Cooking Therapy

I woke up at 7am today and groaned, knowing I wouldn't be getting back to sleep, and that there were still eleven hours before I would know for sure whether S. will FINALLY be able to make it today or not. So I decided that I needed to expend some of my nervous energy in a productive way. S. sounds sick and snuffly (and who wouldn't be sick after five freaking days of being stuck in various airports!?) so I figured soup was the way to go. I spent a little time looking online and found a recipe for a really great baked potato crock pot soup. So I went to the store, bought the ingredients, and spent the afternoon making it. I also made some oatmeal chocolate cookies from scratch while I was at it.

So, the way I figure it, I'll either have some really great soup for S. to eat if he does get here tonight, or if the flight is canceled or overbooked again, I'll just commit suicide by drowning myself in the baked potato soup. So it will come in handy either way! :P

The Waiting Game

 Day FIVE of waiting for the love of my life... S. is supposedly booked on a flight this evening, but frankly at this point I've completely given up hope of seeing him at all. I figure some new disaster will occur that will prevent him from coming to see me. He had to spend the night in an airport hotel in a strange city last night since he's now stranded in the middle of nowhere and all the flights are overbooked. He was number 18 on the standby list for the flights last night so basically had zero chance whatsoever of getting on a plane. Plus now he's getting sick: he's all snuffly and has a nasty cough. So if he ever gets here, he's just going to be staying in bed while I nurse him until he's well enough to go home.

The stress of waiting and hoping desperately day after day and then having my hopes smashed repeatedly each day has finally gotten to me too, and while I haven't fallen ill, I've spent most of the last two nights sleepless and most of the morning today in tears. I simply don't dare to hope that I might see S. today because if I have my hopes smashed one more time, I'm going to completely lose it. I'm a big mess at the moment. :(  In fact, I think if S. ever does make it, I won't dare wear any makeup because I'm just going to sob in relief if I ever get to see him again.

Arrrrrrgh!!!

S. spent the entire day at the airport again today and STILL wasn't able to get on a plane, due to them all being overbooked. I had a completely miserable day and now I'm too mad about the situation to even sleep. At this point, the earliest he would be able to arrive isn't until very late tomorrow night. So even if he does finally make it we will only have 2 days together until I have to go back to work! :( :( :( This has been the single worst vacation EVER!!!! I'm normally a very non-violent person, but at this point, I'm so pissed I could gladly smash something...preferably over an airline employee's head! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!! :( :( :(

Sad Panda :(

 So yeah... I used to think I liked snow. Now I'm thinking it might be time for me to move to South Africa. You know that really wonderful blizzard that's been blanketing the country? Well S. has now gone to the airport two freaking days running to try to come see me and both times his flights have been cancelled :( :( :( The last time he went, they actually got him on the plane, and then came and pulled him off it again because his connecting flight was canceled. At this point, we've lost 3 days together!!! :( This is making me very unhappy because I haven't seen him in four and a half months and I MISS HIM!!!!!!! Argh! And the next time I'll get a chance to see him is Spring.

So he plans to try again tomorrow. Thank god the weather across the country looks better. All I can say is that if anything goes wrong this time, he better grow wings and fly here himself because I'm going to go out of my mind!!! :( I so hope that I will have something GOOD to post soon!!!!!!!

Have a Very Anal Christmas

Christmas Eve Day, and only TWO more days until S. comes!!! I am getting so excited! I simply cannot wait! I have missed him so very much, and now the time is nearly here when I get to snuggle in his wonderful arms and inhale his amazing scent and feel his soft lips on mine once again. What more could a girl want for Christmas?!!! S. will be here for 11 days so there will be plenty of time to have tons of fun!!! :)

I love the picture above because it represents what I want most to give S. for Christmas: ME! :) I want to be available and ready for him at any time for him to do anything he chooses. I yearn to please him and make him happy! And the rear view is appropriate because I have been training for months now to be prepared for my first anal sex.

S. is getting excited too! He keeps talking about all of the positions he plans to put me in. Between the under the bed restraint system, my bed with open wrought iron scroll work, the leather cuffs and ankle restraints, and the brand new spreader bar, he certainly has a wide variety of options to choose from!

He has also ordered me to finger myself every hour on the hour until his plane lands Sunday evening. No toys, and no cumming: Just finger myself until I'm mad horny and then stop. Since he's not arriving until the evening, that means that I'm going to have to finger myself between 8 and 12 times, depending what time I wake up in the morning and whether his flights are delayed. That's a LOT!!! Let's just say, that I am going to be dripping wet and going out of my mind by the time he finally gets here!!! He's also messing with my head, saying he's just going to put his mouth down there and breathe warm air onto my pussy but not touch it, just to make me go insane once he finally does arrive. When I groaned loudly at this idea, he said: "What?! A horny slave, is a good slave, right?" GRRR!

I've had a couple of questions from friends on slaveduties about how the anal training is going. (If you don't know about slaveduties and her AMAZING website, here is the link: slaveduties.) So here is an update: Today was my last day of using an anal plug before S. comes as I get weekends off to rest and heal. So I used the biggest plug today as my last preparation for what S. likes to refer to as "The Main Event" which will occur at some point of his choosing while he is here. I posted a picture above of the big pink plug I used today. it's the largest one I own and the way it's shaped makes my ass just ache. But I figured I'd better be ready, so I used it today. I texted S. to tell him and said: "Aren't I being a good girl?" His response was: "Don't you mean a good SLAVE?" Gah, I'll never get used to being called that! >_< And I have a sinking feeling I'll be hearing it a lot over Christmas break...

S. has been very pleased with my progress these past couple of weeks: The plugs now all go right in with no problem and although I still can't say that I enjoy the sensation, I can deal with it a lot more easily than before. I feel good about the fact that I clearly have succeeded in stretching my rear regions for S. and while I'm still scared about the whole thing, the idea of being able to please him with the gift of that hole makes me very happy. It's something he has wanted for a very long time and it will be a first for both of us! I'm sure when the time comes, I'll be shaking and my teeth will be chattering, but I think I'm about as prepared as possible at this point.

Other than that, I'm both very very excited and very very nervous about everything I have to look forward to this holiday! :) I know that I'll be sporting a brand new set of welts before long once S. has his way with my ass. And I look forward to that shivery feeling of pain and pleasure that comes with feeling him run his fingers gently over the raised welts he's put there. He's also going to be bringing a leash and I have ordered a collar that I have never put on... I've never worn one and the whole idea makes me pretty much wanna hide under the bed. So that's going to be umm... interesting. He's also talked about putting me in a rope harness and making me go out and do things with it on; shackling me to the spreader bar when we go to bed, so he can have his way with me all night long any time he pleases; and whipping and clamping my VERY sensitive nipples. As for the rest, well he has a wicked imagination, so I'm sure there will be plenty of surprises in store for me. So yeah... it's going to be an interesting Christmas all around!

30 Minute Punishment

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought of was the 30 minute punishment I have to undergo some time today: As I posted in my blog yesterday, I forgot to do my 30 minutes of anal training last Thursday, and S. informed me that my punishment would be as follows:

Instead of having Sunday as a day off from the training the way I normally do, I had to do a makeup 30 minutes with the large butt plug that day, but he also specified that I was required add both the Ben-Wa balls AND the pacifier gag for the full time as well. (If you don't know what Ben-Wa balls or Smartballs are, you can see a picture of them in my previous entry: Ben-Wa Balls.) Groan... So when I woke up this morning, that's all I could think of: The dreaded punishment and when I would do it? I decided, for once, not to put it off and have it hanging over my head all day long, and just get it over with. I also didn't want to be doing it during any strenuous activity because the balls vibrating inside me would just make me crazy and I knew full well the pacifier gag was going to make me drool everywhere.

