Cleaning, Laundry & Bondage

 

So, yesterday was Saturday, which is our normal cleaning day around the house. We both like a clean house, so we pretty much clean every single room thoroughly every week including: Vacuuming all of the rugs, sweeping all of the floors, using the Shark mop on all the hardwood and tile, using the Swiffer mop on all tile and wood to make it really shine, watering the plants, dusting, and doing laundry. 

This week, S. decided that it would be fun (for him) to make things more difficult for me as I did my half of the cleaning. So he informed me that he would be adding one piece of bondage per room that we cleaned. Fortunately for me, our house is very small. But let's just say by the end, I was having a VERY difficult time cleaning anything at all!

S. started off by shackling my wrists closely together. This may not sound like much, but you try sweeping without being able to separate your hands more than a couple of inches. It just makes everything much more awkward!!! After only about 10 minutes, I was already getting a backache from trying to do everything without any room for leverage between my hands. So annoying! But I tried not to complain too much because I knew more was to come...

I got lucky on the second room because S. simply put the ankle restrains on me but didn't connect them yet, so I mostly just continued to worry about not being able to do anything without both hands being close together. Filling the Shark was frustrating and trying to sweep things into the dustpan was near impossible. My backache got worse and I grumbled a lot to myself.

Then the really unfun part came: S. connected my ankle restraints so that only about two and a half inches were between my ankles, barely allowing me to move either foot in any direction. He then stood there and laughed at me as it took me several minutes to move across the room at a snail's pace, as I was only able to move each foot forward an inch or so at a time. SO frustrating! Especially with him imitating me and laughing! Grrrr! "How am I supposed to clean like this!!!???" I demanded. "Guess you'll have to figure it out!" he told me, still laughing.

And so I hobbled painfully slowly from room to room and did my best to keep cleaning. Things that normally seem as easy as breathing like sweeping the bedroom floor, now seemed daunting: It would take me a full two minutes of intense effort just to get to the other side of the room before I could even begin to start sweeping, and then my efforts were hampered by my wrist shackles. By now, both my wrists and ankles were getting sore in places from the constant tugging against the restraints as I struggled to keep cleaning.

Apparently, this wasn't enough for S. who then decided that he would whip my ass while I tried desperately to Shark mop the floor of one of the rooms. He pulled my pants down so my ass was exposed, and with my wrists shackled in front of me, it was impossible for me to pull them back up or protect myself (trust me, I tried!!!). He then started to whip my bare ass. I tried to drop the Shark and turn around, but he told me he would keep going until the room was done. I then tried to rush through the cleaning, but with my wrists shackled, making it difficult to extend the mop far from my body, my ankle restraints forcing me to take tiny little steps, and the constant distraction of the crack of the whip against my bare flesh, it was VERY distracting!!!

I whimpered, cried out, and complained through the entire room and then finally made it to the threshold saying: "I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!!!" over and over again. After that, S. put the whip away, but he continued to smack and squeeze my very sore ass every time he passed me for the rest of the morning. He also decided that I should insert the Ben Wa balls for the last part of our house work. And so I wound up panting and dripping as I tried to mop the bathroom floor with my wrists and ankles still shackled, and the Ben Wa balls vibrating inside me with every movement. Argh! By this time, everything was aching from the effort of cleaning without having any freedom of movement and having to fight the restraints the entire time.

By the time we got to the hallway, I was exhausted and just gave up, collapsing to my knees in the corner for a while. Fortunately for me, S. took pity on me and finished the last of the cleaning and then took my restraints off and told me I could remove the Ben Wa balls and go take a bath.

Oh my goodness, the bath felt GREAT! It eased my poor aching back and joint muscles and I felt much better by the time I got done. But then S. informed me that he wasn't done yet because I still had the laundry to do. he told me that he would be using the wand on me for five full minutes for each load I put in the laundry or dryer. Gah!

As many of you know, I LOVE my wand, but only in very very short doses. Somewhere between 2 and 3 minutes maximum is amply enough to make me cum and any type of stimulation after I've cum is enough to make me scream and try to escape: Once I've cum, I'm SO sensitive, all I want to do is have nothing touch me ever again in that area! In fact, if I'm the one in control of the wand, I'll actually turn it off as soon as I start to cum so I don't go crazy. But here, S. was determined to use the wand on me repeatedly for extended periods of time throughout the day!

