Calling Him "Master"

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I have a hard time with titles like "Sir" and especially "Master". I wrote about it in several posts including this one: Titles...ewww! But S. greatly enjoys calling me "slave" and his mission in life is to have me call him "Master" all the time.

To date, I have only ever uttered the dreaded M... word once. And it was this summer when he kept whipping me until I finally broke (I need to write a post on that but haven't gotten to it yet). By the time he was done, my ass was on fire and I simply couldn't hold out any more so I wound up whispering the word in submission. But I haven't come remotely close to saying it since despite S. trying to get me to say it from time to time.

However, I knew that my stubbornness in this matter wasn't going to last on this trip as S. had promised me I WOULD call him "Master" again before the end of the trip. So here we were on the last night, and I knew what was coming although I couldn't anticipate the exact format it would take. All I knew is that I was determined not to say that word and that S. was equally determined to get me to say it. And unfortunately for me, since S. is the Dom, I knew I was probably going to be put through a lot of pain before the night was out, until I finally broke and said it again.

And so it began...

S. placed me on my knees on the bed, with my legs spread and then attached wrist and ankle cuffs. He connected each wrist to the corresponding ankle so that my ass was high in the air and I couldn't move to protect myself in any way. I squirmed a bit, but quickly stopped, because in that position, all squirming accomplishes is making my legs slide farther apart, making me even more vulnerable to whatever S. might choose to do.

To my surprise, S. attached the bit gag to me. But he explained as he did: "I am going to keep this gag on you until you are ready to call me Master." I groaned through the gag and buried my face on the mattress. S. grabbed my hair and yanked my hair so my head was forced up and back and told me that he would keep going until I called him Master tonight.

S. then slid off the bed and I could hear him rummaging in the toy box. He pulled something out, and I soon heard a vibrator and felt him push the head of it against my pussy. I jumped and groaned in pleasure as he pushed it deeply into my pussy until it was lodged there, and left it there on high. I heard him returning to the toy box once more. I was pretty sure that he was getting the flicker whip: The one that hurts like crazy and leaves welts everywhere and sure enough, I soon heard a whistling sound through the air and the first crack hit my right cheek. I jumped and groaned in pain, curling my fingers and toes to try to steel myself for the next impact.

S. continued to work on my ass with the whip, alternating cheeks and making me gasp and moan in pain. Occasionally, he would stop and come over to my head and pull my hair until he could see my face and demand whether I was ready to submit yet. Each time, I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head in denial. And he would resume the whipping. It was a crazy sensation with the vibrator in my pussy because each time the lash hit my sensitive skin, I would convulse and involuntarily clench all my muscles, including my internal ones, causing a wave of pleasure inside my pussy at the same time as the sharp pain from the crack of the whip. The simultaneous pleasure and pain was making me crazy!

About halfway through this, S. stopped and rummaged in the toy box again. I wondered what was in store for me now, and I soon heard the dreaded sound of lube being squeezed out and I knew what was coming next. Sure enough, I felt his fingers invading my anus and I moaned and tried to squirm away, only succeeding in spreading my legs even farther apart. Before I could recover, S. pushed the largest plug all the way in, making me moan loudly. Then he resumed the whipping, pausing from time to time to press against the plug and shove it in even more deeply. Because I still had the vibrator inside me, both the plug and the vibrator rubbed against one another, causing the vibrations to invade my anus as well and I writhed from the sensations of pain, pleasure and fullness that I was helpless to stop.

My ass was on fire by the time S. was finished, but I still refused to utter the dreaded M.. word. I honestly cannot explain this very well, other than to say that there is something in me that just balks at the idea of calling anyone that. And, even if I'm in significant pain, it's extremely difficult for me to even contemplate uttering that word. I guess S. decided that it was time to change tactics because he removed the vibrator, leaving the plug inside me, disconnected my wrists from my ankles, and ordered me off the bed. I complied shakily and followed him to the foot of the bed.

"Kneel!" he commanded me, and I dropped to my knees once more, my body shaking from the abuse it had already taken. S. then proceeded to attach my ankle restraints to the spreader bar so my knees were spread far apart and then attached my wrist cuffs to the bedframe on either side so my arms were spread wide, turning me into a giant X, and unable to move in any direction.

At this point, my knees were really starting to hurt, my ass was killing me, The anal plug had been in for quite a while by now, and my anus was really starting to ache, and I was shaking quite a bit. My head was spinning too, so when S. approached me with the blindfold, I shook my head back and forth, trying to escape it. But of course, I couldn't, and I was soon engulfed in darkness, unable to anticipate what would come next. I chewed fretfully on the bit gag and tried to regain some composure, but I could feel myself slipping further into subspace.

S. made me wait for a few seconds, and then I heard the sound of the whip whistling through the air. I tried desperately to bring my arms together to protect myself and to huddle forward but the restraints prevented me from doing so and I took the full impact of the lash directly across my breasts. I cried out in pain and my body shook. Before I could even breathe again, S. hit me again, catching me directly on the left breast and making me gasp in agony. He kept this up for a while until my entire body was shaking from head to toe and then he paused to ask whether I was ready to submit and call him "Master" yet. The pain all over my body was intense, but something within me just refused to break and I shook my head in defiance, while dreading the continued punishment that would follow.

