Is This Subspace?

I am going to past a diary that I wrote a few months back. I wrote it before S. and I met irl. At the time I wrote it, S. was becoming more and more excited by the idea of bdsm and getting to be together and try things out. On the day that I wrote this diary entry, he started throwing ideas and scenarios at me in a way he never had before. Anyway, here is the diary entry as I originally wrote it:

The weirdest thing happened…I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before. I think I had my very first taste of subspace. It was incredibly interesting and powerful. And I suspect I just grazed the very tip of that iceberg: I’m mad curious to explore more of it lol.

So yesterday S. and I were talking. We were chatting via text message about the previous night where he used scenarios while we were playing the video game together, to make me nuts and distract me and tried to get me to beg verbally on Skype (and failed lol  although he did get me to type it and that was incredibly annoying all by itself lol).

Then without any warning, he sent me a message saying:

”I have 5 complete scenarios now. What if I set up a condition right now and tell you that I’m allowed to say or do anything to you at this very moment and you are not permitted to use your toys to get release when you get home until after I give you permission after the game is over. Clearly I’ll let you be tormented by my scenarios all day.”

I started to respond something flippant about the use of “what if…” not constituting an order. Then I got the next message:

“If you do use your toys without my permission, I will use my scenarios to distract you for 3 game days in a row." (the video game we played is extremely complex and requires a LOT of focus so having to deal with bondage talk throughout would make it nearly impossible for me to play.)

I was like…uhhhhh….

But I still decided flippant was good. Flippant means I’m in control. so I wrote:
”So is that an order? Because sentences that start with “What if…” are likely to be shrugged off by me. If you’re going to make me do something or prevent me from doing something it has to be absolutely direct with no wiggle room.”

To which he responded:
”Yeah.. You know me.. I suck at grammar. But I’m quite serious. If you don’t believe me, then Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights in game will be pretty intense for you :P”

I was like: ooooooookey dokey craaaaaaaap, I guess he means it.

After that, he started to torment me in a deliberate and unrelenting way. Some samples:

“You’re mine today, Jade, and your toys aren’t going to save you today until I give you permission to use them!”

(Dammit I hate when he uses my name like that. It makes me feel there is nowhere to hide!)

“Mhmm.. It’s going to get rough for you now. Since you still have your yeast infection, I believe you might need help to reduce the itching right? I will bind your hands and legs to a chair and have my way with you there. Clearly I will just rub you down there for a while an then use some ice cubes to rub around the area and watch your facial expression to see how cold it is.. I will do this until you beg for me to stop. I will place a vibrator inside you and have it on low while eating you out until you moan enough to satisfy me and cum for me. I will demand that you suck me off after that…before placing my dick in your pussy. Have fun at work! I’m glad it’s Friday! >:) Muhaha.”

(Christ did he really type that? It’s going to get rough? Gulp. Argh! Ice plus begging plus vibrator, plus having to give head while helplessly tied…gulp! Man I wonder what ice would feel like down there? Would I shriek? Would I endure it silently? Would I beg for it to stop? Would it stop the feeling of being swollen and cool the throbbing or make it worse? I wonder…)

“I don’t believe you deserve to have my hard dick inside you. At least not until you submit and tell me, Please S., Fuck me. I would tell you that you don’t deserve this dick and stand there and stroke it in front of you. Once you submitted, I would insert it into you deeply until you came some more. Hope your drive is fun! Haha.”

(Woah…Who IS this guy???!!!!!! Where did Mister Nice Guy go???!!! This is like Dr Jekell turned into Mr. Hyde!!! How the hell does he come up with this stuff? More begging grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Bleh I hate that word “submit”, so makes me squirm. Humiliation gah. Hope your drive to work is fun? Grrrr he is mocking me! He just ensured my drive would be an hour plus of incredible frustration…)

“I would like to rub the head of my dick against your wet lips and then make it look like I’m about to slide it in your wet pussy and back out to torment you and make you pant more. I’ll just tease you and keep stroking myself and rubbing your pussy and sliding my fingers inside you. Finally I will insert my dick and let it throb inside you while it gets harder and then slide it back out and stroke it for a while and repeat :P  When I’m ready to cum I’ll demand you to suck me down again and swallow all of my cum. There I’m all done now. Have fun with the rest of your day, Jade.”