S. waited until I'd finished the first load of laundry and then put it in the dryer so he could start off with a combo of 10 full minutes. He announced that he would do 5 minutes with it on the low setting and 5 on the high setting. (Typically, I cum in about 2 minutes with it on low and somewhere around 30 seconds to a minute with it on high so I knew I was in trouble.) S. didn't bother to tie me up for this, but sat with my legs sort of underneath his. I squirmed and kicked and wriggled and pushed and pulled, but it didn't get me very far because he is so much stronger than I am: A fact I find infinitely unfair!!!!

I spent the first five minutes with the wand on low, trying desperately not to cum, knowing that once I did, the rest of the time would be absolute torture. I continually tried to wriggle away from S or change my position so he couldn't press the wand so firmly into me, but all to no avail. It's SO annoying to have my favorite toy inside me and not even be able to enjoy it at all, for fear of what will happen once I cum! Grrr!!!

I made it through the first five minutes miraculously, but almost as soon as S. switched it to high, it was all over. There is simply no way to resist that level of stimulation!!! Plus, he made it worse by rubbing my clit with his thumb over and over. I think I made it about 20 seconds in and came immediately. The rest of my four and a half minutes on high were spent with me alternating between desperately trying to wriggle away and escape and me screaming: "OFF! Turn it OFF!" at S, who of course, completely ignored me and just kept right on pushing the wand in deeper.

FINALLY the 10 minutes were up and I went to clean myself. After this, we went shopping which gave me some respite, but as soon as we came home, I had to put new loads in the washer and dryer, which meant another full 10 minutes with the wand. I was already tired and my defenses were down, so I didn't even make it through the five minutes on low this time around. I came somewhere around the third or fourth minute and then spent the rest of the time trying desperately to escape. S finds it particularly funny when I yell at him about how unfair it is that he is so much stronger than I am. Anyway, I came a second time, by now the orgasms were getting painful and maybe a third time, but once it gets to that point, it's hard to tell any more. I was completely exhausted by the time those 10 minutes were up and I was about ready to pay someone else to do the rest of the laundry!

But S. let me rest for the rest of the day, thank God!!! However, he determined that he would inflict the final 10 minutes on me for the last 2 loads of laundry this morning instead. This time around, he put the wand in a slightly different way and kept it on high the entire time. That, plus him relentlessly teasing my clit with his thumb, and I barely made it through the first two minutes out of ten before I came hard! This time though, I was so worn out from yesterday and the sensation was so intense, I could barely even move: My legs were like frozen in place. I mostly just shook and moaned and tears even flowed from beneath my closed eyelids from the sheer intensity of the sensation holding me in place.

"Oh God, PLEASE turn it off!!! PLEASE! PLEASE!" I moaned repeatedly. "Please, Master!" S prompted me. Argh. I HATE saying that evil M. word but the level of sensation was so much I simply had zero resistance and I almost immediately broke and begged: "Please, Master!" He made me repeat it once more before he was finally satisfied and blissfully turned off the instrument of torture. I had to lie there for several minutes, before I could even remember how to move! 

Fortunately, the laundry is pretty much done now, so I believe I'm safe for the rest of the day!!!

Calling Him "Master"

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I have a hard time with titles like "Sir" and especially "Master". I wrote about it in several posts including this one: Titles...ewww! But S. greatly enjoys calling me "slave" and his mission in life is to have me call him "Master" all the time.

To date, I have only ever uttered the dreaded M... word once. And it was this summer when he kept whipping me until I finally broke (I need to write a post on that but haven't gotten to it yet). By the time he was done, my ass was on fire and I simply couldn't hold out any more so I wound up whispering the word in submission. But I haven't come remotely close to saying it since despite S. trying to get me to say it from time to time.