I decided the best time to get it over with would be this morning while I update my blog. And so now I sit here, just the way S. likes me to be, with all 3 holes completely filled. It's extremely distracting and I have a feeling this blog isn't coming out so well because I'm having a difficult time thinking straight! I keep wiggling to try to adjust the position and pressure on the butt plug and that causes the balls to vibrate, making me insanely horny. My mouth is filled with the pacifier gag and I'm trying desperately to contain the saliva in my mouth but I know it's only a matter of time until it runs down my chin :( I hate that! But there simply isn't anything I can do about it because the pacifier gag makes it impossible to swallow at all. Honestly I think that the drooling is the worst part! I find it absolutely humiliating and the yuckiness factor of having my own saliva drip down my chin and onto my breasts messes with my head.

So, after deciding to get the punishment over with this morning, the first thing I had to think about after getting the butt plug, the Ben-Wa balls, and the gag out, was what order to put them in. I lay for quite a while on my side on the bed, staring at the three objects, trying to figure out the best way to do this. I finally decided to do them in this order: 1: Plug, 2. Balls, 3. Gag. That way I wouldn't drool on anything while struggling with the other two. And I figured inserting the plug would be that much harder if I had anything already filling my vagina. I'm definitely glad I did it that way because it was much harder to get the balls inside me because I'm already tight down there and the pressure from the butt plug made it much tighter. So I doubt I would have been able to get the plug in at all if the balls had already been inserted.

Normally, after inserting the plug, I lie there for several minutes and try not to move at all because the feeling is so intense. I just breathe and try to relax until the feeling passes or abates somewhat. But today I knew I couldn't start the 30 minute timer until all THREE were inserted so I had to hurry and insert the Ben-Wa balls too and then sit up quickly to get the gag in place.So my body was reeling from having things inserted in all my holes in rapid succession without the time to adjust to any of the sensations.

And now, here I sit, plug in place, spreading me wide back there and making me feel vulnerable, the balls inside me vibrating with every tiny movement and making me insanely horny, and drooling a yucky river of saliva down my chin, feeling it drip from there onto my breasts which are now dotted with beads of saliva. I'm trying very very hard not to move much but it's hard not to continually try to adjust my position because of the plug, which just makes the balls vibrate and more drool leak from my filled mouth. Gah! Oh, and as I'm finding out, any period longer than ten minutes with this gag makes my jaw ache...

S. was certainly right: I won't be forgetting my training again any time soon after these very very long 30 minutes...Is it over yet???

Gags, Drool & Punishment

Tomorrow, it will be exactly one week until S. and I are together again! :) I cannot wait!!! I'm getting really excited, but also nervous! I so want everything to be absolutely perfect when we are together!!!

I'm sorry I haven't updated my blog lately. You all know how it is this time of year with buying presents, writing and sending Christmas cards, cooking for and attending holiday parties, work overload, etc, etc. I've been falling into bed exhausted every night. Anyway, here are a few updates from the last couple of weeks:

The new gag arrived: It looks exactly like the image below, color included. I love pink! Hehe :)

I was pretty excited when the package arrived! I had pictured it all cute and fitting nice and comfy in my mouth. But, as it turns out, it's much larger than I had bargained for and the bulb part sticks pretty far back in my mouth. So it forces the back of my mouth wide open and makes it essentially impossible for me to swallow. So, two minutes, after I tried it on, I literally had a river of drool running down my chin! :(  This simultaneously made me very unhappy and made S. very happy. Gah... I hate to drool but he seems to think it's going to be an excellent way for him to lubricate his cock while humiliating me... oh joy..

As for the anal training, it's ongoing: At this point, S. has decided that I'm done with the endurance part of the training, which entailed using the anal beads for longer and longer periods of time. Now I'm working on the stretching and have to wear one of my largest plugs for 30 minutes a day. We're being careful with it so as not to cause any injury or damage and I get weekends off to rest and heal. It's definitely getting easier to put it in, and after having the beads in for extended periods of time, 30 minutes doesn't seem so bad, but honestly it still feels icky!!! All I can think of most of the time is how much I want it OUT. This doesn't seem to phase S. in the slightest: No matter how much I moan and groan whimper and beg, he just calmly says "Nope!" And tells me how much time I have left. Grrr...

I've been pretty good about following the training regimen, and hadn't missed a day or skimped on time until this past Thursday. It was a crazy week for me at work and a busy night at home, and frankly I just forgot all about it. I didn't remember until it was bedtime and it was after midnight by that time so it was too late. S. had been reminding me most nights to do the training, but he hadn't said anything about it that day and it just didn't cross my mind until it was too late. By the time I finally remembered, it was the wee hours of Friday morning, so I just texted S. to let him know and then fell asleep, exhausted.

When we discussed it the next day, I complained a bit that he hadn't reminded me to do it that night. But he told me I knew what the rules were and he had told me he wanted the plug in each night for 30 minutes for training and it was up to me to remember and follow his orders. I still felt a bit whiny, but I couldn't argue that point.

Today, he informed me that my punishment, is that tomorrow (Sunday which would normally be a day off from the plug for me) I have to wear the plug AND the Ben-Wa balls, AND the pacifier gag all at the same time for 30 minutes... Groan. He loves the idea of filling all of my holes simultaneously. (It's a very weird feeling to be filled up everywhere all at once). And he knows full well that the plug and balls will press against each other as they fill me up, each making the other sensation that much worse. Add to that, 30 minutes of uncontrollable drooling and you've got a half hour of misery incoming!!! When I whined about it, he just said: "Well it'll teach you not to forget next time, won't it!"

... I hate it when he's right!  >_>

Only 20 More Days! :)

Just a quick post tonight to say that I am so excited! There are only 20 more days left until S. comes to visit me again! I CAN'T WAIT!!! :) He is staying for two full weeks! Yayayayayayay! We are going to have SO much fun together! I love him so very much!

And I think he has quite a lot of ideas in store for me...He keeps warning me that we are going straight to the bedroom the instant we get home the very first night. And he's mentioned all sorts of positions he plans to tie me in...It's going to be a very interesting Christmas!!! lol

 

It sounds like I'll have a LOT to blog about this holiday season! ;)

Nipple clamps

So, I don't know about you ladies out there, but my nipples are very, very, very, very, very sensitive...

I've never engaged in any kind of breast or nipple torture, just the usual sucking, licking and very occasional gentle biting. In fact, my nipples are sensitive enough that just extended sucking on them makes them quite sore.

So, I'm sure you can imagine the look on my face a month or so ago when S. shared with me that he had been looking at nipple clamps online and found several of the images quite arousing. He said he would enjoy attaching them and then pulling on the chain that connects them.  :O

Ohhhhhhh boy... My instant reaction to the mere topic of nipple clamps is to cross my arms and hold my hands protectively over my breasts. It makes me shudder just to THINK about. But once again, S. is the Master so my poor nipples are at his mercy if he so chooses.

So we looked online at all of the different options, read reviews, discussed, debated. I clicked on links, in between holding onto my poor breasts protectively. It's so hard when ordering a type of toy you've never used before and have no way to try ahead of time. We decided that we wanted adjustable clamps so they could be made looser and be tightened over time. We determined that, while the idea of the Japanese clover clamps that tighten when you pull on the chain is nice, they sounded pretty brutal for a starter set. We learned that the clamps with the soft rubber tips will slip right off if there is any moisture at all around the nipple prior to them being applied. So, after all of our research, we settled on these:

The clamps were actually ordered at the same time as a couple of other toys and when the box arrived I dreaded opening it. But to my immense relief, when I finally did, I found that the clamps we selected had been out of stock and they just shipped and charged me for the other items. PHEW! I was so relieved I did a happy dance!!! S., on the other hand, was distinctly less happy lol.

