tugging sensation in my most sensitive areas, while he snored away peacefully. Fortunately, I mastered my impulse, and didn’t kick him or anything else.

Finally, after I have no idea how long, I dozed off, exhausted by the day’s events. I woke up sporadically through the night, each time I tried to move or adjust my position in the bed, the resulting tightening and cruel bite of the ropes would immediately wake me up. The night went on this way until maybe 3 or 4 am when S. woke up as well. He asked whether I wanted the harness removed and I nodded and said please!!!! So he removed it and my god what a relief it was!!! The rope left an interesting pattern of marks and some chafe areas on my body. After that, I slept much much better! It was such a blessed relief not to have anything pulling and chafing against my sensitive areas!!!

In the morning, the rope marks were all gone, but the chafed areas were still red and a bit raw. I didn’t really pay much attention to them, until I sprayed my perfume on before going to work and nearly jumped out of my skin: The alcoholic base of the perfume caused the chafed areas on my chest to burn like mad! I had to wipe tears from my eyes before I could continue to get dressed.

New Year's Eve :)

What a wonderful feeling to wake up in my beloved’s arms on the 31^st!!! It was delightful to stretch and see his smiling face, and the warmth of his arms around me, and his soft kisses everywhere. The most wonderful feeling in the world!!!!! I snuggled with him for a long while, just enjoying the warmth of his skin against mine, until I noticed his nice morning wood greeting me! :D So I decided I should definitely take good care of that! S. enjoyed my mouth and hands on him and came a TON which made me very happy!

Then I baked him some croissants for breakfast and then made food preparations and packed them in a cooler for later that day. We both had showers and got ready to go. I had done some research and thinking about how I wanted to spend New Year’s with S. I had considered various events and parties in the city but decided a more intimate setting would be really nice for our first New Year’s Eve together. So we had reservations for two nights at a Bed & Breakfast a couple of hours drive away on a pretty lake.

We did a little shopping in town and then headed out to the B&B. It was a beautiful afternoon and evening and we took our time driving. By the time we were getting close, the sun was setting and it was absolutely breathtaking so we stopped and took lots of pictures which was fun!

The Bed & Breakfast we chose is this amazing restored Victorian mansion on a hill overlooking the lake, and when we drove up, we immediately saw that the website hadn’t exaggerated. The place was simply gorgeous! The oak paneling and ceilings, the many giant fireplaces, stained glass windows, and rich brocade drapes, all contributed to the absolutely charming atmosphere. The owners were very welcoming and before long, we were upstairs in our amazing room: It had a huge blue and white stained glass window right above the King size bed, the original soaking tub from the 1800s, and original tile in the bathroom and fireplace. We spent quite a while just gaping at everything and marveling that we would get to spend the next two nights in such a breathtaking setting!

The next two days were lots of fun! The owner cooked us gourmet breakfasts each day and we explored the lake region and the surrounding towns. We went snowshoeing together, and ate out, and just basically had a wonderful time together. Everything is SO much better when S. is with me. It’s like he’s my own private beam of sunshine, lighting up the world around me. It doesn’t matter what we are doing, he just makes it 100 times better!

On New Year’s Eve, we had a picnic in our room from the cooler I’d brought and shared a bottle of champagne. It was delicious and what more perfect way to spend the New Year, but cuddled in front of the fire, toasting each other?!!! It was absolutely wonderful!

We only brought a few toys with us to the inn, but we had a great time anyway. S. decided that we should take a bath together in the old tub and so we did, which turned out not quite how we had imagined it (I won’t get into details but imagine limbs sticking out every which way lol) and we wound up laughing our heads off most of the time. But it was great fun! J S. also put the spreader bar on me for the first time, stretched as wide as it can go. And I discovered that while it keeps my legs fairly spread when I’m lying on my back with it on, it spreads me VERY wide when I’m on my knees and makes it impossible for me to clench my ass cheeks together at all.

S. enjoyed inserting the largest butt plug when I was in that position and making me groan and try to squirm away. He was very pleased by how easily the plug went in: A testament to the weeks of anal training he put me through! I felt SO vulnerable on my knees, bent over, with my legs spread so wide by the spreader bar. There was no way for me to protect myself at all when he pushed the plug in. All I could do, was push my face into the bed and try not to moan too loudly. He teased me mercilessly that all of the other guests at the B&B would stare at me in the morning for being so loud! I was mortified at the thought.

We also spent vast amounts of time just cuddling and playing around on the giant comfy bed, and enjoying the light from the fireplace.  S. seems to find it amusing to wrap his arms around me and then quietly play with my nipples nonstop while we talk or cuddle. It’s a low-grade arousal but a constant one that keeps me dripping without any chance for respite. When I complained that him doing that to my nipples was like pushing a button that dispensed liquid between my legs, he found the idea hilarious and pressed them repeatedly, calling me a “dispenser”. >_> 

After that, he would alternate from playing with one nipple, to the other, and then inserting his finger between my lips and rubbing my clit to tease me and see how wet I was getting. At one point, I was getting so horny and frustrated, I was squirming all over the bed and he had to threaten me with the butt plug for an extended period of time if I didn’t keep my legs spread as commanded. He also repeatedly held me back from taking a diver off the side of the bed in my desperate attempts to move away from him and compose myself. I just have to point out that it’s really unfair how much stronger guys are!!!

On the second night, S. decided that it would be fun to rub my clit and tease me until I came, and then keep right on rubbing. Normally, when I play with myself, I stop the INSTANT I cum. In fact, I often will turn the toy off if I’m using a toy before I’m even finished cumming because it makes me so sensitive I simply cannot stand any stimulation at all once I reach that peak. But S. thought it would be fun to just keep right on going. And so he did, while I tried desperately to get away from him. But unfortunately for me, there was absolutely no way for me to escape, and I wound up flailing helplessly in his arms, while he mercilessly kept on stimulating me. I thought I was going to go out of my mind with the stimulation on my already engorged and insanely sensitive clit, but he kept right on going until I came a second time. After that, he thankfully let me clean up and then fall asleep in his arms once more, completely exhausted.