However, I knew that my stubbornness in this matter wasn't going to last on this trip as S. had promised me I WOULD call him "Master" again before the end of the trip. So here we were on the last night, and I knew what was coming although I couldn't anticipate the exact format it would take. All I knew is that I was determined not to say that word and that S. was equally determined to get me to say it. And unfortunately for me, since S. is the Dom, I knew I was probably going to be put through a lot of pain before the night was out, until I finally broke and said it again.

And so it began...

S. placed me on my knees on the bed, with my legs spread and then attached wrist and ankle cuffs. He connected each wrist to the corresponding ankle so that my ass was high in the air and I couldn't move to protect myself in any way. I squirmed a bit, but quickly stopped, because in that position, all squirming accomplishes is making my legs slide farther apart, making me even more vulnerable to whatever S. might choose to do.

To my surprise, S. attached the bit gag to me. But he explained as he did: "I am going to keep this gag on you until you are ready to call me Master." I groaned through the gag and buried my face on the mattress. S. grabbed my hair and yanked my hair so my head was forced up and back and told me that he would keep going until I called him Master tonight.

S. then slid off the bed and I could hear him rummaging in the toy box. He pulled something out, and I soon heard a vibrator and felt him push the head of it against my pussy. I jumped and groaned in pleasure as he pushed it deeply into my pussy until it was lodged there, and left it there on high. I heard him returning to the toy box once more. I was pretty sure that he was getting the flicker whip: The one that hurts like crazy and leaves welts everywhere and sure enough, I soon heard a whistling sound through the air and the first crack hit my right cheek. I jumped and groaned in pain, curling my fingers and toes to try to steel myself for the next impact.

S. continued to work on my ass with the whip, alternating cheeks and making me gasp and moan in pain. Occasionally, he would stop and come over to my head and pull my hair until he could see my face and demand whether I was ready to submit yet. Each time, I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head in denial. And he would resume the whipping. It was a crazy sensation with the vibrator in my pussy because each time the lash hit my sensitive skin, I would convulse and involuntarily clench all my muscles, including my internal ones, causing a wave of pleasure inside my pussy at the same time as the sharp pain from the crack of the whip. The simultaneous pleasure and pain was making me crazy!

About halfway through this, S. stopped and rummaged in the toy box again. I wondered what was in store for me now, and I soon heard the dreaded sound of lube being squeezed out and I knew what was coming next. Sure enough, I felt his fingers invading my anus and I moaned and tried to squirm away, only succeeding in spreading my legs even farther apart. Before I could recover, S. pushed the largest plug all the way in, making me moan loudly. Then he resumed the whipping, pausing from time to time to press against the plug and shove it in even more deeply. Because I still had the vibrator inside me, both the plug and the vibrator rubbed against one another, causing the vibrations to invade my anus as well and I writhed from the sensations of pain, pleasure and fullness that I was helpless to stop.

My ass was on fire by the time S. was finished, but I still refused to utter the dreaded M.. word. I honestly cannot explain this very well, other than to say that there is something in me that just balks at the idea of calling anyone that. And, even if I'm in significant pain, it's extremely difficult for me to even contemplate uttering that word. I guess S. decided that it was time to change tactics because he removed the vibrator, leaving the plug inside me, disconnected my wrists from my ankles, and ordered me off the bed. I complied shakily and followed him to the foot of the bed.

"Kneel!" he commanded me, and I dropped to my knees once more, my body shaking from the abuse it had already taken. S. then proceeded to attach my ankle restraints to the spreader bar so my knees were spread far apart and then attached my wrist cuffs to the bedframe on either side so my arms were spread wide, turning me into a giant X, and unable to move in any direction.

At this point, my knees were really starting to hurt, my ass was killing me, The anal plug had been in for quite a while by now, and my anus was really starting to ache, and I was shaking quite a bit. My head was spinning too, so when S. approached me with the blindfold, I shook my head back and forth, trying to escape it. But of course, I couldn't, and I was soon engulfed in darkness, unable to anticipate what would come next. I chewed fretfully on the bit gag and tried to regain some composure, but I could feel myself slipping further into subspace.