S. reached behind my head and removed my gag, causing drool to drip down my chest and told me that he would just continue with the whipping and I could submit and call him Master any time I was ready. He then returned to the toy box and I heard the sound I had been fearing the most: The metal clink of the nipple clamps. I hate the clamps! They are excruciatingly painful!!!! The bite of them against my sensitive nipples is nearly unbearable under normal circumstances and the thought of having to endure them now that my breasts were inflamed and swollen from the whipping was nearly too much to bear.

S. came over to me and I felt his hand tease my left nipple, making it harden, and then he attached the metal clamp directly onto it. I couldn't help the loud "OWWWWWWWWWWW!" that escaped my lips as the pain made me break out in goosebumps and convulse against the restraints. Seconds later, I felt him repeating the process with my right nipple and I another "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" issued from me as that clamp bit deeply into my delicate flesh. At this point, I think I was crying. It just hurt so freaking much!!!

Then I heard S. Leave the room for a few moments and I straine my ears, trying to make out what he was doing. To my dismay, I was able to identify the sound of the freezer door and ice cubes clinking. By the time he returned to the bedroom, I was moaning and shaking my head back and forth. He laughed when he saw me and I soon heard him close in front of me. I tried desperately to close my legs to protect my pussy but the spreader bar kept me stretched wide open and S. wasted no time in pressing the ice cube directly into my clit, making me gasp and moan. I tried to sway my hips away from him but the bedframe prevented it, and he pushed the ice deeper until my lips closed around it and it was stuck in place.

At this point, I was very close to my breaking point and I knew it: my ass was on fire, my knees ached, my shoulders and wrists were strained from my yanking desperately on my restraints, my nipples were sending unbelievable waves of pain through my body and the ice was causing an intense freezing, burning sensation in my clit that was almost too much to bear.

S. then picked up the whip and started once more to lash my tortured breasts. I was crying out with each impact as both the area of the lash hurt like crazy and my nipples that were being jerked around with the clamps and chain connecting them swinging around from my convulsions were too much to bear. It was at that point that I broke, and the next time S. paused and asked me if I was ready to submit yet, I hung my head and nodded.

It took several deep breaths before I could force myself to say the hated word: "M...M...Master," I finally managed in a croak.

"Louder!" he commanded.

"M...Master!" I repeated obediently in a louder tone, submitting completely to his will, unable to hold out any more.

This finally satisfied S. and he removed the nipple clamps, causing a fresh wave of pain as the blood rushed back into my abused flesh and I collapsed onto my hands and knees as soon as he disconnected the restraints from the footboard. S. moved around me removing all four cuffs, the blindfold, and finally taking out the anal plug. He then helped me to my feet and guided me to the bed.

I was deeply in subspace at this point and curled up in the bed with his arms around me in a somewhat catatonic state. S. held me gently and patted my cheek and hair, telling me how much he loved me. It took a while for me to be able to even open my eyes, or respond to him in any way. He kept telling me he loved me, but all I could manage back was to nod my head against his chest.

Finally, after a long time had passed, and my shaking had stopped, I felt a bit better and was just floating in S.'s arms. This is my favorite part: I feel so loved and cherished and cared for in those moments. S. is always so kind and gentle and I would do just about anything in the world for him right then. So, when I heard him say once more: "I love you!" I curled the corner of my lips into a small smile and clung tighter to his chest and whispered back:

"I love you too, Master!"

Spread Wide

This is another update regarding what happened over the past few days while S. was here. Sorry about putting up so many posts all at once, I'm just now catching up! When you read about the last few days, I'm sure you'll understand why: S. kept me VERY busy, lol.

In the last post, I told you all about dinner with the Japanese rope harness, and how I wound up sore and rubbed raw. You might think that was sufficient for one day! But, apparently, S. had other plans for me...

He had been wanting to try a new position for a while now, and so after I had soaked in the tub for a long while and eased some of the pain from the rope harness, he decided it was time to try it out!

S. started by having me kneel at the foot of my bed. Before I continue, I should explain that I have a very nice bedframe: It's an oak wood frame, with scrolled wrought iron throughout the entire center of the head and foot boards. The wrought iron makes a perfect place to attach restraints in any number of different ways (which, I will freely admit, is precisely why I purchased it! Hehe).

Anyhow, S. then put the leather wrist and ankle cuffs on me and attached the spreader bar to my ankles so I was forced to kneel with my legs spread wide. He then brought my arms up and over the back of the footboard so my shoulders were pulled upward and my arms spread completely to either side and attached the wrist restraints to the footboard from the back. That caused me to arch my back and be unable to move at all in any direction.

I was already feeling pretty vulnerable from wearing the rope harness all night and now being spread wide in this position, and that's when he added the blindfold. Not being able to see, just heightens every sensation and makes everything so much more intense because I can't anticipate anything that is going to happen to me!

