"Good Girl"

        "Good girl!"           

                                                        "Good slave!"

These words alternately make me smile and squirm. They bring up such contradictory feelings inside me, it's difficult to cope or process!

When S. says either one of these to me, I immediately have two simultaneous and opposite reactions:

1. One part of me curls up and purrs, in glorious happiness that I have pleased him. That part of me wants to lick his toes, kiss the ground he walks on, and worship him forever. That part lives for the praise, for that tone of voice that means I've pleased him.

2. But another part of me bares it's teeth and growls. Good girl? It says. How patronizing! How belittling! Good SLAVE? It howls. I am a strong, independent woman, hear me roar! GRRRRRRRRRR! That part makes me want to bite him, HARD!!! But, if I'm being honest, that part also starts the inevitable drip between my legs.

Sometimes, I feels as though my own body betrays me: Even while my mind is yowling in resistance, my knees get wobbly, and my pussy tingles, and wetness instantly seeps out of me, to belie my protesting words. Bad body! Sometimes I wish I had a little better control over it, lol. But S. can make me wet in an instant, with only a few soft words.

Calling Him "Master"

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I have a hard time with titles like "Sir" and especially "Master". I wrote about it in several posts including this one: Titles...ewww! But S. greatly enjoys calling me "slave" and his mission in life is to have me call him "Master" all the time.

To date, I have only ever uttered the dreaded M... word once. And it was this summer when he kept whipping me until I finally broke (I need to write a post on that but haven't gotten to it yet). By the time he was done, my ass was on fire and I simply couldn't hold out any more so I wound up whispering the word in submission. But I haven't come remotely close to saying it since despite S. trying to get me to say it from time to time.

However, I knew that my stubbornness in this matter wasn't going to last on this trip as S. had promised me I WOULD call him "Master" again before the end of the trip. So here we were on the last night, and I knew what was coming although I couldn't anticipate the exact format it would take. All I knew is that I was determined not to say that word and that S. was equally determined to get me to say it. And unfortunately for me, since S. is the Dom, I knew I was probably going to be put through a lot of pain before the night was out, until I finally broke and said it again.

And so it began...

S. placed me on my knees on the bed, with my legs spread and then attached wrist and ankle cuffs. He connected each wrist to the corresponding ankle so that my ass was high in the air and I couldn't move to protect myself in any way. I squirmed a bit, but quickly stopped, because in that position, all squirming accomplishes is making my legs slide farther apart, making me even more vulnerable to whatever S. might choose to do.

To my surprise, S. attached the bit gag to me. But he explained as he did: "I am going to keep this gag on you until you are ready to call me Master." I groaned through the gag and buried my face on the mattress. S. grabbed my hair and yanked my hair so my head was forced up and back and told me that he would keep going until I called him Master tonight.

S. then slid off the bed and I could hear him rummaging in the toy box. He pulled something out, and I soon heard a vibrator and felt him push the head of it against my pussy. I jumped and groaned in pleasure as he pushed it deeply into my pussy until it was lodged there, and left it there on high. I heard him returning to the toy box once more. I was pretty sure that he was getting the flicker whip: The one that hurts like crazy and leaves welts everywhere and sure enough, I soon heard a whistling sound through the air and the first crack hit my right cheek. I jumped and groaned in pain, curling my fingers and toes to try to steel myself for the next impact.

S. continued to work on my ass with the whip, alternating cheeks and making me gasp and moan in pain. Occasionally, he would stop and come over to my head and pull my hair until he could see my face and demand whether I was ready to submit yet. Each time, I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head in denial. And he would resume the whipping. It was a crazy sensation with the vibrator in my pussy because each time the lash hit my sensitive skin, I would convulse and involuntarily clench all my muscles, including my internal ones, causing a wave of pleasure inside my pussy at the same time as the sharp pain from the crack of the whip. The simultaneous pleasure and pain was making me crazy!