S. made me wait for a few seconds, and then I heard the sound of the whip whistling through the air. I tried desperately to bring my arms together to protect myself and to huddle forward but the restraints prevented me from doing so and I took the full impact of the lash directly across my breasts. I cried out in pain and my body shook. Before I could even breathe again, S. hit me again, catching me directly on the left breast and making me gasp in agony. He kept this up for a while until my entire body was shaking from head to toe and then he paused to ask whether I was ready to submit and call him "Master" yet. The pain all over my body was intense, but something within me just refused to break and I shook my head in defiance, while dreading the continued punishment that would follow.

S. reached behind my head and removed my gag, causing drool to drip down my chest and told me that he would just continue with the whipping and I could submit and call him Master any time I was ready. He then returned to the toy box and I heard the sound I had been fearing the most: The metal clink of the nipple clamps. I hate the clamps! They are excruciatingly painful!!!! The bite of them against my sensitive nipples is nearly unbearable under normal circumstances and the thought of having to endure them now that my breasts were inflamed and swollen from the whipping was nearly too much to bear.

S. came over to me and I felt his hand tease my left nipple, making it harden, and then he attached the metal clamp directly onto it. I couldn't help the loud "OWWWWWWWWWWW!" that escaped my lips as the pain made me break out in goosebumps and convulse against the restraints. Seconds later, I felt him repeating the process with my right nipple and I another "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" issued from me as that clamp bit deeply into my delicate flesh. At this point, I think I was crying. It just hurt so freaking much!!!

Then I heard S. Leave the room for a few moments and I straine my ears, trying to make out what he was doing. To my dismay, I was able to identify the sound of the freezer door and ice cubes clinking. By the time he returned to the bedroom, I was moaning and shaking my head back and forth. He laughed when he saw me and I soon heard him close in front of me. I tried desperately to close my legs to protect my pussy but the spreader bar kept me stretched wide open and S. wasted no time in pressing the ice cube directly into my clit, making me gasp and moan. I tried to sway my hips away from him but the bedframe prevented it, and he pushed the ice deeper until my lips closed around it and it was stuck in place.

At this point, I was very close to my breaking point and I knew it: my ass was on fire, my knees ached, my shoulders and wrists were strained from my yanking desperately on my restraints, my nipples were sending unbelievable waves of pain through my body and the ice was causing an intense freezing, burning sensation in my clit that was almost too much to bear.

S. then picked up the whip and started once more to lash my tortured breasts. I was crying out with each impact as both the area of the lash hurt like crazy and my nipples that were being jerked around with the clamps and chain connecting them swinging around from my convulsions were too much to bear. It was at that point that I broke, and the next time S. paused and asked me if I was ready to submit yet, I hung my head and nodded.

It took several deep breaths before I could force myself to say the hated word: "M...M...Master," I finally managed in a croak.

"Louder!" he commanded.

"M...Master!" I repeated obediently in a louder tone, submitting completely to his will, unable to hold out any more.

This finally satisfied S. and he removed the nipple clamps, causing a fresh wave of pain as the blood rushed back into my abused flesh and I collapsed onto my hands and knees as soon as he disconnected the restraints from the footboard. S. moved around me removing all four cuffs, the blindfold, and finally taking out the anal plug. He then helped me to my feet and guided me to the bed.

I was deeply in subspace at this point and curled up in the bed with his arms around me in a somewhat catatonic state. S. held me gently and patted my cheek and hair, telling me how much he loved me. It took a while for me to be able to even open my eyes, or respond to him in any way. He kept telling me he loved me, but all I could manage back was to nod my head against his chest.

Finally, after a long time had passed, and my shaking had stopped, I felt a bit better and was just floating in S.'s arms. This is my favorite part: I feel so loved and cherished and cared for in those moments. S. is always so kind and gentle and I would do just about anything in the world for him right then. So, when I heard him say once more: "I love you!" I curled the corner of my lips into a small smile and clung tighter to his chest and whispered back:

"I love you too, Master!"

The Master

The following post is written by S., my darling Dom while I was at work today: It will give you a perspective into his devilish mind. Enjoy!