Then the fun began and I felt S.'s tongue and mouth on my nipples, exploring and teasing them until I was panting. He always teases me that all he has to do is "press" my nipples, and it dispenses moisture from my pussy. So he enjoyed inserting a finger between my legs to test how wet I was and calling me his "dirty, wet mess."

Then I heard him go to the toybox and return, and the next thing I felt was a vibrator on full power on my clit. I jumped as I hadn't been prepared for the sensation, and it caused a simultaneous wave of pleasure and pain (due to my clit having been rubbed raw by the bondage rope during dinner). S. then inserted the vibrator as deeply into my pussy as he could, making me groan in pain and ecstasy and continued to toy with my nipples while I writhed against the restraints.

After a while, he moved away from me, and I heard him leave the bedroom, but I couldn't tell what he was doing. When he returned, I heard him bend down in front of me and then a shock traveled through my body as he brought an ice cube directly against one of my nipples. I moaned and tried to squirm away, but couldn't. He repeated this with the other nipple until both were completely erect.

Then he did something I had not anticipated: He reached down and held the ice cube directly against my clit! I thought I would jump out of my skin when he did this!!! I have never felt anything so cold in my life!!! I pulled helplessly against the wrist restraints and tried desperately to close my legs, but the spreader bar held them wide apart. I swayed my hips from side to side, in an attempt to escape the freezing ice, but to no avail. Then something happened that absolutely delighted S. and horrified me: He pushed the ice deeper into my clit until the lips closed around it and when he took his fingers away, the cube STAYED there on it's own! He was thrilled! But I thought I was going to go out of my mind! The freezing sensation was so intense by this point that it felt like burning and I yanked repeatedly on my cuffs to try to get away.

S. was so thrilled by this development, he decided that it would be a grand idea to try the whip out on my breasts for the very first time while I was distracted by the burning in my pussy. Since I was still blindfolded, and completely preoccupied by my clit area, I didn't even hear him go to the toybox again, and the first lash that landed directly on my left breast, made me jump and convulse in pain so hard, I'm amazed I didn't break the footboard! I'd never experienced any type of breast torture before other than the recent very brief application of the nipple clamps and the stinging in such a sensitive area was insane.

S. quickly followed the first lash up with a series of others, creating welts on each breast and on the skin between them. I writhed and moaned constantly throughout, my awareness leaping between the freezing, burning sensation in my clit, and the fiery streaks of pain on my breasts. My legs were trembling as they struggled to keep me upright, and my shoulders screamed at me as each new lash of the whip caused me to throw myself forward and backwards against the restraints, straining all of my muscles.

Once S. was satisfied with the pattern he created across my torso, he bent down to check the ice, and pushed the remainder even deeper into my pussy. At this point, I was shaking and moaning uncontrollably. He kept his hand like that for a few moments, and then finally took pity on me and removed it. He then moved around me, removing first my wrist and then my ankle cuffs. As soon as the wrist restraints were off, I collapsed forward, with my head on the floor, and my body curled as close together as I could manage while still attached to the spreader bar. S. finally removed the ankle cuffs, and took off the blindfold. But I was too disoriented to keep my eyes open. I just stayed on the floor, in a fetal position, panting and trembling.

And then I felt a tap on my shoulder: "Up!" he commanded. I struggled to obey, and with S.'s help, I made it to my feet. I couldn't do anything but press my head into his chest and cling to him at this point. He gently guided me to the bed and helped me into it. He covered me and curled up beside me, holding me gently and reassuring me that he was there and that he loved me. As always, when I am deep in subspace, time is meaningless and I floated there for a while until I slowly began to regain control of my senses. S. always takes exquisite care of me after he is done playing, and he remained by my side, caressing and talking to me softly until I was finally able to respond and move around normally again.

After that, I went to clean up in the bathroom. It was very strange to see the welt marks on my breasts as I've only ever had welts on my ass before and have had to look into a mirror to see them. Being able to just look down and see and these welts was strange and delightful. It made me smile to know that S. had definitively claimed another area of my body as his.

The Game

I'm still reeling from this evening. I've never experienced anything like it. So I'll do my best to describe it all. Not sure if I can begin to do it justice though. I'll try...

Today, I had to go to work all day. It sucked to leave S. at my house in the morning. I told him he should help himself to anything and rest. Of course, as always, he had his own ideas, and while I was working, I got a series of text messages from him informing me that he was taking care of my pet, sweeping the steps and path clear from snow, salting the path, doing my dishes, hunting for my mop, etc.      

After work, I went straight home, and it was wonderful to come home to S.! :) What a treat to walk in the door and into his arms!!! We talked and snuggled for a while on the couch, talking about our days, and then I went to take a bath. S. told me that he had an "Event" prepared for me after my bath and that I shouldn't bother putting my clothes back on once I was finished. Needless to say, I spent most of my bath, wondering and worrying about what in the world S. had planned for me. My imagination was running pretty wild!!!