(Holy Christ. I think I just read that message 12 times in a row!!! Words standing out: torment, pant, throb, demand. Yeow. Would he really do that?!!! Jeezum I’m soooo freaking wet right now and throbbing inside, outside. Arghh. I can’t imagine having him inside me and wanting relief so badly but then having him withdraw and making me give him satisfaction with my mouth, while leaving me completely desperate. My head is spinning. And he used my name again >_< I hate how he does that. So much sarcasm. I can tell he’s smirking, enjoying every minute of this. Grrrrrr…..)

“Only 8 more hours to go! I told you. I’m in control today, Jade. I’m taking every advantage of it. I’m going to have you dripping most of the day.”

(Oh my god I so wish he would STOP using my name! I feel like I can’t hide anywhere when he does that. It’s making me crazy. Man I love/hate it when he tells me HE is in control. And yeah dripping…I’m dripping allright…)

“Having no toys to help you out even when you get home. Such a pity…”

(Somebody please tell me: Is this the part where I get to kill him? Or bite him? Oooo yeah bite. HARD! I so want to right now. I can feel my jaws just itching to do it. That would be incredibly satisfying right this minute! He is just enjoying tormenting me wayyyy too much.)

“Try not to hit any bumps on the road it might stimulate you down there. I’m sure you are very sensitive down there right now. Just sliding my tongue inside you might make you explode, right?”

(Inarticulate moan/groan…stooooooooooooooooop! Omg how can he talk about putting his tongue inside me? I think I’m gonna totally lose it! I’ve been swollen for like six plus hours straight now. I’m going crazy!!! Maybe if I shift positions so I’m sitting as far back on my bottom as possible it will help. Huh nope that didn’t really help. Argh! I’m SO frustrated. Try not to move! Try not to squirm. I’m so anxious I keep jiggling and it just makes it worse. Reread the message: “sliding my tongue inside you” yeah I think I’m going to go completely insane…)

“Mhmm… I want you to keep throbbing and wet until the game is over late tonight. That will keep your focus on that area only. That is the goal.”

(Groan. I AM freaking throbbing and wet L That IS all I can think of!!! How the HELL am I supposed to play the game with my whole focus on that area? I can’t believe how many hours are left. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m not even home yet and I’m going crazy. I feel like he’s controlling my every thought at this point. Where is my famous self control??? Gone…I need to get a grip but with three quarters of my attention on my crotch that isn’t happening any time soon. Argh!!!!)

“You know, just to be mean with you, if I were at your house right now, I would have hidden all of your toys around random areas in your house when you got home. Actually this would be a great idea. I’ll hide all your toys and devise a way to make you wet and throbbing all day at work and when you got home I will blindfold you, place a ball gag in your mouth, and a wireless vibrator in your pussy, and press the button if you are getting close to a toy of yours and increase the vibration if you are getting closer. The conditions would be that you couldn’t peek through your blindfold or remove the ball gag or I’ll tie your hands and make you crawl.”

(…

… mental freeze…

…

Read it again.

…

I

Cannot

Believe

He

Came

Up

With

That.