Jade



         Today, I will be submitting my ideas and thoughts regarding the event that I orchestrated for my dirty slave. It has been known that my slave has been blogging about our daily events on a regular basis. Well, she is at work right now, so I believe it is time for me to write on her blog for once. I mean the Doms and Subs have a right to see my point of view too, Right?  A countless number of Jade's experiences have been posted after each scenario that I developed. And today I will give the reader a sneak peak into my mind.

         My slave is driving to work right now. I was nice enough to send her to work today with wet panties. I have also left quite a few welts on her ass to claim my territory over the past few days. So as she drives right now, she has to contend with a sore ass from the whip and a wet pussy that is dripping onto her panties. I hope she truly enjoys helping out her clients and coworkers, as her damp panties begin to press deeply into her wet pussy. Her ass emitting a dull pain that sparks the fear of her master waiting at home with different scenarios juggling inside my head for my dirty slave.

          This isn't my blog so I won't dabble into my past and reveal everything about my perspective of each event with my slave, but I figured I would go over my hot and cold scenario with the double bullet toy that I put my slave through yesterday. My mind is quite strange if I might be frank, when it comes to putting together each scenario. I don't go onto websites nor do I talk to other Doms and Subs in relationships to gain creative ways to tease and discipline my slave. Instead, I can just be walking along, and suddenly an event will pop in my head randomly. I don't put very much advance thought into my scenarios. I just let them flow into my head whenever they want. I believe that is the style that works best for my mind, and it suits me and Jade.

         I've always been fascinated with placing my slave in each scenario that is conjured into my head, such as, hot and cold scene I put her through yesterday. Obviously, this isn't anything unique in retrospect, a mere children's game that can serve (I.E. "Marco Polo"). My job is to find a way to transform these games into something especially for my slave. So that's how I came up with Hot and Cold game idea. The double bullets with the remote was perfect to do the job!

         I baited each room with a few toys for my slave as she bathed in peace, unaware of my actions. A rush of ecstasy burst into my body as I planted each toy, imagining her blindfolded and on her hands and knees, attempting to locate each one. But I had to be mindful at the same time: some of the toys are hard to find due to their shape and size so I placed beacons on a few toys such as using my shirt with the vibrator, or else used verbal commands to give her a hint of what to look for in each room. My scenarios require my slave to submt her body to me as each toy tests her endurance with either pain with pleasure. If it is a plug. I set up a condition for insertion until she finds the next toy. If it is a dildo or wand, I set up a condition for a time limit. This is depending if the vibrators have buttons to control each level of stimulation. So I simply just divide the time into intervals for each level of stimulation.

         Watching Jade at the end of the scenario is the greatest ecstasy, whether I'm fucking her deeply in the ass, pussy or mouth. I love making her dirty as my cum fills her up or drips off her breasts and runs down her pussy. Some of the gags we use cause her to drool copiously until a puddle is formed below her on the ground. I love making her my dirty slave and my scenarios are designed to make her be dirty every night.

         Now for a sneak preview that Jade doesn't know about yet: Tonight will be fun: Jade and I are heading to a restaurant with some friends to eat and socialize, but my slave won't be in her normal condition. I have decided to place the bondage rope on her under her clothes, in the same harness I put on her the other night. She will have to bear the feeling of it tightening around her and biting into her tender areas as she moves and adjusts to sitting tonight. Her friends will have no clue what is going on and what will they think as they hug each other tonight for old time sakes and feel the harness I have placed on her under her clothes? She will surely be mortified! This will be an interesting evening out for both of us!

I've also planned to plant my slave on her knees, with the spreader bar forcing her legs apart, on the floor at the end of the bed as her hands are tied to the bed posts. Her body will form an X pattern as I bite, lick and suck against her nipples to make them sensitive and then use the whip against her breasts for the first time. I'll make sure her mouth is full of my cock as I become hard and prepare to pound against her pussy tonight as she remains helplessly tied against the end of the foot-board. This will be a lovely night for my slave!

Evil "S" word :(

This is an entry from my diary that I wrote one night prior to S. and me meeting in person for the first time. We were talking on Skype, and he had brought up the words "Master" and "slave" (convulsive shudder. Which shall henceforth be known as "The dreaded "M" word" and "The evil "s" word".) He proceeded to push them until I couldn't breathe or think straight. 