When I finished, I dried myself off, and then opened the door and stood there, clutching my towel against myself for some measure of reassurance, and feeling great trepidation about what might be about to happen. S. immediately approached the door with a blindfold in hand and placed it over my eyes. Have you ever been blindfolded when wet and naked? Talk about feeling vulnerable!!! I stood there. now blind, still holding my towel tightly against me, and listened as S. walked away from and then came back.

He commanded me to open my mouth, and I felt the pacifier gag (the one that makes me drool uncontrollably) pushed deep into my mouth. He fastened it tightly and then told me to turn around. I obeyed and felt a leather collar pulled tight and buckled around my neck, followed by a leash being clipped to it.

S. then spun me back around and told me: "Get on your hands and knees. I dropped my towel, and hesitated for a moment, but he put his hands on my shoulders, and pushed me toward the floor so I submitted and dropped to all fours. I felt him step behind me into the bathroom and bend down. He began speaking:

"Here are the rules, slave. We are going to play a little game. I've hidden some of your toys around various parts of the house. Your job is to find them. I am going to insert a vibrating bullet and use the controller to indicate whether you are hot or cold when you are searching for each toy. The lowest setting means cold, medium means you are getting warmer, and high means you are very close to a toy. But here's the catch: Once you find the toy, I will use it on you until you find the next toy."

I remained there, on all fours, swaying slightly, trying to take all of this in. "Do you understand, slave?" S. demanded. I nodded and grunted "Uh-huh" through the pacifier gag, already trying hard not to drool. Next thing I knew, S. barked "Spread your legs, slave!" at me and I tried to comply by spreading my legs farther apart. But apparently it wasn't sufficient because I almost immediately felt his hands pushing my knees even farther apart. Then I felt his fingers pushing a bullet vibrator deep into my pussy. He paused,before and after inserting it, to tease my clit with his fingers and I gasped and tried not to close my legs. then I heard something I couldn't identify and next thing I knew, his finger was in my ass, spreading lube inside me. I groaned and tried to move away, but got pulled up short by the leash. Before I could process what was happening, S. slipped the second bullet from my double bullet vibrator into my ass. Having just experienced vibration in my ass for the first time yesterday, I knew it was going to drive me completely crazy.

Once S. finished inserting both bullets, he stood up and I pulled my legs in to a more comfortable position, my knees already starting to ache a bit against the hard tile bathroom floor. "Okay, let's start this on low" announced S. and he turned on the bullets, causing me to jump as a steady low vibration filled both my pussy and my anus. "Let's go slave!" I felt the crop tap against my bare ass, and I unsteadily moved forward on all fours, blind and gagged, leashed and with the vibrating bullets deep inside me. I moved slowly, already disoriented, and feeling tentatively in front of me with my hands as I progressed. Before long, I felt the vibration in my anus and pussy increase and I knew I must be getting warmer. I made a guess as to the direction I should go and started to turn toward where I thought the living room was, but I was immediately pulled up short by the leash and the vibration slowed again. So I turned back to my original path along the hallway, feeling completely helpless and humiliated to be controlled by a combination of a leash and vibrations in my most private parts.

A few more feet and the vibrations inside me turned to high, and I knew I must be close. I had no idea what toy I was near or whether it was on the floor or somewhere else. Plus, I was finding it difficult to focus with the vibrator on the high setting. I reached out tentatively with one hand and felt around me. Soon my fingers encountered something on the floor and I let my fingers explore it. It only took a few seconds and I immediately emitted a muffled groan through my gag: I had felt metal and a metal chain. Without a doubt, I knew these were the dreaded and very painful nipple clamps. And according to S.'s rules, I knew that he was about to use them on me.

S. heard my muffled groan and said: "What's the problem, slave? If you didn't want me to use them against you, then you shouldn't have found them!" He turned the vibrating bullets off and ordered me to kneel. He then teased each nipple until it was hard by sucking on it and then attached the clamps. They HURT!!!! And I wasn't even moving yet! :( I was just dreading what would happen when I started to crawl with them on!!! But I also knew it would be to my advantage to do it quickly in order to find the next toy and have the clamps removed. 

Once S. was satisfied that the clamps were tight enough, he took up the leash and remote for the bullets once again and set the vibration to low once again. I was in the hallway but not entirely sure which way I was facing at this point, and unsure of where to move. So I simply started to move forward once again. But I was immediately brought up by a tug on the leash, and a steady pressure on the collar, pulling me toward the right, so I slowly spun until the tugging around my neck stopped. By this point, I was really disoriented and unsure of where I was or what to do next. My nipples were aching pretty badly and the low grade vibration in my pussy and anus were distracting me as well. So I hesitated, unmoving. But not for long: I soon felt the crop swing against my ass and I started and moved obediently forward once again, feeling like some sort of pack animal.