Anal Training

Who ever thought I'd write a post on this topic? :(  The above image should give you a pretty good idea of how I feel about anal sex. Up until I met S, no man had gotten anywhere near that part of my body! Not with their cock, not with a toy, not even with their fingers! The minute anyone tried, I'd spin around and fix them with my best evil eye and icily inform them: "That attraction is closed for the season!" I guess there must have been something in my tone because no man ever questioned me on it or pushed their luck a second time!!!

And then along came S... whom I love. And adore. And very much want to please. S. who is my darling Dom and makes me feel wonderfully submissive. And what does S.'s number one desire just happen to be? You guessed it: Anal sex. Cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! S. and I discussed anal sex at great length at the start of our relationship. He expressed his deep desire to have anal sex. I expressed my equally deep desire NOT to have anal sex. So we were at a stalemate. Except, of course, for the teeny weeny little fact that he's the Dom and I'm not... So where does that leave me now? Smack in the middle of anal training...

When thinking of limits, anal comes extremely close to being a hard limit for me. It's something I have never in my life so much as considered doing. It is NOT something I have fantasized about, unlike spanking, paddling, whipping, bondage, etc. And I'm extremely squeamish so the entire thought of anything being in there grosses me out. And to top it all off, I have a fair amount of fear associated with worries of ripping, bleeding, damage, etc. So, I was very tempted to just shut the entire discussion of anal sex down completely by making it a hard limit and enjoying using my two other holes to please S. instead.

But what stopped me was the sheer excitement that was apparent when S. spoke of putting his cock inside me there. He said he had dreamed of doing so his entire life. He was practically panting just at the very idea. The thought of doing something that would please him so much excited me. Plus, to me, it was pretty much the ultimate act of submission because I honestly expect pain and discomfort and so it will be entirely about his pleasure, not mine. So how could I refuse to even consider it? I couldn't...

Also, by the time we discussed the topic in earnest, S. had already used the whip to establish his ownership of my ass completely and irrevocably. Prior to meeting him in person, he'd say "mine" when referring to my ass and I'd giggle and contradict him: "nooooo mine!!!" But a couple of evenings with him and the whip cured me of that forever. Now when he points to my ass and says "Mine!" I shut my mouth and nod in enthusiastic agreement. I did try to beg him to let me retain ownership of just 5 percent of it (I bet you can guess which 5%) but sadly for me that wasn't gonna happen.

At first, S. was gentle with me, probably sensing what a delicate topic it was for me, and didn't push me to do much. He told me that I could take my time and prepare for it. (I told him I liked the idea of a 5 year plan. But sadly he didn't go for that. Ah well, a girl can dream!) He had me use a toy from time to time to train myself back there but never for more than 20 minutes at a time, and after a few weeks he let it slide altogether. He used his fingers when we were together and put toys inside me twice. If I hadn't been securely tied down the first time, I absolutely would have bolted right off the bed. But by and large, I thought I might be getting away with indefinitely postponing the whole anal thing and I was very pleased by it.

However, as Christmas approaches, and so does his trip to come see me, it appears that S. has decided that I'll be giving him a gift of anal sex for the holidays. Personally I'd rather sell everything I own and buy him a new car, but once again we run into that little issue of him being the Dom so I don't always get what I want, do I? Bleh...

So, last week, S. texted me that I was to start using the anal beads for 2 hours each day Monday through Friday, and the larger plug for an hour each on Saturday and Sunday. The second week, it increases to 3 hours a day, the third to 4 hours, the next to 5, and I'll be at 6 hours a day with the beads deep in my ass by the time he comes. Now the anal beads may not seem like much because they aren't terribly wide but they are terribly LONG. And let me tell you after my first week of experience with them, when you sit on them, it's like they are impaling you! By the end of 90 minutes, my ass was aching! I'm definitely not looking forward to increasing to 3 hours tomorrow! :(

When I typed back a response of sheer horror at this anal training plan, S seemed to find my discomfort greatly amusing. His last text on the matter said: “I’m not taking it easy on you. when I have you tied up and your legs spread far apart by the spreader bar, I’m going to penetrate your ass with my entire cock. You’ll have to feel how wide I am soon. If you aren’t prepared in 5 weeks, I will have no sympathy for you as my cock opens your ass for my shaft to drill.”

Is this the part where I run away and hide under the bed?

The whipping girl

 

This image is a perfect representation of my very first night of fun with S! :) See how sweet the boy's face looks? Young and soft and gentle. But do you also see that sadistic glint in his eye? The slight smirk at the corner of his mouth? The eager way he is leaning forward?

See how happy and excited the girl looks? See her willingness as she holds her wrists up to be bound? But do you also see the fear and sense of shock in her wide eyes? The oh-my-god-what-am-I-doing grit of her teeth? The way her body instinctively leans away from him just a little?

This simple cartoon image takes my breath away because it represents pretty much exactly how it felt on my first night in the hotel with S when he decided it was time to make my lifelong dream of experiencing a whipping come true. 

One half of me was tap dancing for joy! I had had literally thousands of fantasies of being whipped! I wanted to experience it so badly! And now it was FINALLY about to happen!!!! But the other half of me, perhaps the saner half was going: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!??? Don't you know, its going to HURT!? This guy is going to tie you to the bed and you will be completely helpless! Unable to stop him! Have you lost your damn mind, girl?

The whole experience, from start to finish, was literally mind blowing. Have you ever had someone place you in bondage? It's the weirdest feeling in the world to voluntarily lift your wrists and present them to be shackled. It's like the ultimate way of submitting to another person and saying "Take me, I'm yours!" S was gentle, making sure the leather cuffs on my wrists and ankles weren't too tight and didn't cut off my circulation. But still, watching him attach the restraints that would soon bind me at four points and render me helpless literally took my breath away!!!