About halfway through this, S. stopped and rummaged in the toy box again. I wondered what was in store for me now, and I soon heard the dreaded sound of lube being squeezed out and I knew what was coming next. Sure enough, I felt his fingers invading my anus and I moaned and tried to squirm away, only succeeding in spreading my legs even farther apart. Before I could recover, S. pushed the largest plug all the way in, making me moan loudly. Then he resumed the whipping, pausing from time to time to press against the plug and shove it in even more deeply. Because I still had the vibrator inside me, both the plug and the vibrator rubbed against one another, causing the vibrations to invade my anus as well and I writhed from the sensations of pain, pleasure and fullness that I was helpless to stop.

My ass was on fire by the time S. was finished, but I still refused to utter the dreaded M.. word. I honestly cannot explain this very well, other than to say that there is something in me that just balks at the idea of calling anyone that. And, even if I'm in significant pain, it's extremely difficult for me to even contemplate uttering that word. I guess S. decided that it was time to change tactics because he removed the vibrator, leaving the plug inside me, disconnected my wrists from my ankles, and ordered me off the bed. I complied shakily and followed him to the foot of the bed.

"Kneel!" he commanded me, and I dropped to my knees once more, my body shaking from the abuse it had already taken. S. then proceeded to attach my ankle restraints to the spreader bar so my knees were spread far apart and then attached my wrist cuffs to the bedframe on either side so my arms were spread wide, turning me into a giant X, and unable to move in any direction.

At this point, my knees were really starting to hurt, my ass was killing me, The anal plug had been in for quite a while by now, and my anus was really starting to ache, and I was shaking quite a bit. My head was spinning too, so when S. approached me with the blindfold, I shook my head back and forth, trying to escape it. But of course, I couldn't, and I was soon engulfed in darkness, unable to anticipate what would come next. I chewed fretfully on the bit gag and tried to regain some composure, but I could feel myself slipping further into subspace.

S. made me wait for a few seconds, and then I heard the sound of the whip whistling through the air. I tried desperately to bring my arms together to protect myself and to huddle forward but the restraints prevented me from doing so and I took the full impact of the lash directly across my breasts. I cried out in pain and my body shook. Before I could even breathe again, S. hit me again, catching me directly on the left breast and making me gasp in agony. He kept this up for a while until my entire body was shaking from head to toe and then he paused to ask whether I was ready to submit and call him "Master" yet. The pain all over my body was intense, but something within me just refused to break and I shook my head in defiance, while dreading the continued punishment that would follow.

S. reached behind my head and removed my gag, causing drool to drip down my chest and told me that he would just continue with the whipping and I could submit and call him Master any time I was ready. He then returned to the toy box and I heard the sound I had been fearing the most: The metal clink of the nipple clamps. I hate the clamps! They are excruciatingly painful!!!! The bite of them against my sensitive nipples is nearly unbearable under normal circumstances and the thought of having to endure them now that my breasts were inflamed and swollen from the whipping was nearly too much to bear.

S. came over to me and I felt his hand tease my left nipple, making it harden, and then he attached the metal clamp directly onto it. I couldn't help the loud "OWWWWWWWWWWW!" that escaped my lips as the pain made me break out in goosebumps and convulse against the restraints. Seconds later, I felt him repeating the process with my right nipple and I another "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" issued from me as that clamp bit deeply into my delicate flesh. At this point, I think I was crying. It just hurt so freaking much!!!

Then I heard S. Leave the room for a few moments and I straine my ears, trying to make out what he was doing. To my dismay, I was able to identify the sound of the freezer door and ice cubes clinking. By the time he returned to the bedroom, I was moaning and shaking my head back and forth. He laughed when he saw me and I soon heard him close in front of me. I tried desperately to close my legs to protect my pussy but the spreader bar kept me stretched wide open and S. wasted no time in pressing the ice cube directly into my clit, making me gasp and moan. I tried to sway my hips away from him but the bedframe prevented it, and he pushed the ice deeper until my lips closed around it and it was stuck in place.