But then a week later, a nice flat padded manilla envelope arrived in the mail and I ripped it right open, expecting it to be a big pile of pictures I had ordered, but to my sheer horror, the nipple clamps fell out into my lap! :( Damn that company for being so efficient with back ordering items!!!!!

So the first trial of these refined instruments of torture went something like this: Cue S. with a big big grin on his face. Cue me with clamps in hand, huge eyes and trying to cover both of my breasts with my remaining hand. Drumroll please... I gingerly attach ONE clamp and...  

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Omfg what sick sadistic medieval professional inquisition torturer designed these things?!!!

Let's just say they hurt WAY more than I had even feared. :( So umm yeah, after much adjusting, I managed to get them to a width where I wasn't quite screaming in agony the second they were on, and then I removed them from my agonized breasts and put them away in the toy box. At the bottom. Under ALL the other toys. I figured maybe if I didn't mention them ever again S. would hopefully forget they existed.

Sadly for me, S. managed not only to remember the clamps, but decided that since they hurt so nicely, they would make an excellent punishment tool. So about a week later, during the anal training, I got altogether too feisty with my complaints and he told me to go put on the clamps....
My immediate cries of nooooooooooooooooooo and pleas for forgiveness were too late and I had to go dig the ghastly things out of the box as ordered.

Let's just say that a mere 15 minutes with the clamps produced a very very subdued and chastened submissive with throbbing nipples. And S. very much enjoyed the marks the evil clamps left for quite a while afterwards.

Now he's talking about using the crop on my breasts in addition to the clamps... I have a feeling my poor nipples are never going to be the same again!

Anal Training

Who ever thought I'd write a post on this topic? :(  The above image should give you a pretty good idea of how I feel about anal sex. Up until I met S, no man had gotten anywhere near that part of my body! Not with their cock, not with a toy, not even with their fingers! The minute anyone tried, I'd spin around and fix them with my best evil eye and icily inform them: "That attraction is closed for the season!" I guess there must have been something in my tone because no man ever questioned me on it or pushed their luck a second time!!!

And then along came S... whom I love. And adore. And very much want to please. S. who is my darling Dom and makes me feel wonderfully submissive. And what does S.'s number one desire just happen to be? You guessed it: Anal sex. Cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! S. and I discussed anal sex at great length at the start of our relationship. He expressed his deep desire to have anal sex. I expressed my equally deep desire NOT to have anal sex. So we were at a stalemate. Except, of course, for the teeny weeny little fact that he's the Dom and I'm not... So where does that leave me now? Smack in the middle of anal training...

When thinking of limits, anal comes extremely close to being a hard limit for me. It's something I have never in my life so much as considered doing. It is NOT something I have fantasized about, unlike spanking, paddling, whipping, bondage, etc. And I'm extremely squeamish so the entire thought of anything being in there grosses me out. And to top it all off, I have a fair amount of fear associated with worries of ripping, bleeding, damage, etc. So, I was very tempted to just shut the entire discussion of anal sex down completely by making it a hard limit and enjoying using my two other holes to please S. instead.

But what stopped me was the sheer excitement that was apparent when S. spoke of putting his cock inside me there. He said he had dreamed of doing so his entire life. He was practically panting just at the very idea. The thought of doing something that would please him so much excited me. Plus, to me, it was pretty much the ultimate act of submission because I honestly expect pain and discomfort and so it will be entirely about his pleasure, not mine. So how could I refuse to even consider it? I couldn't...

Also, by the time we discussed the topic in earnest, S. had already used the whip to establish his ownership of my ass completely and irrevocably. Prior to meeting him in person, he'd say "mine" when referring to my ass and I'd giggle and contradict him: "nooooo mine!!!" But a couple of evenings with him and the whip cured me of that forever. Now when he points to my ass and says "Mine!" I shut my mouth and nod in enthusiastic agreement. I did try to beg him to let me retain ownership of just 5 percent of it (I bet you can guess which 5%) but sadly for me that wasn't gonna happen.

At first, S. was gentle with me, probably sensing what a delicate topic it was for me, and didn't push me to do much. He told me that I could take my time and prepare for it. (I told him I liked the idea of a 5 year plan. But sadly he didn't go for that. Ah well, a girl can dream!) He had me use a toy from time to time to train myself back there but never for more than 20 minutes at a time, and after a few weeks he let it slide altogether. He used his fingers when we were together and put toys inside me twice. If I hadn't been securely tied down the first time, I absolutely would have bolted right off the bed. But by and large, I thought I might be getting away with indefinitely postponing the whole anal thing and I was very pleased by it.

However, as Christmas approaches, and so does his trip to come see me, it appears that S. has decided that I'll be giving him a gift of anal sex for the holidays. Personally I'd rather sell everything I own and buy him a new car, but once again we run into that little issue of him being the Dom so I don't always get what I want, do I? Bleh...

So, last week, S. texted me that I was to start using the anal beads for 2 hours each day Monday through Friday, and the larger plug for an hour each on Saturday and Sunday. The second week, it increases to 3 hours a day, the third to 4 hours, the next to 5, and I'll be at 6 hours a day with the beads deep in my ass by the time he comes. Now the anal beads may not seem like much because they aren't terribly wide but they are terribly LONG. And let me tell you after my first week of experience with them, when you sit on them, it's like they are impaling you! By the end of 90 minutes, my ass was aching! I'm definitely not looking forward to increasing to 3 hours tomorrow! :(

When I typed back a response of sheer horror at this anal training plan, S seemed to find my discomfort greatly amusing. His last text on the matter said: “I’m not taking it easy on you. when I have you tied up and your legs spread far apart by the spreader bar, I’m going to penetrate your ass with my entire cock. You’ll have to feel how wide I am soon. If you aren’t prepared in 5 weeks, I will have no sympathy for you as my cock opens your ass for my shaft to drill.”

Is this the part where I run away and hide under the bed?

Japanese Rope Bondage

Japanese rope bondage is one of the first things you will learn about if you start investigating bondage. Unlike using leather or metal restraints to simply secure a submissive in place, Shibari, as it is called, is an entire art form!!!

The masters of this type of bondage form intricate patterns on their subs' bodies with the rope, creating restraints and harnesses that are beautiful to behold. I will admit, that I have always been a fan of the images I've seen of this type of work!

I had mentioned it to S. and he too seemed to enjoy the various amazing rope creations. Then, he found this while looking for instructions on how to tie his necktie in a windsor knot:

S. immediately decided that this was a wonderful idea, particularly the final step where it says: "You can even wear clothes over it, and no-one will be able to tell it's there!" He laughed sadistically and told me that he was definitely going to create a rope harness and then go out shopping or to dinner with me, just to see my reaction!

I was like omfg when he said this, because I know full well that I would probably be beet red and be completely flustered the entire time, and I told him so.

His response? "That's the point, sweetie!"

Oh boy...

Bound Wrist to Ankle

After our first meeting, once I had established that he wasn't a serial killer, S. and I were apart for a few weeks, and then he drove to the state where I live to visit me for 10 days! I missed him while we were apart, but I was very excited about having him come to stay at my house. I was really looking forward to all of the small things you cannot do in a hotel: Cooking for him, snuggling on the couch, and enjoying the benefits of my wonderful bed which, unlike a hotel bed, has wrought iron scrollwork head and footboards! Just perfect for attaching things to at all sorts of different heights and angles, if you get my drift. In fact, I'll readily admit, it's precisely why I chose that bed! :)

One of the very first things S. did upon his arrival, was have me bend over the footboard and spread my legs. He attached ankle restraints and hooked those to each leg of the bed, spreading me wide. Then he proceeded to enjoy getting reacquainted with the whip! I had been looking forward to this, but immediately discovered that the pain is significantly higher if you are bent over and your ass is tight, versus when you are lying flat on a bed. I'm not sure exactly why this is, but it was distinctly more painful. Especially as my footboard is pretty high off the ground and with my legs spread wide, there was absolutely zero room to wiggle.