It made me feel shy and helpless, even before I was restrained to anything. My head went down. My eyes lowered. I found I couldn't look him in the eyes. I could feel myself blushing. My heart rate accelerated and my breathing sped up as I watched him attach the leather cuffs to first my wrists, and then my ankles.

We had purchased an under the bed restraint system and placed it directly under the mattress. It looks pretty much like this, except that S placed me flat on my stomach, with the straps tightened so all four of my limbs were stretched out in an X, with little room to wiggle. And my ass was bare and completely unprotected...just the way I'd always imagined it. Except much, much scarier since this was REAL!

It was at this point that it occurred to me that while I might have enjoyed all of my fantasies about whips, while I was lying safely and pain free under my big comforter, this was going to actually HURT. Not just a little pain, but probably quite a lot. But as it was my very first time, I couldn't very well steel myself for the pain because I had no idea what to expect. Would it be like a thud and then a sting afterwards? Would it be a sudden sharp pain? Would the pain dull after a few seconds or keep stinging? Would it worsen? What would happen when he whipped an area that had already been marked by the lash? How was I going to react? Was I going to be able to remain silent? (I don't like making much noise at all, although S loves it when I do). Was I going to yelp? Scream? Cry? Beg? I had no idea what was about to happen and I could feel a shakiness in my limbs as S stretched them out, attaching them to each restraint in turn, until I was spread helplessly on the bed.

The whip we had picked out was a flex flicker whip. I didn't think that a crop would do that much, and decent floggers were insanely expensive. Single tail whips were out of the question as they take a lot of training and practice to use safely. So we had settled on a flicker whip to start with. It looks exactly like this:

 

It's basically a long flexible rod with a handle and wrist strap. On the business end, it curves and then a length of thin braided nylon sticks out about another five inches. I'd swatted myself with it a few times to test it out prior to this evening, but it's almost impossible to aim at your own rearend so I really didn't have any idea what it would feel like.

So there I was: spread out across a queen size bed in a hotel room in a strange city, with a guy I had only just met in person. He was holding a whip and standing behind me, where I couldn't see him. I pulled experimentally at the restraints, wondering how secure they were as it was my first time using an under the bed system. It became immediately apparent that the device did exactly what it was meant to do and there was no way I was going to be able to pull either my arms or my legs in to protect myself in any way. In fact, all I could really do was wriggle a little on the mattress, but that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

I suddenly felt S's weight as he moved onto the mattress beside me. Before I could pull my head up and turn it to see what was happening, he slipped a blindfold over my eyes. Christ, now I really felt helpless!!!!! There is something about having your vision cut off that really makes you vulnerable. So now, I was literally in the dark, waiting to see what would happen. I wasn't sure whether I should hold my breath and try to steel myself for pain yet or not. Was he going to start? Was the whip already traveling through the air toward my soft flesh? Was he going to tease me and make me wait? I wriggled the little that I could and pulled at the restraints, trying to bring my legs and arms in closer to my body in order to feel a little less vulnerable. But of course I couldn't.

The first sensation made my whole body jump, even though there was no pain: It took me a second to figure it out, but then I realized that S. was running the braided nylon rope softly up and down the inside of my thighs. It made me break out in goosebumps everywhere. I squirmed against the restraints a little and tried to remember to breathe.

"Are you ready?" he asked, still rubbing the tip of the whip against my sensitive skin. Was I ready? I had no idea! I was blind and shackled and helpless. I was afraid of the pain as much as I wanted to experience it. How could anyone ever be ready for something like this? I tried to find words to respond, but I seemed to have lost my voice. Shakily, I lifted my head from the mattress and nodded.

Before I could change my mind, I felt the tip of the whip leave my thigh, and heard the distinctive rush of air as S brought it down toward my naked ass. I barely had time to brace myself and BAM it impacted with my sensitive skin, right across my left buttock. The breath of air I had been holding exploded from my lungs. Owwwww! Okay well now I knew at least: The pain was sharp and sudden. And it left a lingering sting in a long line across my bare ass cheek. But it was tolerable. 

"Are you okay?" he asked. In his voice, I heard concern for me, but also a rush of power, having me bound and helpless before him. I wondered how it had felt for him to inflict his first stroke with the whip. Was he aroused? Was he excited? Was he grinning? Still blind, and voiceless, I nodded in confirmation that I was all right.

I could tell that S hadn't hit me very hard on this very first attempt. It was also his first time using a whip so he was going to take some time to figure out the best technique. I could hear him moving around the bed and then another whistle and BAM the whip hit my other cheek. This one stung a bit more as his second swing was more confident. I grit my teeth and remained silent.

There was a pause and I heard nothing. Time was impossible to gauge. I couldn't tell if seconds or minutes were passing. I listened hard, wondering what he was doing. It turns out, he was waiting me out: Waiting for me to stop bracing for the next stroke, before inflicting it. (See, this is how I know he's a natural at this lol). As soon as I stopped clenching my butt cheeks, and allowed myself to breathe a little, I heard the swish of air again. But it was too late, and the lash hit my cheek before I could gather my defenses. This time an audible whimper betrayed the shock and pain I was in. It must have pleased him, because he immediately followed up with two more lashes to that same cheek.

I groaned aloud involuntarily. My right buttock was now on fire! The stinging, which I had pretty much dismissed after the first stroke, was now raging across my entire cheek. I was trying to get my breath back and brace for another lash at the same time. But the next sensation caught me by surprise: It was the feel of his soft, warm fingertips, tracing the lash marks he had just placed on my cheek. I had never felt anything like it: Compared to the whip, his fingers were soft and gentle. But they were also pressing directly on my abused flesh: Tracing each mark, and making it sting anew.

I wriggled a little under his fingers, but my wrists hurt. I realized that I must have been yanking my arms against the restraints while he was whipping me, digging the leather cuffs into the flesh of my wrists, without even realizing it. A gentle tug of my legs, informed me that my ankles were now sore too. I felt so incredibly exposed with my legs spread out and helpless. I wondered how much he could see between my legs. His fingers could go anywhere they pleased and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Even as I tugged reflexively at the restraints once more, as his fingers explored the welts now rising on my cheek, I felt a wetness between my legs and a sudden heady sensation of incredible pleasure at my predicament.