At this point, I was very close to my breaking point and I knew it: my ass was on fire, my knees ached, my shoulders and wrists were strained from my yanking desperately on my restraints, my nipples were sending unbelievable waves of pain through my body and the ice was causing an intense freezing, burning sensation in my clit that was almost too much to bear.

S. then picked up the whip and started once more to lash my tortured breasts. I was crying out with each impact as both the area of the lash hurt like crazy and my nipples that were being jerked around with the clamps and chain connecting them swinging around from my convulsions were too much to bear. It was at that point that I broke, and the next time S. paused and asked me if I was ready to submit yet, I hung my head and nodded.

It took several deep breaths before I could force myself to say the hated word: "M...M...Master," I finally managed in a croak.

"Louder!" he commanded.

"M...Master!" I repeated obediently in a louder tone, submitting completely to his will, unable to hold out any more.

This finally satisfied S. and he removed the nipple clamps, causing a fresh wave of pain as the blood rushed back into my abused flesh and I collapsed onto my hands and knees as soon as he disconnected the restraints from the footboard. S. moved around me removing all four cuffs, the blindfold, and finally taking out the anal plug. He then helped me to my feet and guided me to the bed.

I was deeply in subspace at this point and curled up in the bed with his arms around me in a somewhat catatonic state. S. held me gently and patted my cheek and hair, telling me how much he loved me. It took a while for me to be able to even open my eyes, or respond to him in any way. He kept telling me he loved me, but all I could manage back was to nod my head against his chest.

Finally, after a long time had passed, and my shaking had stopped, I felt a bit better and was just floating in S.'s arms. This is my favorite part: I feel so loved and cherished and cared for in those moments. S. is always so kind and gentle and I would do just about anything in the world for him right then. So, when I heard him say once more: "I love you!" I curled the corner of my lips into a small smile and clung tighter to his chest and whispered back:

"I love you too, Master!"

First Anal & Bondage Harness

We drove home on Sunday after one final gourmet breakfast and checking out of the inn, and spent a lovely afternoon at home, cuddling in front of the TV, watching movies. S. kept up the routine of playing with my nipples nonstop so I was very very very horny by the time the movie ended and all wet. He seems to delight in keeping me constantly horny and then teases me about what a “dirty slave” I am, and tells me he doesn’t understand why I’m wet all the time.

I’d been asking S. if I could have the privilege of washing him when he took a bath for the last couple of days, but he kept saying no. But he did call me in after his bath that afternoon and tossed me a towel and said, “Dry me, slave!”  I was so happy to be able to serve him in that way!  I carefully used the towel to dry every inch of him. I did his top first and then knelt and dried his legs and then his cock and balls very very carefully. He turned around so I repeated the procedure for his backside as well. Then I checked to make sure that he was pleased with the way I had done it. He was! J It made me smile a lot!!! S. knows that I have a terrible time with any type of titles and he’s promised me that I will call him “Master” again before he leaves. But he knew I wouldn’t say it so easily. So he commanded me to say “Thank you, Sir.” After drying him off. I flushed bright red and stared at the floor and said “Thank you, Sir.” In a tiny voice.  I hoped that would be good enough. But apparently it wasn’t: S. grabbed my hair and forced my head up to face him, saying “Look at me!” I stared into his eyes, unable to move my head away, and he said: “Now say it again.” I cut my eyes away a couple of times, gathering my courage and then repeated “Thank you, Sir” in my small voice and he was finally satisfied. He let go of my hair and I immediately looked at the floor once more.

After that, the rest of the evening became progressively more interesting.  S. had indicated earlier that day that he wished for me to cook him lamb chops so I happily did. It was his first time tasting lamb and he loved it!!!! It makes me so very happy to be able to please him in that way! :D After that, S. decided that he wanted to do the dishes for me. I keep telling him that he isn’t supposed to be doing any work at all! That I can and will happily do absolutely everything for him!!! But I guess he has his own ideas on the topic lol. Because he told me that he was the Dom and could do whatever he wanted and that if I didn’t shut up and learn my place, I could kneel in the kitchen doorway and watch him in silence until he was done with the dishes. So after that, I stopped voicing my objections, although I still felt very very twitchy and useless, watching him move around my kitchen cleaning up for me!!!!