I can visualize it perfectly. Omg stop visualizing it! Why does he have to be so freaking descriptive? I can imagine exactly what it would feel like. STOP imagining it! I can’t stop…I can just visualize him meeting me at the door with the blindfold in one hand, the ball gag in the other and a smirk on his face. So humiliating. Leaving me so helpless. Crawling? Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! So much worse than kneeling! His conditions are insane. I don’t think I’ll ever dare disobey him…)

So I kept getting these messages all day long while I was trying to work (hah) and getting more and more aroused. At first it was just fun and mildly annoying and I’d smile when I heard a text message bing on my phone. Then after a while, it started to get really frustrating. Especially since I knew I couldn’t just go home and relieve myself like I so wanted to. And he kept reminding me how many more hours I had left: 10 hours 8 hours, etc. It seemed endless and he never let up. It got to the point where I would hear the bing and see: S. text message(8) and groan. I actually debated a few times whether to even read them. But I felt compelled to. I started to have this weird sensation of fullness from being so swollen and I kept having to go to the bathroom but of course that wasn’t the problem and it would go trickle trickle and leave me with no relief whatsoever, which was even more frustrating. I considered using my hand in the bathroom stall to get some relief, but I know myself well enough to know it would just aggravate things and I wouldn’t be able to cum and get any relief that way either. Even the sensation of wiping with toilet paper was making me crazy.

By the end of the day, my head was starting to spin with all the emotions and trying to repress/ignore the physical feeling of being aroused, wet and swollen for so long without any chance of release. It was made so much worse by knowing that things were going to get much harder before they got better because I was facing several hours of trying to focus on the video game, sitting in a hard wooden chair, with brand new scenarios to distract me while I tried to focus on playing well. I drove back home, trying not to squirm in the seat, attempting to ignore the throbbing inside me and keep my legs tightly together while leaning back to avoid pressure on that area. Not an easy task while driving. I kept trying not to think about what lay ahead, to let my mind wander onto different topics and try to relax but I just couldn’t. All I could think of were my toys and the hours of gaming ahead.

When I finally got home, and saw my toys but knew I couldn’t use them and things were going to get worse, not better, I just wanted to kick something. And then there was his voice on the phone saying: You can look but don’t touch! Soooooo frustrating!!! Next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the bed, gazing at my toys in the basket just on the other side. I was just throbbing and so wanting to use them, and he was gleefully saying: “Ooo I can hear you panting!” I was like WHAT? Christ am I actually panting? ARGH! Instant mortification. Okay time to hang up NOW! I briefly considered just going ahead and using my toys anyway, but I immediately discarded the thought: I knew he would know immediately as soon as I got on Skype and I had zero doubt he would follow through with the punishment on Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. And I didn’t think I could stand having it dragged out so long. I just needed to obey and have it end tonight. So I gave one last regretful glance at my toys and turned to the computer.

Then the real craziness began. Normally the scenarios he types are fun and certainly extremely distracting but I can sort of tune them out when necessary and just focus on doing what I need to do in the game. They’re still a distraction but I’m able to maintain control and shift most of my attention back and forth from them as needed most of the time. But tonight I was already worn down from so many hours of being aroused, wet and swollen with no release. So my defenses were already weak. So when the scenario onslaught started, it was almost impossible to ignore them. I struggled through a couple of hours of play, but when we reached a difficult part in game, I felt like I had reached a limit. One minute I was still fighting it, the next I just hit a wall. So despite myself, I broke down and asked for a break. I just knew at that point that I wanted and needed it to stop!

Honestly, I didn’t expect S. to let me have one but to my great relief I did. I guess he must have heard the weariness in my voice or something. The next 10 minutes were a blessed relief. I used every minute of my break trying to breathe deeply and regain some type of control over myself. And I succeeded to a certain extent. After the break I felt refreshed somewhat and able to continue. Then he whispered to me: “Your break is over now.” And I was like... And the torment started again.

Anyway, whatever reserves I had managed to gather during my break didn’t last long this time, and just 20 minutes later, I found myself groaning aloud every time a new scenario appeared on my screen just instants before I was supposed to perform some complex manoeuver in game. It was relentless: EVERY single time. It got to the point where I would cringe every time an important move was coming up, and I just about lost it at that point. I’m pretty sure I failed repeatedly to do what I was supposed to be doing. Well frankly I have no clue what the heck I was doing at that point. I was just a mess physically and mentally. All I could think about was my throbbing swollen areas and wanting it to end. But I had nothing left mentally or emotionally to resist or fight back with. I was spent. I started feeling kind of shaky and sort of light headed, it’s hard to explain the feeling.