Once S. was satisfied with his work on that cheek, he moved back to the other side. I braced myself, as I heard him moving to my left. And sure enough, another swish of air, and he set about evening up the lash marks on my left buttock so it too would show welts to match my already throbbing right cheek. By now, the pain was building up, and S.'s strokes were becoming more confident, so I grunted and whimpered through each impact.

Just as I wasn't sure I could take another stroke right then, I felt his weight on the mattress once more. He must have been kneeling beside me on the bed, because I felt the heat of his body close to my left side, and then he pulled my head up forcibly by my ponytail, his hot breath in my ear, whispering: "You're mine, Jade. I am going to have my way with you tonight!" I trembled convulsively at his words, at the smirk in his voice, at the pleasure I could tell he was getting from my pain. My head was spinning and I couldn't begin to think straight. My ass was on fire and my wrists and ankles hurt. I felt spread and vulnerable and scared and yes, excited. More excited than I had ever felt in my life!

I felt S.'s weight leave the bed, and then heard him walk toward the other side of the room where the bag of toys was. I could hear him rummaging, but couldn't tell what he was doing. What toy was he going to pick? We had a riding crop, several vibrators, a butt plug and a set of anal beads, as well as a ball gag and a bit gag to choose from. I hoped he was going to forgo the anal on this first night because I had never engaged in anal play of any sort with anyone in my life and it terrified me.

I waited, trying to slow my breathing down so I could listen better and try to figure out what he was doing. Eventually, I heard his footsteps returning to the bed and then his weight on the mattress once more: This time at the foot of the bed, directly between my spread legs. I squirmed and tried to bring my ankles closer together, only to be prevented from doing so by the restraints. I heard a sudden buzzing sound and then felt a vibrating toy being pushed into my pussy, while he ran his other hand over the swelling welts on my ass cheeks. The mix of pain and pleasure, the feeling of helplessness, being bound and blindfolded and unable to do anything about either sensation, made me wild and I immediately started to drip.

His hand that was holding the toy pushed it harder into my clit, finding the nub with enough force to cause just a little pain in addition to the stimulating pleasure. This drove me over the top and I could tell that I was going to cum fast. He wiggled it back and forth on my clit, while still fingering my sore cheeks: tracing each welt in turn. My breathing turned to panting and I wriggled again, this time trying to get closer to the vibrating toy. It wasn't long until I came, the sensations in my wrists and ankles, the stinging throbbing of my ass cheeks, and the vibrating in my pussy as it was spread open to him, all combining to form an orgasm that shocked me with how quickly it had come.

S. then removed the toy and moved to another part of the room, not near the toy bag. I wanted to lift my head and try to listen, but I was completely worn out. I felt as if I had been running a marathon: My limbs were all shaky with exhaustion and my ass throbbed. I felt as if I couldn't possibly lift my head up. So I lay there, no longer fighting the sensations or bracing myself. But simply having given myself up to being helpless.

I heard a sound I couldn't identify, and then heard S. returning to the bed. Once more, his weight bent the mattress between my legs and I wondered what he was doing. Suddenly the strangest sensation: A feeling of both warmth and ice cold on my aching butt cheeks! What in the world was he doing, I wondered. But then I realized what the sensation was: S. had gotten a piece of ice from the hotel ice bucket and was holding it in his mouth. I was feeling his hot breath and the freezing ice simultaneously as he moved his mouth across each welt. The sensation was both arousing and soothing at the same time. He traced each and every welt before moving off the mattress once more.

Then he came over to the head of the bed and I felt his hands lift my left wrist and detach it from the restraint. It was over, I realized. I hadn't the slightest notion of how much time had passed. I felt completely exhausted and helpless, restraints or no. With my wrist freed, I pulled it in a few inches, closer to me, but that was as much as I could manage. S. moved his way around the bed, freeing each limb in turn as I lay there, in my out of body state, only vaguely aware of what he was doing.

When my last limb was free, S. removed the blindfold. I blinked in the low light of the room and felt even more disoriented than I had while blind. So I shut my eyes again. I managed to curl up a little, moving my arms and legs together for protection, but careful not to let anything touch my still throbbing rear. I found that I was shaking: small tremors seemed to travel of their own accord up and down my torso. I wasn't sure why or what to do about it so I just lay there. My head felt immensely heavy, and I didn't think I could possibly lift it if I tried.

I felt S. come sit in front of me on the mattress. I thought I should look up at him but I couldn't open my eyes or move other than trembling. I felt his hands smooth my hair and his fingers stroked my cheek. "I'm here. You're safe." he told me. "Just listen to my voice. I'll be here for you." His closeness and reassuring words made me feel less lost and the trembling started to abate. He just sat there and talked to me, stroking my hair, for I have no idea how long.

Eventually, I was able to open my eyes and look up at him, blinking a bit, still disoriented. He smiled down at me and asked if I was okay. I nodded. Then he asked if I wanted to put my head on his lap. (He knew this was something that would make me feel safe). I nodded again, and with his help, crawled forward until I was curled up with my head cradled on his legs. He leaned forward so I could feel the warmth of his body over mine, protectively covering me, and continued to stroke me gently.

More time passed. Again, I have no sense of how long it was. But I was eventually able to open my eyes for longer and longer periods of time and then smile up at him. S. smiled back down at me. "It's good to see your smile" he said. That made me smile more. I had done it! I realized. I had endured my very first whipping! And now I was safe in my darling Dom's arms, and I felt amazing! I reached down with one arm tentatively and felt my butt cheeks. I was immediately astonished by how much the welts stood out so I could trace them as they ran across my tender flesh. They stung slightly as I touched them.

I looked back up at S. to see his reaction. He grinned down at me and touched my ass lightly with one hand.
"Mine!" he said.
I nodded in complete agreement.
He had certainly proven that tonight! He had marked his territory and it was most definitely His!