Then things got kind of crazy. We went to the bedroom and he put the spreader bar back on me. I was on my hands and knees, so the bar spread me very wide back there. Then S. attached the wrist restraints and used the bondage rope to attach the wrist restraints to the center of the bondage bar, running the rope between my arms and legs. I was still on all fours, bent over with my ass in the air, but the difference was that I couldn’t take a header off the bed or move away now that my wrists and ankles were connected. He then inserted the bit gag, and proceeded to whip my ass soundly. It hurt! He moved very quickly and I didn’t hear him pick up the whip, so the first lash took me completely by surprise. When it hit, I jumped so hard, my hands and knees all left the bed simultaneously. S. enjoyed that. And with the spreader bar, I couldn’t even wiggle from side to side, the way I normally do, and the bondage rope prevented me from lunging forward either. By the time he was done, my ass HURT and I had drooled all down my chin. S. would come over periodically and yank my head up by the hair and ask how I was doing. With the gag in place, and halfway in subspace, all I could do was groan unintelligibly back.

After he was done placing welts all over my ass, S. inserted the largest butt plug once again, causing me to moan. Then he brought out the double bullet vibrator. He placed the first bullet deep inside my pussy, and then used the second one in a way I would never have anticipated: He held it right against the base of the butt plug, causing the entire plug to vibrate deep in my ass! I about lost it when he did that. I groaned, and squirmed and wiggled as far as the spreader and restraints would let me, which wasn’t far at all. Despite all my desperate movements,  S. continued to press the bullet right against the plug, making me crazy with the vibration deep inside my ass.  The sensation was simply insane, and I wasn’t sure I could stand it, but I had no other choice. So S. continued to torment me until he was satisfied, while I wriggled, moaned and groaned desperately fighting it. When he was FINALLY done, he removed the restraints and let me recover for a while.

Later on that night, S. became very hard while we were cuddling in bed, and decided it was time for my first session of anal. So he had me kneel on the edge of the bed with my ass presented and spread my legs. I did as I was told. In a way, this was harder than anything yet, because I’ve been so terrified of anal and there were no restraints keeping me in place. I had to use sheer willpower not to bolt away from him, and lock my muscles in place instead. My heart was beating so very hard, I thought it would explode. I could hear S. behind me, putting on a condom and I started trembling in fear of what was to come. I buried my head in the comforter and gripped it in both fists, and just tried to hang in there and not move. Then I heard the lube bottle and next thing I knew, his finger was deep in my ass. It’s bad enough having something inserted in there, but the in and out, in and out sensation is enough to make me want to leap through the nearest window, glass and all. But I knew I had to remain still, so I grit my teeth, arched my back, and did.

I could hear him lubing up his cock and fought the urge to turn around and peek to see how wide he was. I was so afraid that this was going to hurt terribly! Then, the next thing I knew, his cock was in my ass!!!!!! It was so fast!!! Not at all what I had expected! I had imagined it having to be pushed in slowly and ripping my anus apart as it went. But it was inside me in the flash of an instant and S. started pounding against me. The in and out sensation was pretty awful, but I was so insanely relieved that it wasn’t horribly painful, I remained still and didn’t move until he was done. By this time, I was most of he way into subspace: The willpower it had taken for me to submit and remain in position without bolting away had completely drained me, and after spending so much time on my hands and knees recently, my trembling muscles ached.

When S. went to the bathroom to wash and clean up, I just collapsed a little onto the bed on my belly with my legs still bent and spread. By the time he came back, I was still that way, just trying to remember how to breathe. He came over and asked me some questions about the experience, but all I could do was mostly nod or shake my head.  As always, when I am in subspace, S. took care of me. He sat on the bed and let me curl up with my head on his lap. He patted and stroked me and told me he loved me and made me feel safe until I was able to sit up and speak again. (I never have any sense of time when this happens so I have no idea how long it took).