S. enjoyed that position and took his time making a nice pattern of welts to re-establish his ownership of my ass. Once he was satisfied, he released me and we got into the bed together and made love. Later that night, as we were lying in the semi darkness, talking, I thought of a position I had wanted to try out. I tried to describe it to him, but it was difficult to explain exactly what I meant. So I suddenly sat up in bed and got out from under the covers. To S.'s delight, I got on my knees, and spread my legs about a foot apart, then bent down, pushing my ass up in the air, placed my arms beside my calves so my wrists were next to my ankles. I explained that he could connect the wrist and ankle restraints in this position so my wrists were bound to my ankles and there would be no way I could move or get out of the position.

S. loved the idea, and was tickled by my impromptu demonstration. I think suddenly seeing my ass presented to him, made him smile. He gave his enthusiastic approval for us to try it the following day. I snuggled back under the covers with him, glad for the darkness, because demonstrating it had made me blush quite a lot. I'm pretty shy and it was unusual for me to be so forward. I had just wanted him to understand what I meant when attempting to describe the position.

So, the following evening, S. led me to the bedroom and put the leather wrist and ankle restraints on me. My heart was beating fast with anticipation, because I knew that once I was locked into the position, I would be completely helpless, and the quick demonstration I had given the previous night gave me some idea of how vulnerable I would feel with my ass high in the air and no protection.

S. commanded me to kneel on the edge of the bed, so my tiptoes were barely peeking over the edge. Then he told me to bend over and place my head flat on the bed, and reach for my ankles on either side. This is the closest image I could find to the position. Except that my wrists restraints were actually cliped to my ankle restraints with barely an inch between them, and there was about a foot and a half of space between my legs. This meant everything was in full view and available for whatever S. might want to do to me.

When I first got into the position, I felt tremendously exposed, and wiggled around a bit, trying to find a slightly more comfortable and less nerve wracking position. But, to my dismay, I found out that wiggling just caused my legs to spread more and once they did, I was completely unable to bring them any closer together! Now, spread even wider, and completely vulnerable to anything S. might decide to do to me, I lay there, panting, trying not to move.

S started by using the edge of the whip and running it lightly over the sensitive skin of my ass and thighs, making me shiver. My heart started to pound because I knew from yesterday's experience that, bent over as I was, this was going to hurt a lot. I wished desperately that there was something, anything I could do to protect myself a bit. But in this position, the only thing I could manage was to clench my fingers and toes in anticipation. Sure enough, the first swing hit and I whimpered in pain, despite myself. I prefer to remain silent as much as possible, but I simply couldn't help myself. By the third and fourth swings, I was whimpering and moaning quite a lot. The pain was astonishingly sharp, and any attempt to move away from it, just caused my legs to slide farther apart, exposing me further to the whip and anything else S. might choose to do.

After half a dozen strokes, S. took pity on me and paused, using his fingertips to rub the newly swelling welts, admiring his handiwork. He took a few moments to kneel next to me on the bed and whisper in my ear how nice the welts looked on me and that someday he was going to whip the letters of his name right into my ass. I groaned in response.

Having decided I'd had enough of a break, S. resumed his task and I was soon whimpering again with each new impact of the whip. I found myself praying that he would hit new spots, instead of focusing on areas that had already been abused as I was having a very hard time tolerating the pain when the lash found the same spot multiple times in a row. My body reflexively convulsed forward with each impact, only to be brought up short by my wrists restraints which kept me firmly in place with my arms pulled down to my ankles.

S. seemed to sense me slipping into subspace, and he paused once again, and this time went to get an anal plug. "Mmmm," he told me. "This will look good, deep in your ass!" I groaned and tried to pull away, but only succeeded in putting more pressure on my already aching wrists. S. laughed and I heard him squirt some lube onto his hand. And seconds later, his finger was in my ass. I have never allowed any man before S. anywhere near that part of my body and I hated the sensation when he had done this at the hotel. But I also knew that S. very much wanted anal sex and he planned to train me until I was ready to take his cock back there. I could tell he was enjoying pushing his finger in and out, spreading the lube deep inside and I groaned and tried to endure the discomfort and humiliation. Then, once my hole was nice and slippery, he removed his finger, only giving me a moment of respite, before pushing a plug deep inside. I hated the way the plug spread me back there, making me feel even more vulnerable and I moaned into the mattress as his fingers pushed against it, making sure it was nestled as deeply as possible.

Then, using his other hand, S brushed his hand against my clit. I was already incredibly sensitive from the whipping and having the plug inserted and I gasped at the lightest touch. He seemed to enjoy this and teased me with his fingers, rubbing lightly at my most pleasurable areas until I thought I would go crazy. I could feel how wet I was becoming, and so could he, so he inserted two fingers deep inside me and continued to rub my clit at the same time.

The feeling was insane: I had never been tied in such a vulnerable position before in my life. I was literally completely helpless. My ass throbbed from the whipping he had given me, and my wrists and ankles ached from yanking against the restraints. I could feel my ass stretched wide by the plug deep within it, and S.'s fingers deep inside me and on my clit were moving faster and faster. I panted harder and harder with each new wave of pleasure that washed over me and then came explosively, one of the biggest orgasms of my entire life!!!

Once S. felt me cum, and the wetness seeping between my spread legs, he pushed his cock deep inside me and proceeded to fuck me hard, holding my hips as he went back and forth, rocking my helpless body with each new thrust. My ass ached each time his groin rammed into my tender flesh. It felt absolutely incredible! And he soon came deep inside me.

Once he was finished, S. removed the detested plug, and then moved to my side and disconnected my wrists restraints from my ankles and I collapsed face first onto the mattress, unable to move. I was completely spent and tremors ran through my torso ever few seconds, leaving me shaking and helpless.

S. was wonderful as always: He wrapped a blanket around my trembling body and sat on the bed beside me, lifting my head into his lap and gently stroking my hair. He talked to me in a calm and reassuring voice, telling me I was safe and how much he loved me. He continued to do so until I was finally able to move a bit and open my eyes and look up at him. Then he cuddled beside me and held me from behind so I felt completely safe and cared for.

After a while, I turned my head and looked back at him. "That was some new position!" I said. Our eyes met, and he laughed and nodded in enthusiastic agreement. And I knew that I would surely find myself in that same predicament again before the 10 days were over.

Subspace & Aftercare

The following is another diary entry I wrote a couple of months ago after experiencing subspace for the third time in my life. I wrote a blog about my very first experience with it and how it took both S. and myself completely by surprise!!! You can read about it here: Is This Subspace? 
When I wrote this, I was beginning to see a pattern in how I wound up in subspace, and understand how crucial aftercare, once the scene was over, was for my physical, mental and emotional well-being.

S. has now pushed me to the wall (as he calls it), or into subspace (we’re learning and figuring the terminology out for all of this together) three times. The first, came as a complete shock because I wasn't expecting it to happen and I'd never experienced anything like it in my life. The second was rather unpleasant because, before I got to the good part, I had a full fledged fight or flight response which left me panting, wide eyed, adrenaline rushing through my body, and with a sky high heart rate. It reminded me of having a panic attack and it was really scary. And the third time was tonight.

I’ve been really sick all week with a kidney infection and I guess my defenses are very low at the moment, because from the instant S. started teasing me this morning, I was going completely insane (aided by the fact that I know damn well I can’t touch any of my toys for 10 days, doctor's orders! Argh!!!). I already know just how much he enjoys pushing my buttons, but I guess pushing my buttons when I cannot offer much resistance is particularly enjoyable for him, because S. kept pushing all afternoon and evening until I hit that proverbial wall.