Stranger Danger

Have you ever met someone in real life that you've only spoken to online up until that point?

Have you ever put yourself out there and gone some place to meet a total stranger?
What if they're a crazed killer?
What if they're some kind of freak?!!!

Millions of people have probably experienced something like this at least once: Blind dates, Match.com, eHarmony, etc. Nowadays, the experience of talking to someone online and then going out to coffee or a first date with them isn't unusual. It can be a bit nerve wracking to meet a stranger at the local coffee shop, but hey, if things don't go well, what have you really lost?

But what about the agreeing to meet someone you've known online for a year and spoken to every single night for the past six months? What about meeting someone you have shared your deepest, darkest secrets and fantasies with? Someone you have grown to love? What about meeting them in a hotel in a strange city where you will share 5 days together? Now that, my friends, is a whole different level of pressure!!!

That's what I was planning to do...

Meet a complete stranger!

In a strange city.

In a hotel.

With one bed...

Well, S. wasn't really a stranger, I guess. I mean, we had spoken most nights  for the past year, and every single night for the past several months. We knew a tremendous amount about each other. We had shared our secrets and our dreams. We had exchanged pictures. We had talked about everything and anything. But still, having never met in person up until now, I was terrified! You hear so many horror stories of what happens to women who meet strange men they've corresponded with on the internet. It really is frightening! Then, there was my shaky self esteem to deal with: I kept having visions of him being disappointed, of him mocking me, of him running away.

My original plan had been for us to meet in a place neither of us had ever gone. Neutral territory, I thought to myself: That will be much better than having S. invade my home turf in case things don't work out. I didn't want him to know exactly where I lived. It felt safer to do things far from home. We had also debated the exact location of our first encounter. I knew full well that meeting in a public location was smart. It was safe. It was the right thing to do... And I just could NOT bring myself to do it! I was SO nervous. I thought I would go insane if I had to sit in a crowded public location, literally shaking with nerves. I was afraid I might break down and cry from sheer fear and humiliate myself in public. So we agreed to meet at the hotel room. I know, I know, that was probably pretty dumb, but at the time we made the decision, I felt safe in the knowledge that S really cared about me and I felt like I knew him well enough not to be in any danger.

But boy was I having second thoughts now, standing all alone in a strange hotel room in a strange city. I felt so lost and vulnerable. Hundreds of miles from all friends and family. And S. would be here within the hour!

My eyes traveled to the single bed in the middle of the room. What the hell had I been thinking?!!! S. and I had had several long discussions about the bed issue. The hotel offered two full beds or one queen bed for the same price. I wanted the two full beds "just in case"... In case of what you might ask? Well, in case, S. decided I was repulsive and he hated me. In case, I passed out from sheer nervousness and needed a place to be revived. In case I suddenly reverted to childhood and developed a bad case of incontinence. In case S. turned out to be an ax murderer (although I'm not sure how a second bed would help in that situation lol).

S. on the other hand, wanted a single bed. He said he was confident things would go great and he wanted to be by my side every single night. He was so sweet, and so reassuring, I had agreed to go with the queen sized single bed. So yeah, there I was, staring at the one bed, wondering what I had gotten myself into.

So what do you do, when you have an hour before this strange man arrives and you're in a strange hotel room and you're terrified? I had already agonized over my outfit for weeks so there was no point in changing it now. I walked to the window and looked out. I walked to the bed. I walked back to the window. I returned to the bed. I stamped my foot and told myself to stop pacing. Then I told myself not to stamp my foot, because I was acting weird and I needed to get a grip.

Action, I told myself. I need something to do! I decided to check my hair in the mirror. My face looked pale, but my cheeks were flushed, and my eyes looked very wide, the pupils dilated. I tried to ignore the image of my own scared face staring back at me and brushed my hair for the sixteenth time instead.

Now what should I do, I wondered? I walked back to the window. I returned to the bed. No, stop! This was ridiculous! I didn't want to keep pacing like a lunatic, so I made myself sit on the edge of the bed. But I immediately started to worry about making wrinkles on the perfectly made bed, so I hurriedly got up and tried to smooth the waves I had just created on the bedspread. I wanted so much for everything to be just perfect when S. finally arrived!

Man, was it hot in here, or was it just me? I spent the next 10 minutes fiddling with the AC. Up a degree, down two degrees, up half a degree, down one, etc. I finally decided that if I had it on absolute maximum I might freeze to death but that would be infinitely better than having S. find me a sweaty mess for our first meeting. I felt like I was literally melting from nervousness! I needed something to distract me and fast!

I sat in the desk chair. At least I couldn't wrinkle that! I turned the TV on. I turned the TV off. I turned it on again. I channel surfed for about 10 seconds. Then I decided I simply couldn't sit still any more. I had to DO something. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth for the fifth time since I had arrived at the hotel half an hour ago. Halfway through this, I suddenly panicked and decided that S. had arrived and he was probably knocking on the door but I couldn't hear it over the TV and the running water. I hurried out of the bathroom, my mouth still full of toothpaste, and turned the TV off once more. Silence. I didn't hear any knocking.Then I checked the door, opening it just a crack and peering out with one eye, like a paranoid freak.Nope, nobody there, thank god!

I realized I still had my toothbrush in hand and toothpaste in my mouth. What an idiot I must look like! I went back to the bathroom and finished brushing my already sparkling clean teeth. Then I decided that I needed to brush my hair again. At this rate, I wasn't going to have any hair left by the time he arrived and I'd have worn a groove in the carpet between the bed and the window. I tried to sit down again but was assaulted by a brand new concern that I'd wrinkle my clothes. But I felt like a complete idiot standing in the middle of the room, with the AC blasting freezing air at me, doing absolutely nothing!

Let me tell you something: An hour of waiting in a hotel room in a strange city for the potential man of your dreams is a very, very, very loooooooooong time!

Finally, my phone rang!!!