Once I was better, S. announced that he had decided that I was going to sleep in a bondage rope harness tonight. This was almost too much for me to bear at this point, after enduring the whipping, the butt plug, and now my first time with anal. So I just stared at him, trying to figure out whether he was teasing me, or was serious. I guess I figured out he was serious when he told me to get the laptop so we could look at the diagram… So I obeyed. And he told me to stand up and then followed the directions on the screen to create the harness.

This was my first time in bondage rope, and I had no idea what to expect. It was the weirdest sensation!!! The harness ran between my legs, so both ropes were pulled tight, chafing against my pussy and pulled tight, deep within my butt crack, then running up my spine to be reconnected to the rope around my neck, and finally weaving a pattern around my torso that made the entire harness tight. By the time the final knots were tied, the harness felt very tight around me, and any movement at all caused the rope between my legs to chafe mercilessly either against my clit or my anus. The sensation was maddening.

S. seemed very pleased with himself and ordered me in bed. Just getting into the bed made me immediately realize that I was in trouble. There was no position at all that was even remotely comfortable and he told me to get on my left side and then curled up behind me, tugging a rope now and then, just to make it worse. In that position, the rope bit cruelly into my clit, causing both pain and arousal. And I couldn’t straighten out or wiggle to adjust my position because S. was directly behind me, spooning me. I immediately felt myself begin to drip. I groaned and whined quite a lot over the next few minutes, which just seemed to make S. grin even harder, and when I complained that any tiny movement caused the rope to chafe more against my pussy and anus, he simply responded: “That’s the whole point! Good night, slave!” and turned over and faced the other way, leaving me there in misery.

I turned out the light as ordered and lay there, wondering how in the world I was ever going to fall asleep at all. I kept whimpering quietly, so S. finally said that if I hadn’t fallen asleep within a half an hour, he might release me from the harness. Unfortunately for me, I usually look at my phone to see what time it is, and the phone was a long reach away from the bed, on the shelf. And the LAST thing I felt like doing right then was stretching, causing the harness to bite even more deeply into my sensitive parts. So I just lay there and wondered what time it was. After a short while, I could hear S. snoring gently. At that point, I nearly kicked him! It seemed so unfair that I was lying there, bound and wildly horny and with a constant biting, tugging sensation in my most sensitive areas, while he snored away peacefully. Fortunately, I mastered my impulse, and didn’t kick him or anything else.

Finally, after I have no idea how long, I dozed off, exhausted by the day’s events. I woke up sporadically through the night, each time I tried to move or adjust my position in the bed, the resulting tightening and cruel bite of the ropes would immediately wake me up. The night went on this way until maybe 3 or 4 am when S. woke up as well. He asked whether I wanted the harness removed and I nodded and said please!!!! So he removed it and my god what a relief it was!!! The rope left an interesting pattern of marks and some chafe areas on my body. After that, I slept much much better! It was such a blessed relief not to have anything pulling and chafing against my sensitive areas!!!

In the morning, the rope marks were all gone, but the chafed areas were still red and a bit raw. I didn’t really pay much attention to them, until I sprayed my perfume on before going to work and nearly jumped out of my skin: The alcoholic base of the perfume caused the chafed areas on my chest to burn like mad! I had to wipe tears from my eyes before I could continue to get dressed.

Evil "S" word :(

This is an entry from my diary that I wrote one night prior to S. and me meeting in person for the first time. We were talking on Skype, and he had brought up the words "Master" and "slave" (convulsive shudder. Which shall henceforth be known as "The dreaded "M" word" and "The evil "s" word".) He proceeded to push them until I couldn't breathe or think straight. 

I honestly have no idea why this is such an issue for me but it just is. See my earlier post on Titles.  I'd do just about anything to avoid saying either word! 

(I'll be writing a post later about what happened when S. decided that I WAS going to call him "M..." one night, no matter what it took.)