It still startles me how fast that happens. I don’t mean like over time: today he teased and pushed me half the day and the first time was pretty much all day. But when it gets near the end, I’ll be hanging in there, thinking I’m going to be okay and I’m not as far gone as I think, and then BAM! All of a sudden, there’s the wall and I’m just done. Spent. Finished.

Each time it takes me completely by surprise. But S. weirdly seems to be able to read me well enough to predict exactly when it’s about to happen. It’s almost creepy how accurate he can be about stuff, especially when it's something I can barely begin to analyze myself! But then, realistically, he is able to sit there and rationally analyze patterns, while I have to expend all my energy fighting my own mind and body.

Anyway I need to do more reading because I’m not sure whether that is really exactly what people refer to as “subspace”. Or if it’s different. I’m not sure of anything! It’s some space that ain’t my normal space for sure though lol. Man this diary entry is a mess. Ah well. It’s all so difficult to explain and put into words. When I hit that wall, I just kind of let go. Of everything. Of all control. I give up. Or give myself up to him. In that state I’m super vulnerable. I’m not really myself. I’m almost numb at that point. I’m no longer dripping, in pain, or going crazy with feeling horny, I’m just passive, submissive. And all I want is to curl up and hold my teddy and feel safe and warm. At that point I’m just completely and totally overwhelmed and overstimulated. It’s like I shut down to protect myself and go into a semi catatonic state lol. But it's not unpleasant. It kind of feels like I'm having an out of body experience at the time. I know I just stop talking completely. I’m also physically spent: All the tension of the struggle has gone out of me and my shoulders slump and my head lowers in complete submission. It’s all I can do to remain seated or standing upright and not fall over. 

When I can finally lie down and completely let go physically as well as mentally, it’s almost like I revert to childhood or something. It’s extremely weird. My verbal abilities seem to go out the window and I can barely manage anything more coherent than “uhhuh” or “uhuh”. It seems to go in stages: In the first stage, I’m completely spent and exhausted and all my muscles feel like spaghetti. I have flat zero energy and I just want to lie there with my eyes closed tightly and breathe. In that state, I can barely verbalize at all and any questions I’m asked seem to take an inordinately long time for me to mentally process and formulate a response to. In this first stage, I feel numb still but also emotional, it’s a bit hard to explain. Like last night I wanted so much to feel my head in S.’s lap I could have cried. I had this intense feeling of wanting my head there and feeling his fingers softly in my hair. I wanted that like a young child wants their mommy. For reassurance. For safety. It’s so strong it’s almost a physical need.

In this stage, I’m also acutely sensitive to any changes in emotional tone. Like last night when I apologized for being unable to verbalize and S. said: “No, no! Don’t say sorry!” I knew mentally that he meant it in a sweet and reassuring way and that his voice was very gentle but I experienced it emotionally almost as if he was shouting at me, and my whole body cringed reflexively. It was strange because I had this duality where my mind told me the actual change in tone had been pretty minimal but my body and emotions reacted as if the floor had dropped out from beneath me. All of my senses are just maxed out in that first stage so any further stimulation is just too much for me.

In the second stage, I’ve recovered a little of my energy but I’m still completely worn out. I’m just not zombie like any more lol. I’m able to actually put a few words together to respond to questions, although my mental processing time is still longer than it should be. And I often feel that I’m not expressing myself well. I still feel completely vulnerable in this state. In a way I’m more vulnerable because in stage one, if I was told to do something, I’m not honestly sure I’d be able to summon the energy to even move physically to comply. It’s an effort to even move my head. But in stage two, my energy is higher while my mental state is barely improved.

Mostly in this stage I still want close contact and reassurance but I’m less easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. Like last night when I was in the first stage, S. kept saying he wanted to cuddle me but I felt strongly it would be too much for me to handle. I desperately wanted to be close to him but I didn’t think I would be able to deal with the stimulation of a full body to body embrace at that point. I just wanted my head in his lap and his fingers gently running through my hair so I would know he was right there but not have to deal with any complex stimuli. It isn’t until stage two that I could even begin to think of coping with that.

Then comes a third stage in which I start to move around more, change positions in the bed, open my eyes from time to time, and my mental abilities start to return. I’m able to start to think about what is happening and analyze my own reactions a bit. I still feel vulnerable though and want lots of reassurance and care.

And then, it’s weird, it seems to happen almost as fast as it does when I hit the wall: one minute I’ll be feeling still messed up and then the next I’m babbling away and feel pretty much like my normal self. There doesn’t seem to be a clear transition that I can predict.

All I can say is that I’m extremely grateful S. stays with me when I’m going through all this. I’m not sure what would happen if he didn’t. I have such a strong need for him then!!! I’m completely vulnerable and all I can do is entrust myself to his care. He’s always super sweet and understanding with me, even when I can barely speak or respond to questions at all. He always reassures me that he won’t leave me and makes me feel safe and cared for. I’m extremely grateful for that!!!

Since writing this diary entry, I've done a lot of reading and learned how crucial aftercare is!!! And I am even more grateful to my amazing Dom who is always by my side to bring me back once I am lost in subspace. Even that very first night, when neither of us knew what was happening to me, his instinct was to talk me through every second of the aftermath and reassure me. It took a long time for me to recover that first night, and he was with me every single step of the way until he was absolutely certain that I was okay. I am so fortunate to have such an attentive and caring Dom! :)

Thoughts on Gags

When most people think of bondage, something like the above image probably comes to mind: There are always some form of shackles, rope bindings, or other restraints. And there is almost always some type of gag involved.

When I first started to investigate BDSM online, I developed a fascination with the many different types of gags that are used. They look amazing, and allow an astonishing measure of control over the sub, either by restricting their ability to speak or even make any sound at all, making them drool, or keeping their mouth forcibly open. I admired them very much, but never considered getting any for one simple reason: They terrified me!!! I think this was directly related to my deep fear of not being able to breathe. I'm somewhat claustrophobic and my biggest fear is to have my breathing restricted. Therefore, anything that blocked my airway was automatically terrifying!

I kept looking at the images of all the different gags and wanting to try one. However, the thought of having someone else put something in my mouth that would reduce my ability to breathe, was just too much for me to cope with. Then one day, it finally occurred to me that I could buy one on my own and try it all by myself!!! That way I could test it out at my own pace, and remove it the second it became too much for me to handle. And maybe, with time, I would become comfortable enough to allow someone else to place a gag in my mouth. 

So I scoured the internet and decided that I wanted to start with a ball gag. Although they were particularly scary to me (they block the mouth and therefore the airway completely), they also looked amazing when in place, and I'd wanted to try one for a very long time! So I ordered my very first gag! I chose a nice bright red one, medium sized, that was held in place by two thin black leather straps that buckled behind the neck. A nice traditional (if anything in BDSM can be called "traditional" lol) choice.It looked pretty much exactly like this:

I still remember the adrenaline rush when the box arrived and I opened it! I pulled it out and just stared at the gag in awe. I couldn't believe I actually owned something so...so kinky!!! I took a deep breath and went over to the mirror to try it on. I recall feeling really weird as I opened my mouth wide and pushed the ball inside. I remained like that for a few seconds, my heart beating fast. To my surprise, I found that I could actually breathe out of the corners of my mouth: It didn't completely restrict the flow of air! This discovery allowed me to gather the courage to fumble with the straps behind my neck and fasten it. And then I just stood there, looking at the amazing gag in my mouth, the way it made my eyes widen, the way my nostrils flared slightly as I breathed in and out, and the muffled, almost inaudible sound of my moans of excitement. It was a wonderful thing, and I immediately fell in love with it!