I felt myself cross a threshold and knew from the feeling of the rug under my fingers that I was in the living room. I felt the vibrations increase to medium and moved forward slightly more confidently. My nipples were starting to kill me with the chain from the clamps swinging back and forth with each movement and causing more pain. I wanted them off as soon as possible! So I crawled forward, feeling my way until the vibration increased to high. Having learned from my previous experience, I stopped short and began to explore the area around me with my fingers, searching for something that shouldn't be there. It took me a few moments, but my hand eventually encountered some type of fabric. I was confused: I don't have any fabric toys and yet it shouldn't be there on the living room floor. Puzzled, I pulled the fabric closer and felt the drag on it. Something heavier than the fabric was being dragged on it. So I felt around the fabric and my fingers finally closed on a long hard plastic object with a double bulb: One partway along it and the other at the end. I immediately recognized one of my vibrator toys with a secondary bulb for clit stimulation.

"Very good, slave." Now I get to use this on you for 5 minutes before you move on to look for the next toy," S. announced. He bent down and released the nipple clamps. I had expected to feel relief once they were off, but instead the pain doubled as the blood rushed to my abused nipples, causing me to cry out in pain. Before I could recover, S. moved behind me and pulled out the bullet in my pussy, replacing it immediately with the vibrator on full power. I stood there, on all fours, my nipples screaming at me, and tried not to sway as I felt the vibrator inserted deep inside me, the nub stimulating my clit. S. kept varying the positions the toy was in, never giving me a chance to adjust. He called out the minutes as they ticked by: "Three more minutes, two more, one more minute, slave." Before he was done, I came: A small orgasm that nevertheless caused me to gush fluid. The feeling of being blindfolded, gagged and leashed, and unable to control anything that was happening to me, made my head reel. Once the five minutes were up, S. removed the toy and replaced the bullet once more.

"Time to keep going, slave!" He announced. I hesitated again, my head spinning, but moved forward again as soon as he applied the crop to my bare ass. I was now moving across the living room to the other side. I could feel the vibration go from slow to medium and then to high as I altered my course slightly. Knowing I was close, I halted, and started hesitantly to feel around me. I was trying to think what toy I might encounter next. My nipples ached and my pussy tingled. I was having a difficult time focusing. Eventually, my fingers encountered something long and thin and I moaned and shook my head back and forth in denial, having recognized the flicker whip. My ass was already pretty sore from the previous night and I dreaded having to endure a whipping while blindfolded, gagged, leashed, and on all fours.

"That's right. You know what that is," S told me, a smirk in his tone. I waited for the vibrator to at least be turned back off but he left it at full throttle: "the bullets will remain on high until I am done with this next part, he informed me. I hung my head a bit and tried to brace myself for what was to come. A whistling sounded through the air and the first impact hit my already tender right butt check. I moaned through the gag as pain traveled through my body. S. soon followed it with a second to my left cheek. he continued to whip my ass cheeks in turn but without a clear pattern so I couldn't anticipate him: One on the left, two on the right, three on the left, one on the right, etc.

By the time he was done, I was trembling convulsively and wondering how in the world I was going to continue this game of his. My pussy was tingling from having just cum and the sensation of the bullets in my pussy and anus on high. And my ass was on fire, the new welts stinging like crazy. My knees and shoulders ached and I was completely disoriented and pretty close to being in full fledged subspace.

"Turn around, slave," S. commanded me. And I felt the vibrator return to low once again, giving me a blissful break from the constant stimulation. I quickly turned at the tug on the leash, afraid that any hesitation would earn me a slap from the crop on my already painful ass. S. must have sensed that I was fading and becoming more disoriented by this point, because he added some verbal directions as I crawled forward, telling me to return through the doorway and then crawl through into the bedroom. I obeyed, my sore knees protesting and felt the bullets change to medium vibrations as soon as I entered. I moved tentatively to the left, toward the desk, and was rewarded by increased vibes. Once I got right up to the desk, the stimulation was on high once more and I knew I was close. I reached around me, desperate to find whatever it was that was nearby, hoping it might be the final toy I had to find. But I couldn't locate anything around me.

S. took pity on me and told me: "Check the chair, slave. You know where the chair is." So I reached up and did. My fingers followed the legs of the chair to the seat, and there I touched a foreign object: A quick feel informed me that the silicone bulbous shape under my fingers was the largest butt plug. I moaned in despair and felt drool slide down my chin, as I was still unable to swallow from having the pacifier gag inserted and it was now starting to overflow.

S. didn't give me a chance to prepare. He pulled the bullet out of my anus and immediately inserted the large plug, pushing against it to be sure that it was deeply seated. I groaned at the additional pressure on my knees and the sensation of fullness deep into my ass. "You better hurry up and find the next toy then, hadn't you, if you want the plug out," S. taunted me. "You have one more toy to find before the game is over," he informed me. So I turned away from the desk and once again resumed my slow crawl across the floor. I felt my leash being yanked to the left this time so I moved toward the other side of the bedroom and the vibrations, now in my pussy only since the plug had replaced the anal bullet, increase from low to medium, and then to high. The remaining bullet, trailed on the floor, making a tremendous racket as it vibrated against the wood. "Tsk, tsk, what WILL the neighbors think!?" S. taunted me, causing me to push my exhausted body forward even faster.