Dear Diary,

Where even to begin? Umm this entry is going to be a challenge to compose because I’m not even sure I want to/am capable of exploring this topic with myself. So how to start? Sigh. I know where to start. I just don’t want to. I’m procrastinating and I know it. Err if S. reads this he’s gonna think I’m nuts. Bleh can’t think of that. If I think of him reading it I’ll never type it.But I never have to show it to him or anyone else for that matter.

Yeah… then why am I so scared?

* Deep breaths *

I really am scared…

slave…

There, I said it. (wincing) Errr. So yeah here’s the part where my mind goes blank. Which is completely ridiculous considering that I’ve been reading about this stuff for years. So why can’t I talk about it?

Okay let’s try sticking to facts with no emotions and move on up from there. If I approach it scientifically, it won't be so hard to talk about. What is a slave in BDSM? Well a Master-slave relationship within BDSM is where one person gives up their free will and control completely to the other. And I do mean completely. Over everything. Every single aspect of their lives. Yeow. I find the concept both completely absolutely fascinating and terrifying. Both deliciously attractive and abhorrent at once.

I don’t think S. meant that when he called me "slave" on Skype last night. In fact I know he didn’t. He meant it as a scenario, a way to have fun with me. But wow…

When he said that word

slave

My heart stopped. I literally stopped breathing. I couldn’t remember how to blink, breathe, anything. I just lay there, completely frozen. My entire gut contracted into a knot of sheer panic. And yet, if I’m being completely honest with my diary (with myself that is), I think there was a tiny bit of exhilaration just at the fringes of my consciousness.

S. clearly had NO idea what I was feeling or how badly I was flipping out so he kept right on talking about it. If he’d seen me in person he’d have known. But over Skype he couldn’t tell. I just got completely quiet. He did ask at one point if I was holding my breath. And I was finally able to get out: No, I’m trying to remember how to breathe!!!

Christ I can’t even recall large portions of last night. I think I may literally have blanked out certain parts. I know it all started because he wanted me to call him the dreaded M... word. (Big time wince). When he said that, my teeth clenched, my fingers balled into fists and I scowled. He probably would have laughed if he’d been able to see me. I probably looked very fierce. I don’t remember details very well after that, because that’s when he brought up me being his slave and I almost immediately started to shut down into a non-verbal pit of swirling emotions.

I remember S. saying things like:

“The tag on your collar will say ‘S's Slave’.”

“You want to be a good slave and please your Master, don’t you?”

“You’re my slave, aren’t you, Jade? You belong to me.”

All in THAT tone of voice…

He kept trying to get me to respond but I literally, genuinely could NOT speak. I mean I tried. I genuinely did. Several times, he seemed to want and really expect some form of response from me. So I’d force some semi coherent thought into my head and open my mouth and try, but nothing would come out. My voice was just frozen. If I tried to push it, all that would come out was a whimper or a whine. It was ridiculous. I guess I know now that “speechless” isn’t just an expression. I was quite literally speechless. Jesus how weird!!!!

After a while, when he kept pushing, I just gave up on attempting to talk at all and lay there. I wanted my teddy bear so badly but couldn’t seem to move, not even enough to reach for him. Then I started to shake. Even my breath shook! I don’t know what the hell was going on in my body but it was crazy. Within 15 minutes of him bringing up the topic, I was frozen, speechless, and literally shaking. >_<

So umm why did I react that way? Can I even begin to analyze it beyond saying it’s a big, BIG button? Let’s try…

Okay starting at the beginning, I’ve always been totally fascinated by slave movies. I remember watching Spartacus as a child and just being totally enthralled. The concept of one human being having complete and total dominance over another just blew me away. And it aroused me, long before I even knew what arousal was. I remember tying up my barbies (rofl) and playing slave games with them.

But what S. was talking about and what BDSM refers to as Master-slave relationships isn’t some movie or child’s dream. It can be absolutely real and some people live that way 24/7. Voluntarily… Crazy!!!