Since that day, I have purchased several other ball gags and my original one has well worn straps and teeth marks in some places from repeated use. I have come to feel quite comfortable with having one in for an extended period of time, although I have learned the hard way that my jaw will ache afterwards, sometimes for days. And I have learned to accept having someone I trust completely put a gag on me, although it still scares me a little, especially when I am restrained and unable to remove it on my own should I wish to do so.

I have also investigated a variety of other types of gags, and not to long ago, I purchased a bit gag, and I absolutely love it!!! It looks like this:

The bit gag's purpose is quite different than that of the ball gag: Instead of blocking sounds, it actually keeps your mouth open without restricting your breathing much at all. You can't really talk with the bit in the way, but you certainly can make plenty of sounds. So moaning, whimpering and panting all sound much louder!

As my preference is to be as quiet as possible, S. greatly enjoys using this gag on me because it makes it physically impossible for me to clamp my mouth shut and remain silent. He loves the amount of noise I make while this is in! I think the fact that I also tend to drool while wearing it, which I find humiliating, makes it that much sweeter for him. And, on occasion, he has used the rings on the side of the gag to forcibly turn my head with a tug of his finger.

I have also been interested in pacifier gags for a while now. Not because I have the slightest interest in baby or age play (It does nothing whatsoever for me). But because they are an interesting variation on the ball gag, but don't stretch your mouth quite so wide or make your jaws ache, while still preventing speech and providing control. I ordered one and cannot wait for it to arrive! I'll let you know what I think when it does! S. has also expressed interest in these as he finds the shape reminiscent of having a penis forcibly pushed into your mouth, and he greatly enjoys filling all 3 of my holes at once.

The one type of gag I have not yet tried and that still scare me, are, paradoxically, the open mouthed gags. Since they don't restrict the airway at all on their own, they frighten me because they make it impossible for you to control what is placed in your mouth. The unknown factor with these make me very nervous. But I will probably try one out some day. S. has made a few comments about them so I think he'd very much enjoy having that level of control at some point (gulp!)

The other type of gag that I have not yet tried but would like to are the breathable ball gags. I didn't know they existed when I first started investigating BDSM or I almost certainly would have ordered one. They usually have holes that go through the ball and allow you to breathe through them, while maintaining the wide open mouth of a typical ball gag. I haven't decided whether I would like to try a rubber ball version like the one pictured below, or a rigid one yet.

The last type of gag is one I think I will never use: They're usually part of a hood. And hoods just scare me wayyyyy too much. I hate the black color. (If you haven't noticed yet, I love bright reds and pinks). I hate the way it dehumanizes the face of the person wearing it. I hate the way they go over both the nose and mouth. And I hate the idea of the claustrophobic feeling I'd get in one. The same goes, tenfold, for anything to do with gas masks.

So, those are my thoughts on the various types of gags that are most commonly used in BDSM. I'd love to hear from you! What types of gags have you used? What do you find most effective? Do you prefer rigid balls or squishy ones when it comes to the ball gags? Do you like a smaller ball that fits almost entirely into the sub's mouth, or a larger one that stretches their jaw and protrudes from between their parted lips? How do you decide how tight to buckle it? I'm still learning so any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated! :)

The Day I Forgot How to Read

Hmmmm... So, apparently my dearest Dom is greatly enjoying my blog. This makes me a very happy girl! :)

However, he decided to demonstrate this fact to me tonight by having me insert a double bullet vibrator: One inside my pussy, and the other nestled right in my clit.

And then he ordered me to read my blog ALOUD to him...

I was like WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???!!!
Those bullets make me crazy! Especially with both inserted, I had a hard time not letting my teeth chatter.

Oh and he started me on the low setting, and kept increasing the vibration after each 5 minute interval.So just as I thought I might be able to get a grip, I would be jolted by the new wave of sensations that became increasingly hard to ignore.

I'd pause to gasp and try to take a few seconds to refocus on what I was doing, and he'd go: "Chop, chop! Keep reading!"

Then, to make matters worse, at one point, I looked up, and saw that he was calmly sitting there, eating a cookie and smirking at me as I struggled to get each word out. Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

I somehow don't think my reading was real coherent. And each time the vibration level increased, it got worse. By the time I finished the blog post, I'm pretty sure I was reading only a few words at a time in between pants.

I'm beginning to think maybe really really short blog posts are the way to go! lol...

Ben Wa Balls + Daytrip = BAD!

Any of you ladies out there have a pair of Ben Wa balls? For those of you that aren't familiar with these, they are plastic (or metal) balls that contain weighted balls inside the plastic shell, which roll around causing self-made vibrations. You insert them and they are fabulous for Kegel exercises and getting you very very horny lol.

I had read about them a while back and decided to purchase a pair of Smartballs because I liked the idea of them being connected to each other, being easy to clean, and having a small rubber string for easy removal. I picked pink of course! (I heart pink!) So pretty!

I experimented with them a bit at home and was immediately astonished by how stimulating they can be when you are moving around! I made only ONE foray with them outside the house: A trip to the grocery store and let's just say I didn't get a whole lot of groceries lol. I had to return home in a big hurry because they were driving me completely insane!!! The stimulation was just below the threshold that would make me cum, while constantly keeping me desperately horny.

After that, I wore them at home from time to time. But I soon discovered that, if I inserted them deeply I was okay. Okay, that is, until I squatted or bent or did anything that caused them to slip lower so the bottom ball was sitting directly against the inside of the entrance to my pussy. The vibrations on that particular spot made me immediately crazy horny, and all I wanted to do was rip them out and use a real toy for some relief.

I made the mistake of sharing this information with my darling Dom and so, of course, he decided it would be humorous to order me to wear them for an entire day without being allowed to remove them or play with my toys to achieve any release. He picked a day for my Smart Ball adventure, and to my utter dismay, the date he selected happened to be the day of a planned outing with vanilla friends who wanted to drive all over the place and hike around taking pictures. Argh!!! :(

I tried to beg for a different day, but S. was SO tickled by the fact that I would have to spend the entire day with company I had to hide my mounting distress from, he wouldn't hear of changing anything. The more I came up with reasons why it was a terrible idea, the more he laughed... >_>

And so the dreaded day arrived. And, as ordered, I slipped the balls in before I went downstairs to greet my friends. By "before" I mean literally ten seconds before. I was determined to wait until the very last instant before inserting them. I pushed them in as deeply as I could, and was relieved to find that I was okay when I stood up. The vibrations didn't bother me much with them that high up.

Feeling better about the situation, I walked downstairs, with my legs as close together as I could manage, aiming to look nonchalant (and probably failing) and met my friends outside. I was going to ride in their car, which I thought was good since it meant I wouldn't have to focus on driving. However, as soon as I arrived at their vehicle, I realized I was in trouble: It was very very low to the ground and I had to squat to get in. I tried to do it as quickly as possible while keeping my legs as close together as I could, but as soon as I squatted and bent to get in the car, the balls slipped right down inside me so the lower ball was pushing directly against the entrance to my pussy. :(

There was no danger of them falling out, as I am pretty tight down there, but that ball was now sending vibrations to one of my most sensitive spots, and I had no way to adjust it while sitting in my friends' car. I tried to ignore the sensation and greet them normally. I wondered if I was blushing. Fortunately I was in the back seat. I sat there, trying to keep my thighs as close together as possible to hold back vibrations and prevent dripping.

At first, the ride went fairly smoothly and I started to relax. I texted S. to tell him the balls had slipped down but it wasn't TOO bad. But I had spoken too soon: To my utter horror, once we switched roads, we were forced to drive through 10 miles of construction. As both lanes were being repaved, the one we drove on was a very, very, very bumpy dirt road, full of potholes while they fixed the other side of the street first.