I honestly have no idea why this is such an issue for me but it just is. See my earlier post on Titles.  I'd do just about anything to avoid saying either word! 

(I'll be writing a post later about what happened when S. decided that I WAS going to call him "M..." one night, no matter what it took.)

Dear Diary,

Where even to begin? Umm this entry is going to be a challenge to compose because I’m not even sure I want to/am capable of exploring this topic with myself. So how to start? Sigh. I know where to start. I just don’t want to. I’m procrastinating and I know it. Err if S. reads this he’s gonna think I’m nuts. Bleh can’t think of that. If I think of him reading it I’ll never type it.But I never have to show it to him or anyone else for that matter.

Yeah… then why am I so scared?

* Deep breaths *

I really am scared…

slave…

There, I said it. (wincing) Errr. So yeah here’s the part where my mind goes blank. Which is completely ridiculous considering that I’ve been reading about this stuff for years. So why can’t I talk about it?

Okay let’s try sticking to facts with no emotions and move on up from there. If I approach it scientifically, it won't be so hard to talk about. What is a slave in BDSM? Well a Master-slave relationship within BDSM is where one person gives up their free will and control completely to the other. And I do mean completely. Over everything. Every single aspect of their lives. Yeow. I find the concept both completely absolutely fascinating and terrifying. Both deliciously attractive and abhorrent at once.

I don’t think S. meant that when he called me "slave" on Skype last night. In fact I know he didn’t. He meant it as a scenario, a way to have fun with me. But wow…

When he said that word

slave

My heart stopped. I literally stopped breathing. I couldn’t remember how to blink, breathe, anything. I just lay there, completely frozen. My entire gut contracted into a knot of sheer panic. And yet, if I’m being completely honest with my diary (with myself that is), I think there was a tiny bit of exhilaration just at the fringes of my consciousness.

S. clearly had NO idea what I was feeling or how badly I was flipping out so he kept right on talking about it. If he’d seen me in person he’d have known. But over Skype he couldn’t tell. I just got completely quiet. He did ask at one point if I was holding my breath. And I was finally able to get out: No, I’m trying to remember how to breathe!!!

Christ I can’t even recall large portions of last night. I think I may literally have blanked out certain parts. I know it all started because he wanted me to call him the dreaded M... word. (Big time wince). When he said that, my teeth clenched, my fingers balled into fists and I scowled. He probably would have laughed if he’d been able to see me. I probably looked very fierce. I don’t remember details very well after that, because that’s when he brought up me being his slave and I almost immediately started to shut down into a non-verbal pit of swirling emotions.

I remember S. saying things like:

“The tag on your collar will say ‘S's Slave’.”

“You want to be a good slave and please your Master, don’t you?”

“You’re my slave, aren’t you, Jade? You belong to me.”

All in THAT tone of voice…

He kept trying to get me to respond but I literally, genuinely could NOT speak. I mean I tried. I genuinely did. Several times, he seemed to want and really expect some form of response from me. So I’d force some semi coherent thought into my head and open my mouth and try, but nothing would come out. My voice was just frozen. If I tried to push it, all that would come out was a whimper or a whine. It was ridiculous. I guess I know now that “speechless” isn’t just an expression. I was quite literally speechless. Jesus how weird!!!!

After a while, when he kept pushing, I just gave up on attempting to talk at all and lay there. I wanted my teddy bear so badly but couldn’t seem to move, not even enough to reach for him. Then I started to shake. Even my breath shook! I don’t know what the hell was going on in my body but it was crazy. Within 15 minutes of him bringing up the topic, I was frozen, speechless, and literally shaking. >_<

So umm why did I react that way? Can I even begin to analyze it beyond saying it’s a big, BIG button? Let’s try…

Okay starting at the beginning, I’ve always been totally fascinated by slave movies. I remember watching Spartacus as a child and just being totally enthralled. The concept of one human being having complete and total dominance over another just blew me away. And it aroused me, long before I even knew what arousal was. I remember tying up my barbies (rofl) and playing slave games with them.