I searched around desperately for the next and final toy, my fingers sliding over the floorboards until my hand bumped into a large and heavy object. I quickly identified it as the Hitachi wand. I simultaneously felt fear and relief. I was relieved because it wasn't a toy that caused pain, but was also afraid because I had never experienced someone else using the wand on me and my pussy was already so swollen, I thought I might go out of my mind when S. turned it on.

S. commanded me to turn around 180 degrees and guided me with a steady pull on the leash until I was positioned to his satisfaction. Then I heard him sit down behind me. "I'm going to use the wand on you for 7 minutes, he informed me: 3 and a half on low and 3 and a half on high." Seven minutes may not sound like much, but it usually takes me less than two to cum with the Hitachi wand just on the low setting even when I'm not at all aroused to start with. And I pretty much turn it off the instant I start to cum because I can't stand the stimulation once I'm that aroused. I couldn't imagine what 7 minutes with it being pressed into my pussy was going to feel like. My head was spinning and I panted through the gag.

S. commanded me to spread my legs once more and I struggled to comply. My knees were killing me by now and my entire body was still trembling from the earlier whipping. I felt as if none of my joints had any strength left in them. My ass was on fire, the welts stinging fiercely, my nipples still ached dully and I had drool dripping down my chin. I was prevented from moving my neck freely by the restricting leather collar and leash, and I was already halfway to subspace. I had never felt so vulnerable, exposed or helpless in my life.

I pushed my protesting body to assume the position S. had commanded and tried to brace myself for the Hitachi wand. I have a head attachment on it that allows one part to be inserted deeply, while the main head remains against the clit, stimulating it directly. I felt S. push the attachment into my pussy and shove it in as deeply as it would go. He then adjusted the head of the wand so it was directly against my clit and turned it on low. "Three and a half minutes," he said.

As the powerful vibrations began, I nearly lost it and pulled my legs closed, but I somehow managed to remain in position. The sensation was crazy. To have that level of stimulation being wielded against me by someone else when my body and mind were already completely spent was insane. I was completely defenseless and I simply gave myself over to the stimulation. I tried hanging my head and arching my back upward to steady myself a bit, but S. immediately grabbed my long pony tail and yanked my head all the way back so my pussy was even more exposed and I had no way to brace myself at all.

At this point, I lost all control and a river of drool pooled down my chin continuously as I began to cum hard. Usually I would have immediately turned off the wand, but that wasn't going to happen tonight. Instead, my now aching clit and pussy continued to be assaulted by the powerful vibrations of the wand and I moaned, groaned, whimpered, and writhed, as much as the gag would allow. S. continually moved the head of the wand around, preventing numbness from setting in, or allowing me to become accustomed to any particular stimulation.

"Now three and a half minutes on high," he announced. I had expected him to turn the wand off and then switch it on high, giving me a chance to brace myself. But, instead, he immediately switched it onto the most powerful level making me gasp and pant. At this point, I think I was pretty much cumming continuously, unable to stop. My entire body shook as the waves took over my body and I just tried to endure until the time was up. I could hear the drool rushing down my chin as I salivated helplessly and the drops land in a puddle on the floor before me. It was humiliating to know that I was gushing from both ends and completely unable to stop myself.

Finally, S. turned off the wand and let go of my hair and I hung my head, completely spent, tremors shaking my entire body. It's over, I thought to myself. I did it. Thank God! But little did I know, S. had one more thing in store for me. I heard him move around to the front of me and he removed first the collar and leash, and then the ball gag. "Wow, look at that puddle of drool on the floor," he mocked me, "you are a dirty slave!" I moaned and tried turn my head away, but as I was still blindfolded, I wasn't sure where away was.

I expected S. to remove the blindfold next and tell me it was over, but instead he commanded me to kneel up. I pushed my aching, trembling body upward and complied. I could feel him standing very close in front of me, and as he removed the pacifier gag, he snapped "Keep your mouth open" before I had a chance to rest my aching jaws. I obeyed, now getting some idea about what he was up to, and immediately felt his cock inserted into my mouth. "Suck, slave!" he commanded me. I steadied myself by holding onto S's hips as I complied, sucking hard on his cock which immediately grew enormous, filling my mouth completely.

I continued to suck and use my tongue, alternating the two sensations I know please him the most, until he grabbed my head and pulled my face back and forth, face fucking me. I tried hard not to gag (I have a very sensitive gag reflex) and continued to try to please him as he thrust more and more deeply into my mouth. Finally, when I thought I wouldn't be able to keep my jaws open another second, he withdrew himself from my mouth and came explosively over my chest and belly. I have never felt so much cum in my life! I was still blindfolded, and it felt as if three men were cumming on me at once! Every time I thought he must be done, another load of hot cum hit my chest, dripping down me.

Finally, S. expended his load, and stood there, panting, with me kneeling before him, cum and drool dripping freely from my body, trembling from head to toe. He reached down and removed the blindfold at long last and I blinked up at him briefly before shutting my eyes again. I was deep in subspace and unable to handle any more stimulation.