By the first bump, I knew I was in trouble! I texted S. "OMFG help 10 freaking MILES of construction. I'm going to die!!!" To my surprise, he didn't respond for quite a while. It turned out later, that he had received my text while he was in class and started laughing so hard, he actually had to turn off his phone until he regained control of himself.  >_<

By the time we made it through the 10 miles of construction, I would have gladly humped the gearshift for some relief! I was going completely insane I was so horny and simply desperate for release. Plus the strain of trying to act normal in front of my friends was really getting to me. If I could have just panted or squirmed all around on the seat like I wanted to, it would have been easier. But no, I had to sit there: All prim and proper, carrying on a nice normal conversation, while secretly mentally cataloging things to hump: Gear shift? Hell yes! Umbrella handle? Maybe. Telephone pole? Too wide. "Why yes it is a lovely day and yes I cannot wait to take lovely photographs." Carrot stick? Definitely. The handle of my travel hairbrush? Possibly. "Yes I care deeply about the temperature change this past week. How utterly fascinating!" Would you mind stopping for just a second so I can get one of your golf clubs out of the trunk?

By the time we got to our first photographic destination, I was a mess. My thighs hurt from pressing them against each other so hard for over an hour, and my ass muscles ached from clenching. Plus I still had to get out of the low car, which involved more squatting. Then we had to wander around, which involved walking - a whole new way to make the balls vibrate inside me, while stopping periodically to take shots. Of course, I kept seeing fantastic shots that were at knee level and would have required me to bend or squat. I tried it exactly once: I attempted some kind of Asian style bow movement while keeping my legs tightly together and bending at the waist to get the picture. I have no idea what I looked like. But when I straightened up, my friends were both looking at me oddly: The woman was staring quizzically at my face, and her husband was staring, bemused, at my ass... so blushed deep red and decided to stick to eye level shots for the remainder of the day.

The rest of the day was looooooooooooooong. More driving. More lovely photographic destinations. More polite conversations. More clenching. More texts from S. expressing deep hilarity at my predicament...

Let's just say that, by the time I finally got home, I never ever ever wanted to see those damn balls again as long as I lived! And ever since that day, S. enjoys threatening me with making me wear the Smart Balls to work as a punishment...It's a guaranteed way to get me to behave instantly!!!

Conversations with S.

 During the few weeks we were apart this summer, S. and I talked every single day and night, either by text message or on Skype voice or Skype with video. The text below is transcribed from one of our conversations when S. wanted to really make me horny and squirm. He seems to love making it difficult for me to focus on daily tasks and often sends me relentless streams of messages to distract me when I'm trying to do something that takes some concentration. The following text is a perfect example.

“What’s wrong, Jade? I want to listen to you pant and look into your eyes and read your face as you bite your lip when I give you my first command:  Go to the bed and bend over and spread your legs. I’ll swipe my fingers softly against your panties and rotate my two fingers around those soft warm lips just beneath the fabric. I’ll wait for a moment and observe  your panties for wet spots. I’ll whisper in your ear: “I’m about to make your panties wet.”

You’ll squirm as I press my fingers against your panties and rotate my two fingers around those soft, warm lips again. I’ll suddenly jerk your head back by grabbing your long, brown hair and tell you: “You’re beginning to drip onto my fingers.” This will cause you to feel humiliated and exposed. I’ll take advantage of your confusion and slide your panties off, so you can feel the soaked fabric dragging against your legs and causing them to become wet also.

I’ll tie your hands to the headboard and rub my fingers softly against your pussy’s wet lips and pull your head back to show you my fingers, rubbing together with your sweet juices running down them. I’ll open my mouth widely and slowly pull my tongue towards my fingers and wrap my tongue around them as you watch me. I’ll whisper in your ears that you are so wet right now and make you bite your lip as I smirk. 

After I suck on my fingers, I’ll wrap a blindfold over your eyes and wait a few minutes. After you’ve squirmed for a while, I’ll slide my fingers inside your wet, swollen pussy and thrust them deeply inside you and watch you as I lick around the clit. I’ll lick my lips to moisten them for you and apply my hot breath on your swollen pussy until you moan and beg for me to eat you out. Then I'll start to bite on your lips, making you gasp, and pull them up softly and let them slide off my teeth and catch them with my lips and suck on them while rubbing my tongue around them. I’ll do that for both of your swollen lips while fingering you hard and fast. I’ll suddenly stop, my fingers deep inside you, and shove my tongue deep inside as you begin to cum and grind on my fingers and tongue.

After making you cum, I'll notice that you dripped all over my hard cock and pull your hair and tell you that you made my dick wet and that is not allowed. I will let go of your hair as you clench your legs together from cumming once already. You will feel a leather pad sliding down your thigh, making you tremble, and then I'll bring it under your chin to raise your head. I will smirk and tell you that you have been very bad for dripping all over my hard cock without me telling you to. You will bite your lip and shake as I slap your ass hard on each cheek with the crop until you have 4 or 5 welts on each cheek, while I remind you: This is your punishment for dripping on my cock.  

Then I will grab some ice and let it drip on your ass to torment you with the cool water on your enflamed welts. I will demand you open your mouth widely to clean my cock from your cum and allow it to throb and grow harder inside your mouth as I command that you to wrap your tongue around the head. I will then untie you and spin you around to make you dizzy. I will place a ball gag and collar on you and attach a leash to your collar. I will lead you down off the bed and command you to follow me on all fours on the floor. I'll lead you over to a small table and tie your hands and leash to it so you are bent over with your legs spread wide. I will remove the blindfold and command you to keep your head bent low where you can see horizontal to your pussy. I will rub the riding crop on your sore ass to remind you of the stinging pain if you dare disobey me.

I will force you to watch my cock as your head is bent down: Gliding against your pussy lips as I slowly penetrate you. You will be forced to see my cock slide into you slowly and deeply until I hear you groan and pant loudly. I will then go deeper and faster until you cum. Then I’ll remove the gag and command you to suck on it with your tongue and glide down the shaft. I will order you to stop after you please me and have cleaned all your cum off my cock. I will then apply a vibrator on your pussy on high and shove my cock in your ass, pushing it in slowly and deeply. You will hear me moaning loudly as I am cumming my hot load in your ass and forcing you to cum a third time from the vibrator.

So yeah, good luck focusing on ANYthing with messages like these coming in every few minutes... Some days I just don't seem to get a whole lot done...gee, I wonder why?..

The other four days

Hmm so much to say and so little time, lol. I have like 10 topics started but am having a hard time deciding in what order to write them. I'm trying to stick more or less to chronological order so this blog doesn't become a confusing mess, but it's kind of hard because what's weighing most on my mind may not have anything to do with what happened next chronologically between me and S.

So, what I logically should be telling you about is my other four days at the hotel in the strange city with S. after we met for the very first time! Well in a nutshell, it was WONDERFUL! :) :) :) He was everything I could ever have hoped for and dreamed! He was a wonderful gentleman by day, and made my head spin each night! What more could a girl ask for? :)

In the daytime, we would sleep late, get up and then go somewhere in the city. Everywhere we went, he was a gem: solicitous and sweet, carrying my backpack for me, holding doors, always checking to make sure I was happy and enjoying myself. He was just fun to be with! When we would get back to the hotel, we would order dinner and then kick back and watch TV. We laughed and giggled together a lot. I felt so comfortable. I could be myself with him: I can be pretty goofy and we would just both laugh together. It was just perfect. :)

Then, once dinner was eaten, and night had fallen, S. would decide it was time to play and things would get interesting. After his first time with the whip, he gained confidence and used it again and made sure on our last night that I would have marks to remember him by for a long time after we parted. He seemed to particularly enjoy the thought of me having to sit through a long drive home with a very sore ass. That made him grin a lot!