My heart nearly stopped, but I managed to answer it and not pass out. "H-hello?" I said? Immediately every possible worst case scenario ran through my mind:
- His car had crashed and this was a police officer calling to inform me of his death.
- S. had decided that I was repulsive even before getting to the hotel room and was calling to let me know he was turning the car around to go back home.
- The hotel manager was calling to inform me that the hotel was on fire and I needed to evacuate immediately.
- S. was calling to tell me he had a family emergency and couldn't make it after all.
- Candid Camera was calling to tell me I was the victim of a really elaborate prank and was currently being watched live by millions of viewers, all of whom thought I was a complete idiot. 
- S. was calling to say that, upon reflection, he really wanted a blond girl, and I just wouldn't make the cut.

It's pretty amazing how many horrible things can run through your head while you are just saying the word "hello"!!!

"I'm here!" came S's familiar voice.
"HERE???!!" I squeaked! As if the concept that he was coming was complete news to me. I looked at the door in horror. "Where??!!!" I didn't see anyone. I hadn't heard a knock.
He laughed: "I'm in the elevator, on my way up!"
"OH!" I gasped, unsure if I was relieved or terrified. My brain didn't seem to be functioning normally.
If he was in the elevator, it meant I had a few more seconds before the moment of truth! But then again, not very many seconds. Oh God, oh God! What should I DO?!!!

I ran to the door of the room and threw it open. I peered down the hall. No elevator yet. Should I stand there in the hall? Should I stay in the room? Should I go to the elevator? Indecision and nerves paralyzed me.So I stood there, half in the doorway, staring down the hall with wide eyes as the lights on the top of the door light up, showing the cab was ascending.

The elevator bell dinged. Oh my God. OH GOD! This was it!!! I couldn't breathe! I was going to die! He would find me here, a mottled shade of blue, lying in the doorway of our room.

I saw the door slide open, and out stepped S. He looked down the hall and saw me standing, frozen in the hotel room doorway. He grinned, and casually walked down the hallway toward me, still holding the phone to his ear.

Something about S's big grin and relaxed manner unfroze me and I was able to finally take a deep breath. By the time he made it to the room, I wasn't in imminent danger of passing out any more. I held the door while he came in, pulling his suitcase behind him, and let it go so it shut behind us.

And then he walked right over to me. As if he'd known me forever. As if he knew we were meant to be. 

And he took my face in his hands and kissed me. A soft, gentle kiss that lasted for several seconds. At that moment, all my fears melted away. I knew everything was going to be okay!!!

Is This Subspace?

I am going to past a diary that I wrote a few months back. I wrote it before S. and I met irl. At the time I wrote it, S. was becoming more and more excited by the idea of bdsm and getting to be together and try things out. On the day that I wrote this diary entry, he started throwing ideas and scenarios at me in a way he never had before. Anyway, here is the diary entry as I originally wrote it:

The weirdest thing happened…I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before. I think I had my very first taste of subspace. It was incredibly interesting and powerful. And I suspect I just grazed the very tip of that iceberg: I’m mad curious to explore more of it lol.

So yesterday S. and I were talking. We were chatting via text message about the previous night where he used scenarios while we were playing the video game together, to make me nuts and distract me and tried to get me to beg verbally on Skype (and failed lol  although he did get me to type it and that was incredibly annoying all by itself lol).

Then without any warning, he sent me a message saying:

”I have 5 complete scenarios now. What if I set up a condition right now and tell you that I’m allowed to say or do anything to you at this very moment and you are not permitted to use your toys to get release when you get home until after I give you permission after the game is over. Clearly I’ll let you be tormented by my scenarios all day.”

I started to respond something flippant about the use of “what if…” not constituting an order. Then I got the next message:

“If you do use your toys without my permission, I will use my scenarios to distract you for 3 game days in a row." (the video game we played is extremely complex and requires a LOT of focus so having to deal with bondage talk throughout would make it nearly impossible for me to play.)

I was like…uhhhhh….

But I still decided flippant was good. Flippant means I’m in control. so I wrote:
”So is that an order? Because sentences that start with “What if…” are likely to be shrugged off by me. If you’re going to make me do something or prevent me from doing something it has to be absolutely direct with no wiggle room.”

To which he responded:
”Yeah.. You know me.. I suck at grammar. But I’m quite serious. If you don’t believe me, then Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights in game will be pretty intense for you :P”

I was like: ooooooookey dokey craaaaaaaap, I guess he means it.

After that, he started to torment me in a deliberate and unrelenting way. Some samples:

“You’re mine today, Jade, and your toys aren’t going to save you today until I give you permission to use them!”

(Dammit I hate when he uses my name like that. It makes me feel there is nowhere to hide!)

“Mhmm.. It’s going to get rough for you now. Since you still have your yeast infection, I believe you might need help to reduce the itching right? I will bind your hands and legs to a chair and have my way with you there. Clearly I will just rub you down there for a while an then use some ice cubes to rub around the area and watch your facial expression to see how cold it is.. I will do this until you beg for me to stop. I will place a vibrator inside you and have it on low while eating you out until you moan enough to satisfy me and cum for me. I will demand that you suck me off after that…before placing my dick in your pussy. Have fun at work! I’m glad it’s Friday! >:) Muhaha.”

(Christ did he really type that? It’s going to get rough? Gulp. Argh! Ice plus begging plus vibrator, plus having to give head while helplessly tied…gulp! Man I wonder what ice would feel like down there? Would I shriek? Would I endure it silently? Would I beg for it to stop? Would it stop the feeling of being swollen and cool the throbbing or make it worse? I wonder…)

“I don’t believe you deserve to have my hard dick inside you. At least not until you submit and tell me, Please S., Fuck me. I would tell you that you don’t deserve this dick and stand there and stroke it in front of you. Once you submitted, I would insert it into you deeply until you came some more. Hope your drive is fun! Haha.”