"You can stand up now...if you can," S. told me, as I knelt at his feet, swaying and shaking helplessly. I staggered to my feet and stood there completely disoriented and unable to keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time. S. seemed to realize my condition and he led me gently to the bathroom and helped me into the tub, running the hot water high to fill the tub up fast. All I could do was sit there and shake. I'm not exactly sure what happened after that. I remember him asking me something about what kind of soap I preferred but I was completely unable to speak or even process the question, so he must have chosen one for me. I remember the feeling of a washcloth on my skin, gently washing me all over. I remember the trembling slowly abating. I kept leaning toward the outside of the tub, wanting to be close to him. After a bit, S. sat on the edge of the tub and I was able to press my forehead into his lap while he bathed me. That calmed me down more than anything.

Once he was done cleaning me, S. allowed me to sit in the hot water for some time and I clung to him as he sat on the edge of the tub, with my head in his lap. This felt better than anything: Just being close to him. I felt the trembling slowly abate and then finally stop completely. I opened my eyes for a few seconds at a time, and then more frequently. Eventually, (I have no idea how long), I was able to open my eyes all the way and look up at him. At that moment, I pretty much would have done anything in the world he told me to.

S. was so sweet and he held my face and covered me with gentle kisses and told me I was beautiful and talked to me until I started to come back to myself some more. He then helped me out of the tub and dried me off before leading me back to the bedroom and getting me under the covers with him cuddled beside me. Again, I have no idea how long we were there, but I slowly regained control of my mental and physical faculties and after a while, I was able to talk about the experience and begin to analyze it a little bit. S. continually kissed me and told me he loved me. :)

After quite some time, I was finally able to sit up and told him I was fine to go cook dinner now. So he went off to take his own bath and clean up. I went to the kitchen and made dinner, but I soon realized that I wasn't even close to being back to normal yet. I dropped every other thing I picked up, and when it was time to set the table, it took me several minutes to puzzle out whether I should place spoons or forks at the settings (this shouldn't have been a difficult decision since we were eating soup, but at the time it seemed too complex a question for my exhausted brain to cope with). I felt a deep exhaustion in my joints, and so I asked S. if he would carry the soup out for me because I was frankly afraid that, in my state of disorientation and exhaustion, I would most likely drop it.

S. kindly did bring the bisque to the table for us, and we ate and then watched a movie. But within minutes of the start of the film, I could barely keep my eyes open. S. noticed this and asked if I wanted to put my head on his lap. I said yes please!!! This was exactly what I had been desperately wishing for (isn't he the best Dom in the entire world?) and I was soon cuddled in his lap, with his arms around me. I dozed on and off for the next hour or so, waking periodically as he gently kissed my face. And when I woke up, I felt refreshed and better able to function.

It's now late at night and I need to get to sleep. S. is already in bed beside me, fast asleep, looking completely adorable and heartbreakingly sexy. I long to cuddle beside him and feel his warm skin next to mine. But this experience was so completely overwhelming, I just had to get it out. I've always processed things by writing about them, and this was something I needed to do before I could rest.

My final words before I go sleep beside my beloved Dom are gratitude: I am so very very very grateful to have a partner who cares about me so deeply, who is so creative and thoughtful in planning things for me, who can read me and knows when to push and when to be gentle, and most especially who provides the best aftercare in the world! I am humbled and blessed and eternally grateful for my S. I am completely head over heels in love with him. I hope to spend every minute of the rest of the life with him.

Subspace & Aftercare

The following is another diary entry I wrote a couple of months ago after experiencing subspace for the third time in my life. I wrote a blog about my very first experience with it and how it took both S. and myself completely by surprise!!! You can read about it here: Is This Subspace? 
When I wrote this, I was beginning to see a pattern in how I wound up in subspace, and understand how crucial aftercare, once the scene was over, was for my physical, mental and emotional well-being.

S. has now pushed me to the wall (as he calls it), or into subspace (we’re learning and figuring the terminology out for all of this together) three times. The first, came as a complete shock because I wasn't expecting it to happen and I'd never experienced anything like it in my life. The second was rather unpleasant because, before I got to the good part, I had a full fledged fight or flight response which left me panting, wide eyed, adrenaline rushing through my body, and with a sky high heart rate. It reminded me of having a panic attack and it was really scary. And the third time was tonight.

I’ve been really sick all week with a kidney infection and I guess my defenses are very low at the moment, because from the instant S. started teasing me this morning, I was going completely insane (aided by the fact that I know damn well I can’t touch any of my toys for 10 days, doctor's orders! Argh!!!). I already know just how much he enjoys pushing my buttons, but I guess pushing my buttons when I cannot offer much resistance is particularly enjoyable for him, because S. kept pushing all afternoon and evening until I hit that proverbial wall.

It still startles me how fast that happens. I don’t mean like over time: today he teased and pushed me half the day and the first time was pretty much all day. But when it gets near the end, I’ll be hanging in there, thinking I’m going to be okay and I’m not as far gone as I think, and then BAM! All of a sudden, there’s the wall and I’m just done. Spent. Finished.