Okay so I can come out and say it: I don’t want that! I have zero desire to just completely give myself up to another at that extreme level. I want to have my job and my friends and live a vanilla life outside the bedroom mostly. I want to play hard when I’m in the bedroom and experiment with all sorts of wild stuff that would make most people turn white lol. But I don’t want to completely give up all my independence to another every second of every day.

Okay so that’s what I don’t want. But what about what I DO want?

That, my friend, is much harder to admit to.

Okay I’ll admit it. I’ve always wanted to find that one person that I could call “Master”. Even though the thought makes me want to scream and cry and run away. Even though I’m not sure I’ll be able to spit out the word from between my tightly clenched teeth the first few times. I still want it. Or a part of me does. Somehow using that word just equals total subservience to me, which makes it so incredibly hard to say and yet so completely enthralling. I’d say S. wants me to use it too. He seemed to be really enjoying it last night. And he told me today that, at some point, he WILL get me to say it. When he uses that tone, I have no doubt he means exactly what he says. >_<

And what about being called “slave”? It’s the most debasing word I could imagine.

It. Just. Hurts. To. Hear.

And yet a part of me wants that.

Yes.

There, I said it.

Even though the mere word made my whole body shake last night, I want it.

Something inside me smiled when he said the tag on my collar would say “S.’s slave” even while I cringed and fell apart emotionally.

So yeah, there it is. Wow I actually managed to type something somewhat coherent about this topic, I’m kind of amazed. And I also managed to be honest with myself about my feelings. I do want it  >_<  (ohhhh boy be careful what you ask for, girl). But it’s gonna take one hell of a lot of work to get there. Right now I’m at the point where I didn’t even acquiesce to saying the M... word when I was in a near catatonic state. Even then, all my limp muscles contracted as soon as he told me to and a flat “no!” came out of my mouth. I didn’t even mean to say it. It just happened. S. was astonished by my level of resistance, even in the state I was in!

So how do I get from here to where he (okay and some part of me too since I’m being honest) wants me to be? Ah well lol I have NO freaking clue. It’s going to take a lot of time and breaking down of my will and pride to get there. I think it will take a lot of both pushing me very very hard, and great kindness and gentleness. I would never willingly use that term for someone I didn’t love and respect deeply in addition to obeying. It will be a journey I guess. That one isn’t going to happen overnight. But that’s okay. It will give us both something to look forward to (or run away screaming like a raving lunatic from in my case, lol).

Titles....ewww!!!

Okay so now I've reached the point in my blog where I can't proceed without discussing titles. Which is sad for me because titles are NOT my favorite subject! lol

I've read enough blogs and websites to know the "proper" way to write things. I know the rules, for example, about capitalizing anything that has to do with the capital D Dominant and using small letters for anything that has to do with the submissive. I know that most bloggers who are subs refer to their Doms as "Sir" or "Master". But umm yeah this is where I run into trouble.

So yeah let's get this out there now: I have a hard time with titles. They make me squirm and wince and sigh and moan and groan and getting the dreaded M... word past my lips is next to impossible! (Yet...I'd better not make that sound like it's set in stone because my beloved Dom has other ideas on the topic and I learned the hard way this summer that he means business...but again that's a topic for another post!)

Anyway, for the time being at least, I hope you, dear reader, shall forgive me for taking some liberties when I discuss my partner in this journey into kink. For now, at least, I'm going to completely bypass the evil M... word and equally repugnant s... word that goes along with it. Even the idea of typing them makes me shudder lol. Although my Dom seems to enjoy calling me "sla...." yeah you get the picture. Excuse me while I go hide under the bed for a while now lol.

I do know that the terms Dom and sub are general and that it's considered respectful of one's Dom to use a title in the BDSM community but I plead newbie status and assure you all that I mean no disrespect! Titles are just a hangup of mine at the moment so it will be something to work toward in the future. (And I can assure you that my beloved Dom has plans to do so)

In the meantime, I'll be using "S" to refer to my sweet Dom. :)