(Woah…Who IS this guy???!!!!!! Where did Mister Nice Guy go???!!! This is like Dr Jekell turned into Mr. Hyde!!! How the hell does he come up with this stuff? More begging grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Bleh I hate that word “submit”, so makes me squirm. Humiliation gah. Hope your drive to work is fun? Grrrr he is mocking me! He just ensured my drive would be an hour plus of incredible frustration…)

“I would like to rub the head of my dick against your wet lips and then make it look like I’m about to slide it in your wet pussy and back out to torment you and make you pant more. I’ll just tease you and keep stroking myself and rubbing your pussy and sliding my fingers inside you. Finally I will insert my dick and let it throb inside you while it gets harder and then slide it back out and stroke it for a while and repeat :P  When I’m ready to cum I’ll demand you to suck me down again and swallow all of my cum. There I’m all done now. Have fun with the rest of your day, Jade.”

(Holy Christ. I think I just read that message 12 times in a row!!! Words standing out: torment, pant, throb, demand. Yeow. Would he really do that?!!! Jeezum I’m soooo freaking wet right now and throbbing inside, outside. Arghh. I can’t imagine having him inside me and wanting relief so badly but then having him withdraw and making me give him satisfaction with my mouth, while leaving me completely desperate. My head is spinning. And he used my name again >_< I hate how he does that. So much sarcasm. I can tell he’s smirking, enjoying every minute of this. Grrrrrr…..)

“Only 8 more hours to go! I told you. I’m in control today, Jade. I’m taking every advantage of it. I’m going to have you dripping most of the day.”

(Oh my god I so wish he would STOP using my name! I feel like I can’t hide anywhere when he does that. It’s making me crazy. Man I love/hate it when he tells me HE is in control. And yeah dripping…I’m dripping allright…)

“Having no toys to help you out even when you get home. Such a pity…”

(Somebody please tell me: Is this the part where I get to kill him? Or bite him? Oooo yeah bite. HARD! I so want to right now. I can feel my jaws just itching to do it. That would be incredibly satisfying right this minute! He is just enjoying tormenting me wayyyy too much.)

“Try not to hit any bumps on the road it might stimulate you down there. I’m sure you are very sensitive down there right now. Just sliding my tongue inside you might make you explode, right?”

(Inarticulate moan/groan…stooooooooooooooooop! Omg how can he talk about putting his tongue inside me? I think I’m gonna totally lose it! I’ve been swollen for like six plus hours straight now. I’m going crazy!!! Maybe if I shift positions so I’m sitting as far back on my bottom as possible it will help. Huh nope that didn’t really help. Argh! I’m SO frustrated. Try not to move! Try not to squirm. I’m so anxious I keep jiggling and it just makes it worse. Reread the message: “sliding my tongue inside you” yeah I think I’m going to go completely insane…)

“Mhmm… I want you to keep throbbing and wet until the game is over late tonight. That will keep your focus on that area only. That is the goal.”

(Groan. I AM freaking throbbing and wet L That IS all I can think of!!! How the HELL am I supposed to play the game with my whole focus on that area? I can’t believe how many hours are left. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m not even home yet and I’m going crazy. I feel like he’s controlling my every thought at this point. Where is my famous self control??? Gone…I need to get a grip but with three quarters of my attention on my crotch that isn’t happening any time soon. Argh!!!!)

“You know, just to be mean with you, if I were at your house right now, I would have hidden all of your toys around random areas in your house when you got home. Actually this would be a great idea. I’ll hide all your toys and devise a way to make you wet and throbbing all day at work and when you got home I will blindfold you, place a ball gag in your mouth, and a wireless vibrator in your pussy, and press the button if you are getting close to a toy of yours and increase the vibration if you are getting closer. The conditions would be that you couldn’t peek through your blindfold or remove the ball gag or I’ll tie your hands and make you crawl.”

(…

… mental freeze…

…

Read it again.

…

I

Cannot

Believe

He

Came

Up

With

That.

I can visualize it perfectly. Omg stop visualizing it! Why does he have to be so freaking descriptive? I can imagine exactly what it would feel like. STOP imagining it! I can’t stop…I can just visualize him meeting me at the door with the blindfold in one hand, the ball gag in the other and a smirk on his face. So humiliating. Leaving me so helpless. Crawling? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! So much worse than kneeling! His conditions are insane. I don’t think I’ll ever dare disobey him…)

So I kept getting these messages all day long while I was trying to work (hah) and getting more and more aroused. At first it was just fun and mildly annoying and I’d smile when I heard a text message bing on my phone. Then after a while, it started to get really frustrating. Especially since I knew I couldn’t just go home and relieve myself like I so wanted to. And he kept reminding me how many more hours I had left: 10 hours 8 hours, etc. It seemed endless and he never let up. It got to the point where I would hear the bing and see: S. text message(8) and groan. I actually debated a few times whether to even read them. But I felt compelled to. I started to have this weird sensation of fullness from being so swollen and I kept having to go to the bathroom but of course that wasn’t the problem and it would go trickle trickle and leave me with no relief whatsoever, which was even more frustrating. I considered using my hand in the bathroom stall to get some relief, but I know myself well enough to know it would just aggravate things and I wouldn’t be able to cum and get any relief that way either. Even the sensation of wiping with toilet paper was making me crazy.

By the end of the day, my head was starting to spin with all the emotions and trying to repress/ignore the physical feeling of being aroused, wet and swollen for so long without any chance of release. It was made so much worse by knowing that things were going to get much harder before they got better because I was facing several hours of trying to focus on the video game, sitting in a hard wooden chair, with brand new scenarios to distract me while I tried to focus on playing well. I drove back home, trying not to squirm in the seat, attempting to ignore the throbbing inside me and keep my legs tightly together while leaning back to avoid pressure on that area. Not an easy task while driving. I kept trying not to think about what lay ahead, to let my mind wander onto different topics and try to relax but I just couldn’t. All I could think of were my toys and the hours of gaming ahead.