Each time it takes me completely by surprise. But S. weirdly seems to be able to read me well enough to predict exactly when it’s about to happen. It’s almost creepy how accurate he can be about stuff, especially when it's something I can barely begin to analyze myself! But then, realistically, he is able to sit there and rationally analyze patterns, while I have to expend all my energy fighting my own mind and body.

Anyway I need to do more reading because I’m not sure whether that is really exactly what people refer to as “subspace”. Or if it’s different. I’m not sure of anything! It’s some space that ain’t my normal space for sure though lol. Man this diary entry is a mess. Ah well. It’s all so difficult to explain and put into words. When I hit that wall, I just kind of let go. Of everything. Of all control. I give up. Or give myself up to him. In that state I’m super vulnerable. I’m not really myself. I’m almost numb at that point. I’m no longer dripping, in pain, or going crazy with feeling horny, I’m just passive, submissive. And all I want is to curl up and hold my teddy and feel safe and warm. At that point I’m just completely and totally overwhelmed and overstimulated. It’s like I shut down to protect myself and go into a semi catatonic state lol. But it's not unpleasant. It kind of feels like I'm having an out of body experience at the time. I know I just stop talking completely. I’m also physically spent: All the tension of the struggle has gone out of me and my shoulders slump and my head lowers in complete submission. It’s all I can do to remain seated or standing upright and not fall over. 

When I can finally lie down and completely let go physically as well as mentally, it’s almost like I revert to childhood or something. It’s extremely weird. My verbal abilities seem to go out the window and I can barely manage anything more coherent than “uhhuh” or “uhuh”. It seems to go in stages: In the first stage, I’m completely spent and exhausted and all my muscles feel like spaghetti. I have flat zero energy and I just want to lie there with my eyes closed tightly and breathe. In that state, I can barely verbalize at all and any questions I’m asked seem to take an inordinately long time for me to mentally process and formulate a response to. In this first stage, I feel numb still but also emotional, it’s a bit hard to explain. Like last night I wanted so much to feel my head in S.’s lap I could have cried. I had this intense feeling of wanting my head there and feeling his fingers softly in my hair. I wanted that like a young child wants their mommy. For reassurance. For safety. It’s so strong it’s almost a physical need.

In this stage, I’m also acutely sensitive to any changes in emotional tone. Like last night when I apologized for being unable to verbalize and S. said: “No, no! Don’t say sorry!” I knew mentally that he meant it in a sweet and reassuring way and that his voice was very gentle but I experienced it emotionally almost as if he was shouting at me, and my whole body cringed reflexively. It was strange because I had this duality where my mind told me the actual change in tone had been pretty minimal but my body and emotions reacted as if the floor had dropped out from beneath me. All of my senses are just maxed out in that first stage so any further stimulation is just too much for me.

In the second stage, I’ve recovered a little of my energy but I’m still completely worn out. I’m just not zombie like any more lol. I’m able to actually put a few words together to respond to questions, although my mental processing time is still longer than it should be. And I often feel that I’m not expressing myself well. I still feel completely vulnerable in this state. In a way I’m more vulnerable because in stage one, if I was told to do something, I’m not honestly sure I’d be able to summon the energy to even move physically to comply. It’s an effort to even move my head. But in stage two, my energy is higher while my mental state is barely improved.

Mostly in this stage I still want close contact and reassurance but I’m less easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. Like last night when I was in the first stage, S. kept saying he wanted to cuddle me but I felt strongly it would be too much for me to handle. I desperately wanted to be close to him but I didn’t think I would be able to deal with the stimulation of a full body to body embrace at that point. I just wanted my head in his lap and his fingers gently running through my hair so I would know he was right there but not have to deal with any complex stimuli. It isn’t until stage two that I could even begin to think of coping with that.

Then comes a third stage in which I start to move around more, change positions in the bed, open my eyes from time to time, and my mental abilities start to return. I’m able to start to think about what is happening and analyze my own reactions a bit. I still feel vulnerable though and want lots of reassurance and care.

And then, it’s weird, it seems to happen almost as fast as it does when I hit the wall: one minute I’ll be feeling still messed up and then the next I’m babbling away and feel pretty much like my normal self. There doesn’t seem to be a clear transition that I can predict.

All I can say is that I’m extremely grateful S. stays with me when I’m going through all this. I’m not sure what would happen if he didn’t. I have such a strong need for him then!!! I’m completely vulnerable and all I can do is entrust myself to his care. He’s always super sweet and understanding with me, even when I can barely speak or respond to questions at all. He always reassures me that he won’t leave me and makes me feel safe and cared for. I’m extremely grateful for that!!!

Since writing this diary entry, I've done a lot of reading and learned how crucial aftercare is!!! And I am even more grateful to my amazing Dom who is always by my side to bring me back once I am lost in subspace. Even that very first night, when neither of us knew what was happening to me, his instinct was to talk me through every second of the aftermath and reassure me. It took a long time for me to recover that first night, and he was with me every single step of the way until he was absolutely certain that I was okay. I am so fortunate to have such an attentive and caring Dom! :)