I honestly have no idea why this is such an issue for me but it just is. See my earlier post on Titles. I'd do just about anything to avoid saying either word!
(I'll be writing a post later about what happened when S. decided that I WAS going to call him "M..." one night, no matter what it took.)
Where even to begin? Umm this entry is going to be a challenge to compose because I’m not even sure I want to/am capable of exploring this topic with myself. So how to start? Sigh. I know where to start. I just don’t want to. I’m procrastinating and I know it. Err if S. reads this he’s gonna think I’m nuts. Bleh can’t think of that. If I think of him reading it I’ll never type it.But I never have to show it to him or anyone else for that matter.
Yeah… then why am I so scared?
* Deep breaths *
I really am scared…
slave…
There, I said it. (wincing) Errr. So yeah here’s the part where my mind goes blank. Which is completely ridiculous considering that I’ve been reading about this stuff for years. So why can’t I talk about it?
Okay let’s try sticking to facts with no emotions and move on up from there. If I approach it scientifically, it won't be so hard to talk about. What is a slave in BDSM? Well a Master-slave relationship within BDSM is where one person gives up their free will and control completely to the other. And I do mean completely. Over everything. Every single aspect of their lives. Yeow. I find the concept both completely absolutely fascinating and terrifying. Both deliciously attractive and abhorrent at once.
I don’t think S. meant that when he called me "slave" on Skype last night. In fact I know he didn’t. He meant it as a scenario, a way to have fun with me. But wow…
When he said that word
slave
S. clearly had NO idea what I was feeling or how badly I was flipping out so he kept right on talking about it. If he’d seen me in person he’d have known. But over Skype he couldn’t tell. I just got completely quiet. He did ask at one point if I was holding my breath. And I was finally able to get out: No, I’m trying to remember how to breathe!!!
Christ I can’t even recall large portions of last night. I think I may literally have blanked out certain parts. I know it all started because he wanted me to call him the dreaded M... word. (Big time wince). When he said that, my teeth clenched, my fingers balled into fists and I scowled. He probably would have laughed if he’d been able to see me. I probably looked very fierce. I don’t remember details very well after that, because that’s when he brought up me being his slave and I almost immediately started to shut down into a non-verbal pit of swirling emotions.
I remember S. saying things like:
“The tag on your collar will say ‘S's Slave’.”
“You want to be a good slave and please your Master, don’t you?”
“You’re my slave, aren’t you, Jade? You belong to me.”
All in THAT tone of voice…
He kept trying to get me to respond but I literally, genuinely could NOT speak. I mean I tried. I genuinely did. Several times, he seemed to want and really expect some form of response from me. So I’d force some semi coherent thought into my head and open my mouth and try, but nothing would come out. My voice was just frozen. If I tried to push it, all that would come out was a whimper or a whine. It was ridiculous. I guess I know now that “speechless” isn’t just an expression. I was quite literally speechless. Jesus how weird!!!!
After a while, when he kept pushing, I just gave up on attempting to talk at all and lay there. I wanted my teddy bear so badly but couldn’t seem to move, not even enough to reach for him. Then I started to shake. Even my breath shook! I don’t know what the hell was going on in my body but it was crazy. Within 15 minutes of him bringing up the topic, I was frozen, speechless, and literally shaking. >_<
So umm why did I react that way? Can I even begin to analyze it beyond saying it’s a big, BIG button? Let’s try…
Okay starting at the beginning, I’ve always been totally fascinated by slave movies. I remember watching Spartacus as a child and just being totally enthralled. The concept of one human being having complete and total dominance over another just blew me away. And it aroused me, long before I even knew what arousal was. I remember tying up my barbies (rofl) and playing slave games with them.
But what S. was talking about and what BDSM refers to as Master-slave relationships isn’t some movie or child’s dream. It can be absolutely real and some people live that way 24/7. Voluntarily… Crazy!!!
Okay so I can come out and say it: I don’t want that! I have zero desire to just completely give myself up to another at that extreme level. I want to have my job and my friends and live a vanilla life outside the bedroom mostly. I want to play hard when I’m in the bedroom and experiment with all sorts of wild stuff that would make most people turn white lol. But I don’t want to completely give up all my independence to another every second of every day.
Okay so that’s what I don’t want. But what about what I DO want?
That, my friend, is much harder to admit to.
Okay I’ll admit it. I’ve always wanted to find that one person that I could call “Master”. Even though the thought makes me want to scream and cry and run away. Even though I’m not sure I’ll be able to spit out the word from between my tightly clenched teeth the first few times. I still want it. Or a part of me does. Somehow using that word just equals total subservience to me, which makes it so incredibly hard to say and yet so completely enthralling. I’d say S. wants me to use it too. He seemed to be really enjoying it last night. And he told me today that, at some point, he WILL get me to say it. When he uses that tone, I have no doubt he means exactly what he says. >_<
And what about being called “slave”? It’s the most debasing word I could imagine.
It. Just. Hurts. To. Hear.
And yet a part of me wants that.
Yes.
There, I said it.
Even though the mere word made my whole body shake last night, I want it.
Something inside me smiled when he said the tag on my collar would say “S.’s slave” even while I cringed and fell apart emotionally.
So yeah, there it is. Wow I actually managed to type something somewhat coherent about this topic, I’m kind of amazed. And I also managed to be honest with myself about my feelings. I do want it >_< (ohhhh boy be careful what you ask for, girl). But it’s gonna take one hell of a lot of work to get there. Right now I’m at the point where I didn’t even acquiesce to saying the M... word when I was in a near catatonic state. Even then, all my limp muscles contracted as soon as he told me to and a flat “no!” came out of my mouth. I didn’t even mean to say it. It just happened. S. was astonished by my level of resistance, even in the state I was in!
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