Subspace & Aftercare

The following is another diary entry I wrote a couple of months ago after experiencing subspace for the third time in my life. I wrote a blog about my very first experience with it and how it took both S. and myself completely by surprise!!! You can read about it here: Is This Subspace? 
When I wrote this, I was beginning to see a pattern in how I wound up in subspace, and understand how crucial aftercare, once the scene was over, was for my physical, mental and emotional well-being.

S. has now pushed me to the wall (as he calls it), or into subspace (we’re learning and figuring the terminology out for all of this together) three times. The first, came as a complete shock because I wasn't expecting it to happen and I'd never experienced anything like it in my life. The second was rather unpleasant because, before I got to the good part, I had a full fledged fight or flight response which left me panting, wide eyed, adrenaline rushing through my body, and with a sky high heart rate. It reminded me of having a panic attack and it was really scary. And the third time was tonight.

I’ve been really sick all week with a kidney infection and I guess my defenses are very low at the moment, because from the instant S. started teasing me this morning, I was going completely insane (aided by the fact that I know damn well I can’t touch any of my toys for 10 days, doctor's orders! Argh!!!). I already know just how much he enjoys pushing my buttons, but I guess pushing my buttons when I cannot offer much resistance is particularly enjoyable for him, because S. kept pushing all afternoon and evening until I hit that proverbial wall.

It still startles me how fast that happens. I don’t mean like over time: today he teased and pushed me half the day and the first time was pretty much all day. But when it gets near the end, I’ll be hanging in there, thinking I’m going to be okay and I’m not as far gone as I think, and then BAM! All of a sudden, there’s the wall and I’m just done. Spent. Finished.

Each time it takes me completely by surprise. But S. weirdly seems to be able to read me well enough to predict exactly when it’s about to happen. It’s almost creepy how accurate he can be about stuff, especially when it's something I can barely begin to analyze myself! But then, realistically, he is able to sit there and rationally analyze patterns, while I have to expend all my energy fighting my own mind and body.

Anyway I need to do more reading because I’m not sure whether that is really exactly what people refer to as “subspace”. Or if it’s different. I’m not sure of anything! It’s some space that ain’t my normal space for sure though lol. Man this diary entry is a mess. Ah well. It’s all so difficult to explain and put into words. When I hit that wall, I just kind of let go. Of everything. Of all control. I give up. Or give myself up to him. In that state I’m super vulnerable. I’m not really myself. I’m almost numb at that point. I’m no longer dripping, in pain, or going crazy with feeling horny, I’m just passive, submissive. And all I want is to curl up and hold my teddy and feel safe and warm. At that point I’m just completely and totally overwhelmed and overstimulated. It’s like I shut down to protect myself and go into a semi catatonic state lol. But it's not unpleasant. It kind of feels like I'm having an out of body experience at the time. I know I just stop talking completely. I’m also physically spent: All the tension of the struggle has gone out of me and my shoulders slump and my head lowers in complete submission. It’s all I can do to remain seated or standing upright and not fall over. 

When I can finally lie down and completely let go physically as well as mentally, it’s almost like I revert to childhood or something. It’s extremely weird. My verbal abilities seem to go out the window and I can barely manage anything more coherent than “uhhuh” or “uhuh”. It seems to go in stages: In the first stage, I’m completely spent and exhausted and all my muscles feel like spaghetti. I have flat zero energy and I just want to lie there with my eyes closed tightly and breathe. In that state, I can barely verbalize at all and any questions I’m asked seem to take an inordinately long time for me to mentally process and formulate a response to. In this first stage, I feel numb still but also emotional, it’s a bit hard to explain. Like last night I wanted so much to feel my head in S.’s lap I could have cried. I had this intense feeling of wanting my head there and feeling his fingers softly in my hair. I wanted that like a young child wants their mommy. For reassurance. For safety. It’s so strong it’s almost a physical need.

In this stage, I’m also acutely sensitive to any changes in emotional tone. Like last night when I apologized for being unable to verbalize and S. said: “No, no! Don’t say sorry!” I knew mentally that he meant it in a sweet and reassuring way and that his voice was very gentle but I experienced it emotionally almost as if he was shouting at me, and my whole body cringed reflexively. It was strange because I had this duality where my mind told me the actual change in tone had been pretty minimal but my body and emotions reacted as if the floor had dropped out from beneath me. All of my senses are just maxed out in that first stage so any further stimulation is just too much for me.

In the second stage, I’ve recovered a little of my energy but I’m still completely worn out. I’m just not zombie like any more lol. I’m able to actually put a few words together to respond to questions, although my mental processing time is still longer than it should be. And I often feel that I’m not expressing myself well. I still feel completely vulnerable in this state. In a way I’m more vulnerable because in stage one, if I was told to do something, I’m not honestly sure I’d be able to summon the energy to even move physically to comply. It’s an effort to even move my head. But in stage two, my energy is higher while my mental state is barely improved.

Mostly in this stage I still want close contact and reassurance but I’m less easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. Like last night when I was in the first stage, S. kept saying he wanted to cuddle me but I felt strongly it would be too much for me to handle. I desperately wanted to be close to him but I didn’t think I would be able to deal with the stimulation of a full body to body embrace at that point. I just wanted my head in his lap and his fingers gently running through my hair so I would know he was right there but not have to deal with any complex stimuli. It isn’t until stage two that I could even begin to think of coping with that.

Then comes a third stage in which I start to move around more, change positions in the bed, open my eyes from time to time, and my mental abilities start to return. I’m able to start to think about what is happening and analyze my own reactions a bit. I still feel vulnerable though and want lots of reassurance and care.

And then, it’s weird, it seems to happen almost as fast as it does when I hit the wall: one minute I’ll be feeling still messed up and then the next I’m babbling away and feel pretty much like my normal self. There doesn’t seem to be a clear transition that I can predict.

All I can say is that I’m extremely grateful S. stays with me when I’m going through all this. I’m not sure what would happen if he didn’t. I have such a strong need for him then!!! I’m completely vulnerable and all I can do is entrust myself to his care. He’s always super sweet and understanding with me, even when I can barely speak or respond to questions at all. He always reassures me that he won’t leave me and makes me feel safe and cared for. I’m extremely grateful for that!!!

Since writing this diary entry, I've done a lot of reading and learned how crucial aftercare is!!! And I am even more grateful to my amazing Dom who is always by my side to bring me back once I am lost in subspace. Even that very first night, when neither of us knew what was happening to me, his instinct was to talk me through every second of the aftermath and reassure me. It took a long time for me to recover that first night, and he was with me every single step of the way until he was absolutely certain that I was okay. I am so fortunate to have such an attentive and caring Dom! :)