I got to try out the under the bed restraint system in several positions and decided it was awesome for hotel room beds that have no convenient headboard and footboards. S. also decided that, since he wants to have anal sex at some point and I've never let any guy so much as touch me back there, it was time to start my training. The thought of having anyone penetrate that area of my body with ANYthing was mortifying! So he enjoyed inserting various fingers in me, and making me moan in discomfort and embarrassment. Fortunately for him, and less fortunately for me, S. made sure I was well restrained before engaging in anal play so my attempts to bolt from the bed as soon as he started were futile.

Parting was very hard for both of us. But we knew that we would see each other in just a few weeks. We had agreed that if our first meeting went well, he would come to where I lived and spend a week to ten days with me there. I was very excited about showing him all around the state where I live as he had never been there and I was looking forward to continuing our exploration of BDSM together. So we parted with some tears and many many hugs and passionate kisses, but with the promise of being soon reunited.

Evil "S" word :(

This is an entry from my diary that I wrote one night prior to S. and me meeting in person for the first time. We were talking on Skype, and he had brought up the words "Master" and "slave" (convulsive shudder. Which shall henceforth be known as "The dreaded "M" word" and "The evil "s" word".) He proceeded to push them until I couldn't breathe or think straight. 

I honestly have no idea why this is such an issue for me but it just is. See my earlier post on Titles.  I'd do just about anything to avoid saying either word! 

(I'll be writing a post later about what happened when S. decided that I WAS going to call him "M..." one night, no matter what it took.)

Dear Diary,

Where even to begin? Umm this entry is going to be a challenge to compose because I’m not even sure I want to/am capable of exploring this topic with myself. So how to start? Sigh. I know where to start. I just don’t want to. I’m procrastinating and I know it. Err if S. reads this he’s gonna think I’m nuts. Bleh can’t think of that. If I think of him reading it I’ll never type it.But I never have to show it to him or anyone else for that matter.

Yeah… then why am I so scared?

* Deep breaths *

I really am scared…

slave…

There, I said it. (wincing) Errr. So yeah here’s the part where my mind goes blank. Which is completely ridiculous considering that I’ve been reading about this stuff for years. So why can’t I talk about it?

Okay let’s try sticking to facts with no emotions and move on up from there. If I approach it scientifically, it won't be so hard to talk about. What is a slave in BDSM? Well a Master-slave relationship within BDSM is where one person gives up their free will and control completely to the other. And I do mean completely. Over everything. Every single aspect of their lives. Yeow. I find the concept both completely absolutely fascinating and terrifying. Both deliciously attractive and abhorrent at once.

I don’t think S. meant that when he called me "slave" on Skype last night. In fact I know he didn’t. He meant it as a scenario, a way to have fun with me. But wow…

When he said that word

slave

My heart stopped. I literally stopped breathing. I couldn’t remember how to blink, breathe, anything. I just lay there, completely frozen. My entire gut contracted into a knot of sheer panic. And yet, if I’m being completely honest with my diary (with myself that is), I think there was a tiny bit of exhilaration just at the fringes of my consciousness.

S. clearly had NO idea what I was feeling or how badly I was flipping out so he kept right on talking about it. If he’d seen me in person he’d have known. But over Skype he couldn’t tell. I just got completely quiet. He did ask at one point if I was holding my breath. And I was finally able to get out: No, I’m trying to remember how to breathe!!!

Christ I can’t even recall large portions of last night. I think I may literally have blanked out certain parts. I know it all started because he wanted me to call him the dreaded M... word. (Big time wince). When he said that, my teeth clenched, my fingers balled into fists and I scowled. He probably would have laughed if he’d been able to see me. I probably looked very fierce. I don’t remember details very well after that, because that’s when he brought up me being his slave and I almost immediately started to shut down into a non-verbal pit of swirling emotions.

I remember S. saying things like:

“The tag on your collar will say ‘S's Slave’.”

“You want to be a good slave and please your Master, don’t you?”

“You’re my slave, aren’t you, Jade? You belong to me.”

All in THAT tone of voice…

He kept trying to get me to respond but I literally, genuinely could NOT speak. I mean I tried. I genuinely did. Several times, he seemed to want and really expect some form of response from me. So I’d force some semi coherent thought into my head and open my mouth and try, but nothing would come out. My voice was just frozen. If I tried to push it, all that would come out was a whimper or a whine. It was ridiculous. I guess I know now that “speechless” isn’t just an expression. I was quite literally speechless. Jesus how weird!!!!

After a while, when he kept pushing, I just gave up on attempting to talk at all and lay there. I wanted my teddy bear so badly but couldn’t seem to move, not even enough to reach for him. Then I started to shake. Even my breath shook! I don’t know what the hell was going on in my body but it was crazy. Within 15 minutes of him bringing up the topic, I was frozen, speechless, and literally shaking. >_<

So umm why did I react that way? Can I even begin to analyze it beyond saying it’s a big, BIG button? Let’s try…

Okay starting at the beginning, I’ve always been totally fascinated by slave movies. I remember watching Spartacus as a child and just being totally enthralled. The concept of one human being having complete and total dominance over another just blew me away. And it aroused me, long before I even knew what arousal was. I remember tying up my barbies (rofl) and playing slave games with them.

But what S. was talking about and what BDSM refers to as Master-slave relationships isn’t some movie or child’s dream. It can be absolutely real and some people live that way 24/7. Voluntarily… Crazy!!!

Okay so I can come out and say it: I don’t want that! I have zero desire to just completely give myself up to another at that extreme level. I want to have my job and my friends and live a vanilla life outside the bedroom mostly. I want to play hard when I’m in the bedroom and experiment with all sorts of wild stuff that would make most people turn white lol. But I don’t want to completely give up all my independence to another every second of every day.

Okay so that’s what I don’t want. But what about what I DO want?

That, my friend, is much harder to admit to.

Okay I’ll admit it. I’ve always wanted to find that one person that I could call “Master”. Even though the thought makes me want to scream and cry and run away. Even though I’m not sure I’ll be able to spit out the word from between my tightly clenched teeth the first few times. I still want it. Or a part of me does. Somehow using that word just equals total subservience to me, which makes it so incredibly hard to say and yet so completely enthralling. I’d say S. wants me to use it too. He seemed to be really enjoying it last night. And he told me today that, at some point, he WILL get me to say it. When he uses that tone, I have no doubt he means exactly what he says. >_<

And what about being called “slave”? It’s the most debasing word I could imagine.

It. Just. Hurts. To. Hear.

And yet a part of me wants that.

Yes.

There, I said it.

Even though the mere word made my whole body shake last night, I want it.

Something inside me smiled when he said the tag on my collar would say “S.’s slave” even while I cringed and fell apart emotionally.

So yeah, there it is. Wow I actually managed to type something somewhat coherent about this topic, I’m kind of amazed. And I also managed to be honest with myself about my feelings. I do want it  >_<  (ohhhh boy be careful what you ask for, girl). But it’s gonna take one hell of a lot of work to get there. Right now I’m at the point where I didn’t even acquiesce to saying the M... word when I was in a near catatonic state. Even then, all my limp muscles contracted as soon as he told me to and a flat “no!” came out of my mouth. I didn’t even mean to say it. It just happened. S. was astonished by my level of resistance, even in the state I was in!

So how do I get from here to where he (okay and some part of me too since I’m being honest) wants me to be? Ah well lol I have NO freaking clue. It’s going to take a lot of time and breaking down of my will and pride to get there. I think it will take a lot of both pushing me very very hard, and great kindness and gentleness. I would never willingly use that term for someone I didn’t love and respect deeply in addition to obeying. It will be a journey I guess. That one isn’t going to happen overnight. But that’s okay. It will give us both something to look forward to (or run away screaming like a raving lunatic from in my case, lol).