When I finally got home, and saw my toys but knew I couldn’t use them and things were going to get worse, not better, I just wanted to kick something. And then there was his voice on the phone saying: You can look but don’t touch! Soooooo frustrating!!! Next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the bed, gazing at my toys in the basket just on the other side. I was just throbbing and so wanting to use them, and he was gleefully saying: “Ooo I can hear you panting!” I was like WHAT? Christ am I actually panting? ARGH! Instant mortification. Okay time to hang up NOW! I briefly considered just going ahead and using my toys anyway, but I immediately discarded the thought: I knew he would know immediately as soon as I got on Skype and I had zero doubt he would follow through with the punishment on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. And I didn’t think I could stand having it dragged out so long. I just needed to obey and have it end tonight. So I gave one last regretful glance at my toys and turned to the computer.

Then the real craziness began. Normally the scenarios he types are fun and certainly extremely distracting but I can sort of tune them out when necessary and just focus on doing what I need to do in the game. They’re still a distraction but I’m able to maintain control and shift most of my attention back and forth from them as needed most of the time. But tonight I was already worn down from so many hours of being aroused, wet and swollen with no release. So my defenses were already weak. So when the scenario onslaught started, it was almost impossible to ignore them. I struggled through a couple of hours of play, but when we reached a difficult part in game, I felt like I had reached a limit. One minute I was still fighting it, the next I just hit a wall. So despite myself, I broke down and asked for a break. I just knew at that point that I wanted and needed it to stop!

Honestly, I didn’t expect S. to let me have one but to my great relief I did. I guess he must have heard the weariness in my voice or something. The next 10 minutes were a blessed relief. I used every minute of my break trying to breathe deeply and regain some type of control over myself. And I succeeded to a certain extent. After the break I felt refreshed somewhat and able to continue. Then he whispered to me: “Your break is over now.” And I was like... And the torment started again.

Anyway, whatever reserves I had managed to gather during my break didn’t last long this time, and just 20 minutes later, I found myself groaning aloud every time a new scenario appeared on my screen just instants before I was supposed to perform some complex manoeuver in game. It was relentless: EVERY single time. It got to the point where I would cringe every time an important move was coming up, and I just about lost it at that point. I’m pretty sure I failed repeatedly to do what I was supposed to be doing. Well frankly I have no clue what the heck I was doing at that point. I was just a mess physically and mentally. All I could think about was my throbbing swollen areas and wanting it to end. But I had nothing left mentally or emotionally to resist or fight back with. I was spent. I started feeling kind of shaky and sort of light headed, it’s hard to explain the feeling.

I guess I must have sounded pretty desperate when I asked for another break. I was so afraid he was going to be like: Nope you already had one! But instead he asked me why I thought I deserved another break. At that point I was so desperate and worn down all I could think was: Oh my god, what does he want me to say? I’ll say whatever it is. Just make it stop. I was terrified he was going to make me put myself out there and then say nope, no break mwahaha! At that point I didn’t think I could have handled that. So I warily asked whether it was a trick question. He just told me he wanted to see what I would say about why I thought I deserved it.

I felt confused. Did I deserve it? I didn’t know. I just knew I needed it. Did he think I deserved it? Or was he just playing with me some more? I wasn’t sure. I was in no mental state to read him. Did I have to do something in order to deserve it? For a few moments, I debated asking him what did I have to do or say to get another break. I had a moment of : Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it, whatever it is, just make it stop please. But something told me that would be a dangerous thing to do. So I used my last ounces of self control and decided to try a less risky response and typed something semi coherent about having obeyed him and trying to please him and having expressed gratitude multiple times for the last break. I had no idea if that was remotely what he was looking for in response.

Then there were several moments of painful waiting for me, and then he finally responded that I could have a break for the rest of the time in game. I was like oh thank god!!! From that point on, I just kind of endured. I wasn’t really able to think straight and I don’t think I talked much on Skype or by typing. I just tried to get through whatever time was left until he would give me permission to go play with my toys. I was completely worn out and vulnerable and shaky. It was weird because by that time the urgent need to play with my toys and seek relief wasn’t so strong any more. I was just like numb all over. I had entered a new and different mental space: One I had never experienced before. I had zero defenses. I just put myself in his hands and tried to endure until told otherwise. I wondered if there were going to be more strings attached to me being allowed to go seek release like begging or anything like that and I knew I’d just comply without a fight. It was weird to contemplate something I knew should make me squirm and my back go rigid and my defensive walls all rise, and know there was nothing I could do about it at all right then. I felt extremely helpless.

Then the game finally ended and he told me “You have permission to go play with your toys now Jade” on Skype. The tone of his voice plus the word permission and the use of my name made me totally cringe. I couldn’t bring myself to respond on vent at all. I couldn’t seem to find my voice. So I just typed THANK YOU.

So then I finally was in bed with my toys… so weird after so so many hours of waiting and wanting this moment. Release came quickly and with an incredible feeling of physical relief. Leaving me still ridiculously swollen but without that aching throbbing sensation that had been tormenting me for hours and hours. But I still felt really weird mentally. I wasn’t sure what to do next. I had logged off the game and Skype and so I thought maybe I should send a text message. I did, but I wasn’t sure what to say: “I’m done.” was all I could think of. I sat there on the bed for a few moments after sending it but I didn’t think I could stand to just wait for a response. So I got up and got back on Skype. I didn’t think I could deal with sitting on that wooden chair any more though: I was so completely exhausted mentally or physically. I’d never felt anything quite like it. So I asked if we could get on Skype together. He agreed and I gratefully got on Skype and then collapsed in bed, hugging bear and my pillow. 

So yeah, that's the diary entry. I believe that day was my very first taste of subspace. A state I had often read about but I had absolutely no idea what it would feel like. I had never felt so defenseless or vulnerable in my life as I did that night. I was so physically and mentally spent, I would have done anything S. told me to without any resistance. It was a completely insane feeling!

He and I talked about it at great length the next day and for several days after that. I think he was kind of shocked that he was able to get me to such a vulnerable state and awed by my complete submissiveness to him when I was in it. It came as a deep surprise and a revelation to us both.