I guess I must have sounded pretty desperate when I asked for another break. I was so afraid he was going to be like: Nope you already had one! But instead he asked me why I thought I deserved another break. At that point I was so desperate and worn down all I could think was: Oh my god, what does he want me to say? I’ll say whatever it is. Just make it stop. I was terrified he was going to make me put myself out there and then say nope, no break mwahaha! At that point I didn’t think I could have handled that. So I warily asked whether it was a trick question. He just told me he wanted to see what I would say about why I thought I deserved it.

I felt confused. Did I deserve it? I didn’t know. I just knew I needed it. Did he think I deserved it? Or was he just playing with me some more? I wasn’t sure. I was in no mental state to read him. Did I have to do something in order to deserve it? For a few moments, I debated asking him what did I have to do or say to get another break. I had a moment of : Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it, whatever it is, just make it stop please. But something told me that would be a dangerous thing to do. So I used my last ounces of self control and decided to try a less risky response and typed something semi coherent about having obeyed him and trying to please him and having expressed gratitude multiple times for the last break. I had no idea if that was remotely what he was looking for in response.

Then there were several moments of painful waiting for me, and then he finally responded that I could have a break for the rest of the time in game. I was like oh thank god!!! From that point on, I just kind of endured. I wasn’t really able to think straight and I don’t think I talked much on Skype or by typing. I just tried to get through whatever time was left until he would give me permission to go play with my toys. I was completely worn out and vulnerable and shaky. It was weird because by that time the urgent need to play with my toys and seek relief wasn’t so strong any more. I was just like numb all over. I had entered a new and different mental space: One I had never experienced before. I had zero defenses. I just put myself in his hands and tried to endure until told otherwise. I wondered if there were going to be more strings attached to me being allowed to go seek release like begging or anything like that and I knew I’d just comply without a fight. It was weird to contemplate something I knew should make me squirm and my back go rigid and my defensive walls all rise, and know there was nothing I could do about it at all right then. I felt extremely helpless.

Then the game finally ended and he told me “You have permission to go play with your toys now Jade” on Skype. The tone of his voice plus the word permission and the use of my name made me totally cringe. I couldn’t bring myself to respond on vent at all. I couldn’t seem to find my voice. So I just typed THANK YOU.

So then I finally was in bed with my toys… so weird after so so many hours of waiting and wanting this moment. Release came quickly and with an incredible feeling of physical relief. Leaving me still ridiculously swollen but without that aching throbbing sensation that had been tormenting me for hours and hours. But I still felt really weird mentally. I wasn’t sure what to do next. I had logged off the game and Skype and so I thought maybe I should send a text message. I did, but I wasn’t sure what to say: “I’m done.” was all I could think of. I sat there on the bed for a few moments after sending it but I didn’t think I could stand to just wait for a response. So I got up and got back on Skype. I didn’t think I could deal with sitting on that wooden chair any more though: I was so completely exhausted mentally or physically. I’d never felt anything quite like it. So I asked if we could get on Skype together. He agreed and I gratefully got on Skype and then collapsed in bed, hugging bear and my pillow. 

So yeah, that's the diary entry. I believe that day was my very first taste of subspace. A state I had often read about but I had absolutely no idea what it would feel like. I had never felt so defenseless or vulnerable in my life as I did that night. I was so physically and mentally spent, I would have done anything S. told me to without any resistance. It was a completely insane feeling!

He and I talked about it at great length the next day and for several days after that. I think he was kind of shocked that he was able to get me to such a vulnerable state and awed by my complete submissiveness to him when I was in it. It came as a deep surprise and a revelation to us both.