But what S. was talking about and what BDSM refers to as Master-slave relationships isn’t some movie or child’s dream. It can be absolutely real and some people live that way 24/7. Voluntarily… Crazy!!!

Okay so I can come out and say it: I don’t want that! I have zero desire to just completely give myself up to another at that extreme level. I want to have my job and my friends and live a vanilla life outside the bedroom mostly. I want to play hard when I’m in the bedroom and experiment with all sorts of wild stuff that would make most people turn white lol. But I don’t want to completely give up all my independence to another every second of every day.

Okay so that’s what I don’t want. But what about what I DO want?

That, my friend, is much harder to admit to.

Okay I’ll admit it. I’ve always wanted to find that one person that I could call “Master”. Even though the thought makes me want to scream and cry and run away. Even though I’m not sure I’ll be able to spit out the word from between my tightly clenched teeth the first few times. I still want it. Or a part of me does. Somehow using that word just equals total subservience to me, which makes it so incredibly hard to say and yet so completely enthralling. I’d say S. wants me to use it too. He seemed to be really enjoying it last night. And he told me today that, at some point, he WILL get me to say it. When he uses that tone, I have no doubt he means exactly what he says. >_<

And what about being called “slave”? It’s the most debasing word I could imagine.

It. Just. Hurts. To. Hear.

And yet a part of me wants that.

Yes.

There, I said it.

Even though the mere word made my whole body shake last night, I want it.

Something inside me smiled when he said the tag on my collar would say “S.’s slave” even while I cringed and fell apart emotionally.

So yeah, there it is. Wow I actually managed to type something somewhat coherent about this topic, I’m kind of amazed. And I also managed to be honest with myself about my feelings. I do want it  >_<  (ohhhh boy be careful what you ask for, girl). But it’s gonna take one hell of a lot of work to get there. Right now I’m at the point where I didn’t even acquiesce to saying the M... word when I was in a near catatonic state. Even then, all my limp muscles contracted as soon as he told me to and a flat “no!” came out of my mouth. I didn’t even mean to say it. It just happened. S. was astonished by my level of resistance, even in the state I was in!

So how do I get from here to where he (okay and some part of me too since I’m being honest) wants me to be? Ah well lol I have NO freaking clue. It’s going to take a lot of time and breaking down of my will and pride to get there. I think it will take a lot of both pushing me very very hard, and great kindness and gentleness. I would never willingly use that term for someone I didn’t love and respect deeply in addition to obeying. It will be a journey I guess. That one isn’t going to happen overnight. But that’s okay. It will give us both something to look forward to (or run away screaming like a raving lunatic from in my case, lol).

Titles....ewww!!!

Okay so now I've reached the point in my blog where I can't proceed without discussing titles. Which is sad for me because titles are NOT my favorite subject! lol

I've read enough blogs and websites to know the "proper" way to write things. I know the rules, for example, about capitalizing anything that has to do with the capital D Dominant and using small letters for anything that has to do with the submissive. I know that most bloggers who are subs refer to their Doms as "Sir" or "Master". But umm yeah this is where I run into trouble.

So yeah let's get this out there now: I have a hard time with titles. They make me squirm and wince and sigh and moan and groan and getting the dreaded M... word past my lips is next to impossible! (Yet...I'd better not make that sound like it's set in stone because my beloved Dom has other ideas on the topic and I learned the hard way this summer that he means business...but again that's a topic for another post!)

Anyway, for the time being at least, I hope you, dear reader, shall forgive me for taking some liberties when I discuss my partner in this journey into kink. For now, at least, I'm going to completely bypass the evil M... word and equally repugnant s... word that goes along with it. Even the idea of typing them makes me shudder lol. Although my Dom seems to enjoy calling me "sla...." yeah you get the picture. Excuse me while I go hide under the bed for a while now lol.

I do know that the terms Dom and sub are general and that it's considered respectful of one's Dom to use a title in the BDSM community but I plead newbie status and assure you all that I mean no disrespect! Titles are just a hangup of mine at the moment so it will be something to work toward in the future. (And I can assure you that my beloved Dom has plans to do so)

In the meantime, I'll be using "S" to refer to my sweet Dom. :)